At an hour when most people would rather be outside celebrating the night's festivity, I am in my bed with August, the BlackBerry in my hand, reading a message that I received yesterday. I have gone through it for countless times that when I close my eyes, and listen closely, I hear a once-familiar voice whisper word after word. So I try not to.
(A loud crackle prompted me to stare out the window, and yet again, I hear the night wind sing of our lonesome lullaby.)
Memories are forever but for tonight I want them like a string of lights amidst the spectacle of fireworks. Lost, but not forgotten.
*******
Should old acquiantance be forgot and never brought to mind?
- Mariah Carey, Auld Lang Syne (New Year's Anthem)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
generations: engel tells all
When you try to meet bloggers outside of their respective homes, you take a risk. Apart from what you read in their blogs, you really wouldn't know anything about the writer until you finally meet him/her. There are those who'll stalk you, those who'll be clingy… the crazies. There will be people that when you meet, you'll become enemies; and of course there will be those who will become your lifelong friends.
I don't know what led me to add his Yahoo Messenger ID when I saw it, a few months after following his blog. I think I had a little crush on the writer. We certainly had one thing in common. We love the X-Men. He has a certain fascination with Psylocke, while I'm more of a fan of Bobby Drake. But more than that, he was a sensible writer.
Deep.
Romantic.
Interesting.
He is the total opposite of me. That's why I was so surprised that he accepted my invite. I did not expect that.
I was more surprised when I got to know him better. He was the opposite of who I thought the writer behind One Minute Before Dawn would be. My initial impression of Mak was that he would be an elitist snob who doesn't mingle with us commoners. He had that rich kid vibe.
But then he had to make a comment about being Kim Chiu to Gerald Anderson.
And so the barrier was broken. He was not who I expected him to be. Yeah, he tends to be serious, and a bit melodramatic, but he knows how to have fun. We got along great.
For a long time, all we talked about was blogging. Bloggers. Blog life. Write ups. We compared blog crushes. And then we opened up about our lives. Our past loves. Heartaches. I got to know Mak better. Suddenly, we're not just online pals, we became friends.
The guy's a hard nut to crack. I oftentimes tend to spill too much information to him, only to find out he's not going to spill back. But that's fine. The trick with Mak is you have to be patient. And to shut your mouth. But that's why it's easy to trust him. When you tell him something you don't want others to know, you can trust that he'll keep his word.
We've only known each other for about a year, but among the people I've met online when I started out writing, he was the one who I've been through a lot. He set me up on a date with his friend. I've been with him through a recent heartache. We slept through some parts of the movie Inception. And we've become church buddies.
It is a risk meeting people online. But in the rare instances that you meet people like Mak, you'd be glad to know that some risks have positive pay-offs.
*******
Who would've have thought that Engel would manage to tell it all in just 481 words? Engel has been a friend for over a year now, and a reader of OMBD for far longer. But really, who's counting?
I don't know what led me to add his Yahoo Messenger ID when I saw it, a few months after following his blog. I think I had a little crush on the writer. We certainly had one thing in common. We love the X-Men. He has a certain fascination with Psylocke, while I'm more of a fan of Bobby Drake. But more than that, he was a sensible writer.
Deep.
Romantic.
Interesting.
He is the total opposite of me. That's why I was so surprised that he accepted my invite. I did not expect that.
I was more surprised when I got to know him better. He was the opposite of who I thought the writer behind One Minute Before Dawn would be. My initial impression of Mak was that he would be an elitist snob who doesn't mingle with us commoners. He had that rich kid vibe.
But then he had to make a comment about being Kim Chiu to Gerald Anderson.
And so the barrier was broken. He was not who I expected him to be. Yeah, he tends to be serious, and a bit melodramatic, but he knows how to have fun. We got along great.
For a long time, all we talked about was blogging. Bloggers. Blog life. Write ups. We compared blog crushes. And then we opened up about our lives. Our past loves. Heartaches. I got to know Mak better. Suddenly, we're not just online pals, we became friends.
The guy's a hard nut to crack. I oftentimes tend to spill too much information to him, only to find out he's not going to spill back. But that's fine. The trick with Mak is you have to be patient. And to shut your mouth. But that's why it's easy to trust him. When you tell him something you don't want others to know, you can trust that he'll keep his word.
We've only known each other for about a year, but among the people I've met online when I started out writing, he was the one who I've been through a lot. He set me up on a date with his friend. I've been with him through a recent heartache. We slept through some parts of the movie Inception. And we've become church buddies.
