luna (that which we long for)

It's a lonely place, where we're at.

Darkness looms over the vast expanse of water before us. It stretches far more than what you and I can see.

And the waves, yes. Waves with silver linings on their crests. You move them in a fluid rhythmic beat. You push and the water crashes against the beach; then you pull and the wave slowly recedes from the shore. Like the siren songs of old, your lull calls out like a hauntingly beautiful ballad. Any other time, you would have watched me form part of the besotted ones who drown in a false sense of utopia. But not tonight.

Tonight, I am unfazed by the time and tide. Basked in your desolate radiance, I whispered to the wind,

"If we could be anything, we would be the nameless and the untamed - only there will never be a we..."

You understood.

You went on with your song -

love doesn't come along now, does it...;

And I, with my melancholia.

Together in the shadows, we waited for dawn.

It is only then that you and I get to be sun kissed.

underneath

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

There is no one there to dry my tears...

*******

In solitude. Pundaquit.

and the songs before

"Pens. I need pens. My ideas just come to me. Brainstorming... brainstorming..."

I remember thinking something along those lines immediately after my friend informed me of his plan to celebrate his birthday in a bar that holds an open mic night sort of thing.

He suggested that I pick out songs that I would want to sing, and I took it by heart. By the end of the day, which I have to say was more or less a week before the actual event, I came up with this set list:

SET I:
Love Song For No One

I remember staying up all night listening to it, and reveling in his fantastic wordplay and soothing voice. It's one of the few songs that never fails to cheer me up. It has a great beat that would most likely get the attention of the crowd.

Hey, Soul Sister
The Train proves that they still have steam post-Drops Of Jupiter. Honestly, one can't go wrong with a song like this. With its infectious beats, people are guaranteed to clap and sing along before you know it.

Quitter

It is a Max Martin-produced pseudo-country number from Carrie Underwood's Play On. The stand out track's message that there is indeed someone that will make us want to not let go is interwoven on a bouncy and breezy melody. This makes for a rather believable reassurance.

Gives You Hell

It was the song that summed up what I felt a few weeks back perfectly.

SET II:
Whataya Want From Me
I'm not a big fan of Adam Lambert and his theatrics but this one managed to make me do a one eighty. As surmised, he'll sound good should he learn when not to overdo it.

Just So You Know
Because I don't know how to be fine when I'm not; and I don't know how to make a feeling stop.

After The Love Has Gone
The first time I sang this song was in Chicago a month ago. I think I did okay given the circumstances so I would love to have another go at it.

Angels
Angels and I go way back. It holds a special place in my heart, especially now that David Archuleta covered it.

Smack Into You
I died and went to Jon McLaughlin's heaven when I first heard this. I'm a sucker for songs that of stories about falling head over heels in love even more so when it is heartfelt and emotionally tugging. The song creates a special moment in the room whenever Jon performs it live. I want to do that as well.

To Make You Feel My Love
Kris Allen had me at this song. No, actually he had me long before he opened his mouth to sing. I always dream of having someone sing me this song but until then, I'll probably do the singing myself.

I'm Yours
I've heard this song plenty of times but I really fell in love with it when Rem sang it to me last year. It's a feel good track that will end the second set nicely.

SET III:
Mercy
The bassline intro alone is enough to garner attention. It's the kind of old school soul groove that one would expect to hear in a sweat and smoke-filled bar.

Teenage Love Affair
Carrying on with the 60s vibe, Alicia Keys' tongue-in-cheek song about, well, her teenage love affair seems like a fun number to do on stage.

I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor
Sugababes 3.0's cover version of The Arctic Monkey's track is pop at its finest. It should put the people back in party mode.

Bad Romance / Toxic / My Life Would Suck Without You
I'll do this just because I can. No, I think it would be fun to try this medley for a change. Toxic would prove challenging though.

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

Heck, if Miley Cyrus can sing it... Of course, I need to change certain nouns and related references.

SET IV:
I Want To Know What Love Is
I'll just do away with the faux-gospel back up and organic instrumentation and this would come off as a legitimate rock song. Then again, it would take away the grandeur of the finale.

The Time Of My Life

The encore. Easily, this is best American Idol coronation song in my opinion. It easily showcases the vocal range and emotional depth. Hence, it quickly became a karaoke favorite.

Never mind that I only get to sing one track. It's better to be prepared anyway.

the last song

Here we go.

I stepped on the stage. Bright lights flared from above. Random notes were hit by the percussion and string people as they tried to get their instruments in tune. The hosts to my left prattled on about something as they took a swig from their bottles.

The floor was a hustle. The crowd drank and cheered and clapped and moved around like we were having one big party on a Friday night. Save that it's Monday; like it would stop the people in the bar from having a good time.

Somewhere in the sea of indistinguishable faces are my friends. They're the reason why I'm here. Partly, anyway. I couldn't find them though, even if I wanted to; and really I wanted to. But that's how it is – while I stand front and center, up for everyone to gawk at, the audience is nothing but a landscape of loud silhouette.

But it's alright. The darkness is rather helpful in shaking off the jitters. Not that I have one. On the contrary, I'm rather anxious to have a go at this.

Don't get me wrong, I do experience stage fright but it is usually tempered by my shameless desire for the limelight. Yes, I have a Rachel Berry complex. As she once said, "I need applause to live." I’m pretty sure she stole that line from me.

Tonight, under these circumstances, that statement applies literally. I fear for my performance. I am a lot fidgety about my voice.