It is a risk meeting people online. But in the rare instances that you meet people like Mak, you'd be glad to know that some risks have positive pay-offs.
*******
Who would've have thought that Engel would manage to tell it all in just 481 words? Engel has been a friend for over a year now, and a reader of OMBD for far longer. But really, who's counting?
generations: my-so-called quest
Everyone can write. But not everyone can write well.
The glory days of blogging then was all about writing what you know, sharing your thoughts and not minding how many readers will you have or how many hits you'll get.
This blogger writes very very well.
I discovered OMBD few months after the birth of my blog. Actually I was back reading and it was April 2008, that's when I commented in OMBD. You know, when you meet someone and in an instant and you'll click just like that? I guess that's what happened. In addition from that, I read somewhere that he likes a certain musical legend that I also like. And it all started there. We became good friends.
I can also recall, that was my summer vacation and that was the time he's leaving for US. We chatted most of the time and talk about his trip and someone from his travel mate and his Mickey Mouse shirt. Hehe.
Aside from throwing lines from one of our favorite films, laughing at Ana Farris in her movies, and others. What's more important are the brotherly advices he gave me. I told him he's like one of my elder siblings. And I'm thankful that he listens to me even in my most annoying ways. Hehe! have I told you I look up to you?
To you, OMBD, happy happy blog anniversary!
My only wish is that you'll come back and write more. I wish for the return of your old self, the free spirited and lighthearted posts and your music reviews and others. I know change is inevitable, and some situations modify our perspectives. What we write are mostly the things that's going through our lives but that doesn't mean we will settle to the sulky side of it. If we look on a brighter side, I know you'll comeback sharp-witted as ever, confident and optimistic.
And I can't wait for that comeback, hopefully one minute before dawn.
*******
For some reason, I am the older brother archetype for the young ones who gravitate towards me. I wonder because I'm like perennially 17. Doc Ced can attest to this. We've been making fetch happen since 2008.
The glory days of blogging then was all about writing what you know, sharing your thoughts and not minding how many readers will you have or how many hits you'll get.
This blogger writes very very well.
I discovered OMBD few months after the birth of my blog. Actually I was back reading and it was April 2008, that's when I commented in OMBD. You know, when you meet someone and in an instant and you'll click just like that? I guess that's what happened. In addition from that, I read somewhere that he likes a certain musical legend that I also like. And it all started there. We became good friends.
I can also recall, that was my summer vacation and that was the time he's leaving for US. We chatted most of the time and talk about his trip and someone from his travel mate and his Mickey Mouse shirt. Hehe.
Aside from throwing lines from one of our favorite films, laughing at Ana Farris in her movies, and others. What's more important are the brotherly advices he gave me. I told him he's like one of my elder siblings. And I'm thankful that he listens to me even in my most annoying ways. Hehe! have I told you I look up to you?
To you, OMBD, happy happy blog anniversary!
My only wish is that you'll come back and write more. I wish for the return of your old self, the free spirited and lighthearted posts and your music reviews and others. I know change is inevitable, and some situations modify our perspectives. What we write are mostly the things that's going through our lives but that doesn't mean we will settle to the sulky side of it. If we look on a brighter side, I know you'll comeback sharp-witted as ever, confident and optimistic.
And I can't wait for that comeback, hopefully one minute before dawn.
*******
For some reason, I am the older brother archetype for the young ones who gravitate towards me. I wonder because I'm like perennially 17. Doc Ced can attest to this. We've been making fetch happen since 2008.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
back to december
All too often, I find myself browsing my archive and skimming through past entries. I salvage thoughts and ideas from inspired words but more than that, there is a certain pleasure in back reading. In spite of the occasional lapses in grammar which I stumble onto and the general tackiness of some entries which I cringe on, nostalgia is almost always a wonderful treat for a sentimental fool like me.
Like today, three Christmas seasons ago, I remember being heartbroken. Well, almost. I was in that sorry state where I know that the relationship's end is nigh. I drowned myself in the words of an Enrique Iglesias song, in alternate to Binx's sermons. I remember blog hopping that night. I remember stumbling onto online journals penned by alleged cyber celebrities. I was in awe. Their works were brilliant. Their sentiments and their words rang true (or so it seemed). It dawned on me that I needed the same – an outlet where I can say what I want to say, where I can be myself in my entirety - stripped. Today, three Christmas seasons ago, I promised to never hide what I really feel.
For a time, I kept my word. I wrote of sadness and despair. I wrote of plights and delights. I wrote of crushes and love not untainted. I wrote of everything; anything that I can think of, until recently when I started to think of it as a daunting task. Writing is a struggle against silence, I know. The thing is, I've been letting the silence beat the crap out of me these past few months. I guess I thought it was better to keep mum than let out the truth because, as cliché as it sounds, the truth can be hurtful not only to me but to everyone else that is involved. That's the last thing I want to do. Apparently, I thought wrongly, and I'm blaming it on the Cuervo.
This is why I have a thing for history – mine, yours, and everyone else's. Knowledge of the past is often a key to getting good insights to the present, and the future. When I look back, I see how much I have changed and what I have become. Don't get me wrong. Change is a good thing. It’s just that sometimes, I wonder if my old self is better.
Like today, three Christmas seasons ago, I remember being heartbroken. Well, almost. I was in that sorry state where I know that the relationship's end is nigh. I drowned myself in the words of an Enrique Iglesias song, in alternate to Binx's sermons. I remember blog hopping that night. I remember stumbling onto online journals penned by alleged cyber celebrities. I was in awe. Their works were brilliant. Their sentiments and their words rang true (or so it seemed). It dawned on me that I needed the same – an outlet where I can say what I want to say, where I can be myself in my entirety - stripped. Today, three Christmas seasons ago, I promised to never hide what I really feel.
For a time, I kept my word. I wrote of sadness and despair. I wrote of plights and delights. I wrote of crushes and love not untainted. I wrote of everything; anything that I can think of, until recently when I started to think of it as a daunting task. Writing is a struggle against silence, I know. The thing is, I've been letting the silence beat the crap out of me these past few months. I guess I thought it was better to keep mum than let out the truth because, as cliché as it sounds, the truth can be hurtful not only to me but to everyone else that is involved. That's the last thing I want to do. Apparently, I thought wrongly, and I'm blaming it on the Cuervo.
This is why I have a thing for history – mine, yours, and everyone else's. Knowledge of the past is often a key to getting good insights to the present, and the future. When I look back, I see how much I have changed and what I have become. Don't get me wrong. Change is a good thing. It’s just that sometimes, I wonder if my old self is better.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
the climb
"I'm home," I remember hollering in the hope of surprising you. It was a little past ten in the evening and you weren't really expecting me until tomorrow.
"Yey," you cheered, and I saw the smile that always lights your face; the same smile that brings one to my own lips.
"Umulan dun," I said, pouting.
"Naulanan ka?"
"Madulas ba?"
"Masaya ka naman, I hope? Sana."
"Napagod ka din siguro, no?"
You went on throwing a barrage of questions until you realized how funny it sounded. "Interrogation mode," you laughed. "Na-miss lang kita."
That of course, made me smile. After all, I was more than excited to tell you how the climb went. "I had mud all over," I said. "It was fun! Paramihan kami ng dulas."
We broke into a heartfelt laughter.
"My favorite part would be the vertical climb from the falls," I remember saying. I beamed with pride thinking that it was rather an accomplishment on my end considering how I am. "The climb taught me that I should pack light and wear the appropriate footwear. Of course, those are the practical stuff." I paused before adding, "The more important thing is nawala ang kaartehan ko dahil sa bundok na yan!"
I couldn't think of another instance when you laughed this hard, and I just stared at you, listened to your hearty laughter; I took it all in and dwelled in the warm and fuzzy feeling that it gave me.
"I'm happy to know that you enjoyed your trip." You smiled. "I remember my first time. Alam mo, something in me stirs everytime I climb. Everytime I reach that summit and behold the view."
I nodded and said, "I did what you told me when I reached the summit."
Sadly, the heart never forgets.
"Mountain climbing teaches us to hold on, sometimes for dear life especially when you're in danger of falling." I remember you saying. "First travel, then struggle, finally calm - a mountaineer's philosophy."
Why?
*******
I remember those simple things. I remember 'til I cry. But the one thing I wish I'd forget, the memory I want to forget is goodbye.
- Miley Cyrus, Goodbye
"Yey," you cheered, and I saw the smile that always lights your face; the same smile that brings one to my own lips.
"Umulan dun," I said, pouting.
"Naulanan ka?"
"Madulas ba?"
"Masaya ka naman, I hope? Sana."