See, two weeks prior, I had a Glee-oke at home. I must have had an overdose of serotonin and delusion because I overly enjoyed the Defying Gravity number. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I had to sing it over and over and over again, not completely oblivious to the gradually increasing strain on my throat whenever I hit the last few gravity-defying notes. The day after, my voice cracked. By Friday, I had a videoke party with my friends. It was then that I realized that I can no longer sing to save my life. I have lost the one thing I can’t live without – my voice.

On top of that, I am to perform a song that I'm not exactly prepared for.

There was a microsecond of silence, and then the opening chords of the song were strummed by the lead guitarist. I took one last sweep of the room to locate my guaranteed life source but to no avail.

"Huh huh huh hu-uh huh..." The hosts-cum-back-vocals started.

I took the mic, closed my eyes and ad-libbed, "hmmm hmm hmm" all the while praying that my voice won't fail me this one time.

I opened my eyes, slowly for the dramatics, and embraced my audience.

The things we do... I thought to myself before singing,

"So true, funny how it seems..."

that kinda girl

Because she moves me in almost the same way that Mariah Carey does.

*******

Then & JoJo: Massive Music Festival. Front row, baby.

keep on keeping on

One year three months and six days ago, I stood at a street corner somewhere inside Diliman. I stood and watched as dusk settle in as it slowly painted everything in shades of purple. I stood, watched and all the while listened to the lamentations of a dear friend:

"There were no warnings. There were no signs. No one told me that it would happen. It just did."

I kept mum.

Indeed, life happens. It gets in the way of everything. All those late night phone calls and chats, or those fun dinner dates and weekend getaways, or the endless streams of gossip and inside jokes - it comes and eventually, it goes. Mainly because people grow, and as much as I hate to admit it, some do grow apart.

The friend continued, "But we're still okay. We do catch up from time to time, but..."

But it’s different?

I thought to myself. My friend's voice gave it away.

But it hurts to feel like you have been outgrown and there's nothing you can do but watch yourself fade into the background?

It's a struggle. I should know. I've been there.

That night, I have come to accept that friendship does ebb and flow. Even the closest can end up finding themselves so far out from where they've started; so far apart from another; much farther from where they thought they'd end up. In the end, one just have to let it run its course.

But I'm not one to just let it go, much more so for those whom I deem too precious to lose.

One year three months and six days ago, I learned that no one is inseparable.

One year three months and six days ago, I swore that we'll be the exception.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. Happy Birthday.

wish me well

2008 had me wishing for my US trip to push through. I sought peace of mind for 2009. Heck, I wished for it on four separate candle-blowing ceremonies. Well, maybe three since I did hope for something else that one occasion.

2010 is different. As of this writing, I have yet to come up with a birthday wish. (Also, as of this writing, I've only had one cake which my beloved brother took it to himself to cut a slice off before I could protest.) I find it a bit odd since I'm a sucker for these things but like I said - 2010 is different.

Easily, I could give you seven things that I could've wished for: a fitter body, Admutwenty, bliss, a Subaru Impreza, a new notebook, better career, and a new person. However, to force myself into yearning for these things just doesn't feel right.

Herein lies three possible explanations why I'm in this rather peculiar state:

One, I don't know what I really, really want so asking for anything lesser than that, in terms of importance and priority, just to say that I have a birthday wish, is tantamount to settling; I never settle.

Two, I'm done with birthday wishes. Maybe, the past few months, or years have taught me that birthday wishes are just that - wishes. Now, I'd rather categorize them as goals that I have to work for instead of leaving its happenstance at the hands of the powers-that-be. I like it when I have control over the variables. It makes the end goal seemingly within reach.

Third, while it may be far from what it seems, perhaps I really have nothing to aspire for at the moment. Those seven things that I have mentioned, I can as quickly come up with reasons why I don't have to wish for them: I may not have the body that I want yet but I'm a lot fitter as compared to twelve months ago; I get to see Admutwenty every so often and that's enough for me, and besides, I no longer want to get too attached to anyone anyway; achieving bliss is relative; cars are expensive - I'd rather have a baby; I still have a functioning laptop; my career is the last thing on my mind right now; and I have everyone that I need (really, you do realize these things after shit happens). I may not be jumping up and down with glee but I am quite content with the people and things that I have in my life. Truthfully, I couldn't ask for more.

So yes, there will be a lack of birthday wishes made by myself this year. But please, don't let me stop you from wishing me well. Yours are most welcome.

lost in summer

Doing away with the (500).

*******

Lost in the middle of nowhere. When all is right in the world.

the m word

I'm rather inarticulate these past few days so let me just put this plainly.

More than any other month, it is May that I look forward to the most. I wake up each morning with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of what's in store for me.

Like how the King greeted me each day, for seven days, in different ways, last year, or how Binx ended up giving me one of the most heartwarming messages I have ever heard, or how the traditional dinner with my beloved inner circle took us back to the days when we were young and carefree, and in contrast, the customary night out with the girls highlighted just how far we've come, or how Gracie surprised me with a cake and an improvised card as I descended the walls of Power Up seven years back, or how A Prime purposely ignored me the entire day and instead, called me at the exact time of my birth, or how I always end up getting exactly what I need, albeit not necessarily what I want, on my day.

May is the one month that I'm guaranteed of that extra cookie. May is when I'm luckiest, and more importantly, it is when I feel that I'm most special. May is love.

Tuwing May, feeling ko ako ang bida. Siyempre, bawal kumontra.

dear admutwenty (4)

You make me feel like a virgin...







Santana Lopez was on my iPod when I saw you look my way. For real.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. It’s good to see you again after what felt like forever. You are, indeed, fine. =)