"Napagod ka din siguro, no?"
You went on throwing a barrage of questions until you realized how funny it sounded. "Interrogation mode," you laughed. "Na-miss lang kita."
That of course, made me smile. After all, I was more than excited to tell you how the climb went. "I had mud all over," I said. "It was fun! Paramihan kami ng dulas."
We broke into a heartfelt laughter.
"My favorite part would be the vertical climb from the falls," I remember saying. I beamed with pride thinking that it was rather an accomplishment on my end considering how I am. "The climb taught me that I should pack light and wear the appropriate footwear. Of course, those are the practical stuff." I paused before adding, "The more important thing is nawala ang kaartehan ko dahil sa bundok na yan!"
I couldn't think of another instance when you laughed this hard, and I just stared at you, listened to your hearty laughter; I took it all in and dwelled in the warm and fuzzy feeling that it gave me.
"I'm happy to know that you enjoyed your trip." You smiled. "I remember my first time. Alam mo, something in me stirs everytime I climb. Everytime I reach that summit and behold the view."
I nodded and said, "I did what you told me when I reached the summit."
"Think of me when you reach the summit; I am with you as you climb."Your words, put to heart.
Sadly, the heart never forgets.
"Mountain climbing teaches us to hold on, sometimes for dear life especially when you're in danger of falling." I remember you saying. "First travel, then struggle, finally calm - a mountaineer's philosophy."
"I did what you told me when I reached the summit."So why am I still struggling?
Why?
*******
I remember those simple things. I remember 'til I cry. But the one thing I wish I'd forget, the memory I want to forget is goodbye.
- Miley Cyrus, Goodbye
Saturday, December 11, 2010
higher education
I've always had this fascination with Marketing.
If it weren't for my father's coaxing, I would have taken it up instead of Accountancy.
"Nandiyan ang pera sa accounting," he said and of course, he was wrong.
Then again, it's most likely I would have still ended up an accounting major on account of the college's hierarchy. Accounting students may be nerdy and some may be socially inept but they're almost always Commerce's Creme de la Creme. Modesty aside, I belong there; my heart though, it belongs to Marketing.
In sophomore year, I had this marketing professor who challenged me to ace her midterm examination. If I win, I get a final grade of 1.0 on her subject. That means I don't have to attend her class for the rest of the semester. When the results came out, she gladly announced in front of the class that she owes me a grade of 1.0, and that if she can give me a grade higher than that, she would.
It was one of the best classes I have attended, and she was perhaps the best professor I have had. I'm saying this not only because she saw me as her golden boy or that she made good of her promise; more than that, she was so effective in sharing her learnings and applications in real life. She made her discussions so enticing. She groomed us to think outside the damn box. She taught the class how to appreciate and love everything that is Marketing; I can't help but think that life is Marketing so essentially, she taught us how to deal with life.
Four months ago, I tried to explain all this in one of my classes. Yes, I finally had the opportunity and necessary resources to enroll in a graduate school of business and take up what I love. Today's the last day of the term and I feel so relieved to have completed it. Truth be told, it is quite difficult to juggle studies and work and life and love. There's always a chance to drop one, if not all three, if you're not good enough a juggler.
"Pero hindi puwedeng, hindi puwede."
That's what my professor would say and I couldn't agree more.
If it weren't for my father's coaxing, I would have taken it up instead of Accountancy.
"Nandiyan ang pera sa accounting," he said and of course, he was wrong.
Then again, it's most likely I would have still ended up an accounting major on account of the college's hierarchy. Accounting students may be nerdy and some may be socially inept but they're almost always Commerce's Creme de la Creme. Modesty aside, I belong there; my heart though, it belongs to Marketing.
In sophomore year, I had this marketing professor who challenged me to ace her midterm examination. If I win, I get a final grade of 1.0 on her subject. That means I don't have to attend her class for the rest of the semester. When the results came out, she gladly announced in front of the class that she owes me a grade of 1.0, and that if she can give me a grade higher than that, she would.
It was one of the best classes I have attended, and she was perhaps the best professor I have had. I'm saying this not only because she saw me as her golden boy or that she made good of her promise; more than that, she was so effective in sharing her learnings and applications in real life. She made her discussions so enticing. She groomed us to think outside the damn box. She taught the class how to appreciate and love everything that is Marketing; I can't help but think that life is Marketing so essentially, she taught us how to deal with life.
Four months ago, I tried to explain all this in one of my classes. Yes, I finally had the opportunity and necessary resources to enroll in a graduate school of business and take up what I love. Today's the last day of the term and I feel so relieved to have completed it. Truth be told, it is quite difficult to juggle studies and work and life and love. There's always a chance to drop one, if not all three, if you're not good enough a juggler.
"Pero hindi puwedeng, hindi puwede."
That's what my professor would say and I couldn't agree more.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
luminaria
I talked of walking along the edge of a 37-storey building, and of seeing land masses that resemble chocolate mounds, and of holding adorable doe-eyed tarsiers and colorful butterflies. I spoke of pretty much everything that I have encountered during my trip to Migs, the seven-year old son of a friend who tagged along. His mom graciously offered to fetch me from the airport.
"But what about the spider?" He asked. The kid looked at me with curious eagerness in his eyes.
"The spider was this big." I said measuring a space of half-a-foot between my hands.
"What was it doing?"
"It was waiting for a butterfly to land on its web."
"Will it eat the butterfly?"
"Yes."
"What else does it eat?" The little boy asked.
"Small insects, like dragonflies and fireflies and..."
"Fireflies." He said. "What abut the monkey? Does the spider eat the monkey cos you said the monkey's like really small?"
"Not really." I said smiling. "But I think it bites the fingers of little kids that are makulit!"
Migs flashed a toothy grin, quicky stuffing his hands into his short's pockets.
"Hey, look!" I motioned for Migs to come closer and look out the car's window. My friend slowed down her driving as we neared the Ayala Triangle Gardens. The lavish decors, the majestic string of lights hanging down from the tree tops make up for a very enchanting scene, one that's likely to be seen in a Taylor Swift video.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I asked. Migs stared at the light show but he appeared nonchalant about it. We turned right to Paseo where more LED lights are strewn on the trees on the street's center island. Pretty blue lights, dripping, moving in a steady rhythm. They're supposed to simulate rain, or snow; to me, they're tears flowing in silence.
"Do you know they put those lights up so Santa would know where to go when he gives out his gifts?" I told Migs while pointing towards it. The boy beamed from where he's sitting; his eyes widened. "Have you written a letter to Santa yet?"
"Yes, and I asked for more Ben 10 Ultimate Alien toys." He rummaged through his back pack to show me the ones he already have. "What about you? What did you ask Santa?"
With half a smile, I looked at Migs who was now busy playing with the Ben 10 wrist gadget. His question caught me off guard. I stared at the view at his side of the window. I don't know why but I was hoping that the light displays, those teardrops - they'd give me an answer but one by one they coalesce into a mass of incadescence as we sped down the avenue; and ultimately, they turn into an indistinguishable blur.
It is not unlike what I am right now.
I need to get my shine one. I need to know what I want for Christmas, and I need to know what I want in this life.
"But what about the spider?" He asked. The kid looked at me with curious eagerness in his eyes.
"The spider was this big." I said measuring a space of half-a-foot between my hands.
"What was it doing?"
"It was waiting for a butterfly to land on its web."
"Will it eat the butterfly?"
"Yes."
"What else does it eat?" The little boy asked.
"Small insects, like dragonflies and fireflies and..."
"Fireflies." He said. "What abut the monkey? Does the spider eat the monkey cos you said the monkey's like really small?"
"Not really." I said smiling. "But I think it bites the fingers of little kids that are makulit!"
Migs flashed a toothy grin, quicky stuffing his hands into his short's pockets.
"Hey, look!" I motioned for Migs to come closer and look out the car's window. My friend slowed down her driving as we neared the Ayala Triangle Gardens. The lavish decors, the majestic string of lights hanging down from the tree tops make up for a very enchanting scene, one that's likely to be seen in a Taylor Swift video.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I asked. Migs stared at the light show but he appeared nonchalant about it. We turned right to Paseo where more LED lights are strewn on the trees on the street's center island. Pretty blue lights, dripping, moving in a steady rhythm. They're supposed to simulate rain, or snow; to me, they're tears flowing in silence.
"Do you know they put those lights up so Santa would know where to go when he gives out his gifts?" I told Migs while pointing towards it. The boy beamed from where he's sitting; his eyes widened. "Have you written a letter to Santa yet?"
"Yes, and I asked for more Ben 10 Ultimate Alien toys." He rummaged through his back pack to show me the ones he already have. "What about you? What did you ask Santa?"
With half a smile, I looked at Migs who was now busy playing with the Ben 10 wrist gadget. His question caught me off guard. I stared at the view at his side of the window. I don't know why but I was hoping that the light displays, those teardrops - they'd give me an answer but one by one they coalesce into a mass of incadescence as we sped down the avenue; and ultimately, they turn into an indistinguishable blur.
It is not unlike what I am right now.
I need to get my shine one. I need to know what I want for Christmas, and I need to know what I want in this life.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
lux et veritas, II
A shooting star amidst the autumn night
Blazing, burning, ever so bright
A heart, it whispers a wish at sight
That it be rekindled, its fading light.
*******
I was bound to burn out, only to come back brighter than ever.
Blazing, burning, ever so bright
A heart, it whispers a wish at sight
That it be rekindled, its fading light.
*******
I was bound to burn out, only to come back brighter than ever.
Monday, November 8, 2010
till my heartaches end
"Destiny, di ba," tanong mo.
"Oo, destiny talaga."
Iyan ang gusto kong isagot. Tinadhana talaga na mapanuod ko ang pelikulang mo. Sa totoo lang, sumakit ang ulo ko sa Paano Na Kaya. Ganun man, pinagpilitan ko pa rin na mapanuod ang Till My Heartaches End. Oo, ganun ka kalakas sa akin.
Hindi naman ako umasa na may take away ako sa pelikula. Tama na yung makita kita. Tama na yung marinig ko yung boses mo. Masaya na ako dun. Tamang kilig ba? Yun lang naman habol ko - ma-distract. Pero akalain mo, ikaw lang pala ang makakapagbigay liwanag sa akin. Well, ikaw saka yung ka-love team mo. Biruin mo, ilang beses ko ng inuntog ang sarili ko sa pader pero walang epekto. Sabi ko na nga ba mas matatauhan ako kapag sa dibdib ng mga tulad mo ako inuntog.
Wala sigurong eksena na hindi ako nasapul. Saktong sakto eh. Kulang na lang ay ako na ang makipag-dialogue sa'yo dun. Nakakahiya man sabihin (pero tayong dalawa lang naman makaka-alam di ba?) na kahit hindi ako napaluha eh sakit naman sa dibdib ang inabot ko sa drama niyong dalawa.
"Eh inuntog ka na pala, bakit ayaw mo pa ring tigilan," tanong ng pinsan ng ka-love team mo sa kanya pagkatapos mo siyang bulyawan. Ikaw na yung nanloko, ikaw na yung may kasalanan eh ikaw pa yung galit.
"Ayos ka lang ba diyan," tanong ng kaibigan ko.
"Lintek na destiny yan," bulong ko. Kung wala yung panyo ko sa kanang kamay ko, malamang duguan na yung palad ko. Naawa ako sa ka-love team mo. Dama ko ang bawat minutong siya'y nakatunganga. Nakatingin sa celphone. Naghihintay kung kailan ka magpaparamdam, kung kailan ka magso-sorry. Masakit. Tapos hindi pa maiwasan na maalala yung tamis ng nakaraan.
"Oo, destiny talaga."
Iyan ang gusto kong isagot. Tinadhana talaga na mapanuod ko ang pelikulang mo. Sa totoo lang, sumakit ang ulo ko sa Paano Na Kaya. Ganun man, pinagpilitan ko pa rin na mapanuod ang Till My Heartaches End. Oo, ganun ka kalakas sa akin.
Hindi naman ako umasa na may take away ako sa pelikula. Tama na yung makita kita. Tama na yung marinig ko yung boses mo. Masaya na ako dun. Tamang kilig ba? Yun lang naman habol ko - ma-distract. Pero akalain mo, ikaw lang pala ang makakapagbigay liwanag sa akin. Well, ikaw saka yung ka-love team mo. Biruin mo, ilang beses ko ng inuntog ang sarili ko sa pader pero walang epekto. Sabi ko na nga ba mas matatauhan ako kapag sa dibdib ng mga tulad mo ako inuntog.
Wala sigurong eksena na hindi ako nasapul. Saktong sakto eh. Kulang na lang ay ako na ang makipag-dialogue sa'yo dun. Nakakahiya man sabihin (pero tayong dalawa lang naman makaka-alam di ba?) na kahit hindi ako napaluha eh sakit naman sa dibdib ang inabot ko sa drama niyong dalawa.
"Eh inuntog ka na pala, bakit ayaw mo pa ring tigilan," tanong ng pinsan ng ka-love team mo sa kanya pagkatapos mo siyang bulyawan. Ikaw na yung nanloko, ikaw na yung may kasalanan eh ikaw pa yung galit.
"Ayos ka lang ba diyan," tanong ng kaibigan ko.
"Lintek na destiny yan," bulong ko. Kung wala yung panyo ko sa kanang kamay ko, malamang duguan na yung palad ko. Naawa ako sa ka-love team mo. Dama ko ang bawat minutong siya'y nakatunganga. Nakatingin sa celphone. Naghihintay kung kailan ka magpaparamdam, kung kailan ka magso-sorry. Masakit. Tapos hindi pa maiwasan na maalala yung tamis ng nakaraan.
"Mahal mo ba ako?"Shet.
"Bakit mo naman sa 'kin tinatanong yan?"
"Kasi mahal kita, wag ka magalit tinatanong ko lang."
"Hindi naman ako nagagalit, tanungin mo naman ulit ako ako oh."
"Mahal mo ba ako?"
"Sobra, sobra sobra kitang mahal!"
Mas nakakalungkot. Mas nakakasakit. Ang hirap. Pumapatong pa yung pressure at problema na galing sa ibang aspeto ng buhay. Tsk. Wala talagang choice kundi maging matatag. Ganun naman talaga.
People meet by chance. People stay by choice. Those who stay are the ones who matter.
May mga tao talagang nawawala, umaalis sa buhay natin. Kahit anong pakiusap, kahit anong pilit, kahit anong dasal.
"Ayaw mo na ba sa akin?"Hindi natin kontrolado yun. Tanggapin man ito ay hindi ibig sabihin na hindi na pwedeng tumangis.
"Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?"
Buti na lang at nagpaka-lalaki ka at hinarap mo yung responsibilidad mo sa ka-love team mo. After all, minahal mo siya. Ganun naman dapat. Kung mahal mo ang isang tao, kung special siya sa'yo, dapat nirerespeto mo siya. Hindi naman maiiwasan na may masaktan pero at least, mababawasan yung sakit.
Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko pagkatapos ng pelikula, "I'd rather be hurt knowing the truth, than hurt and be clueless. Ang mali eh masyado lang nag-expect sa goodness ng tao, at masyado lang nagmahal. Di naman maiiwasan yan. Di ba nga, what's the point of loving if you can't love wholly?"
Pero hindi naman dapat magalit sa ginawa mo. People behave for their own reasons. One can't be mad for something that's beyond his control.
Tatlong taon. Siguro by then, okay na ang lahat.
Malaki ang naitulong ng Till My Heartaches End. Dahil dito, ang pelikula mo ang number one ko sa taong ito.
Salamat, Bok. Destiny talaga
Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko pagkatapos ng pelikula, "I'd rather be hurt knowing the truth, than hurt and be clueless. Ang mali eh masyado lang nag-expect sa goodness ng tao, at masyado lang nagmahal. Di naman maiiwasan yan. Di ba nga, what's the point of loving if you can't love wholly?"
Pero hindi naman dapat magalit sa ginawa mo. People behave for their own reasons. One can't be mad for something that's beyond his control.
Tatlong taon. Siguro by then, okay na ang lahat.
Malaki ang naitulong ng Till My Heartaches End. Dahil dito, ang pelikula mo ang number one ko sa taong ito.
Salamat, Bok. Destiny talaga
Friday, November 5, 2010
lux et veritas, I
I never got around to having the scary movie marathon I planned for Halloween. Instead, I contented myself to watching the two TV shows that I religiously follow – Glee and Supernatural. The Rocky Horror Glee Show was a big dud. There was a serious lack of Sam Evans and Santana. On the other hand, the latter's sixth episode revolved around the subject of truth which made for a particularly interesting subject.
Veritas, the Roman goddess of truth, was set loose in a town called Springfield. Her victims are those who sought honest answers to their queries and boy do they get it. The truth is slapped in their faces. Hard. Unfortunately, these poor souls can't handle the truth so they end up being food for the goddess. "The tongue is the most delicious part," the monster of the week said before taking a bite off the tongue she's holding. "It's where all the lies roll off," she added.
In as much as lies make for a flavorful tongue, they hurt but the truth, most likely, hurts far worse.
Understandably, it takes a whole lot of bravery, maturity and strength of character for one to handle the truth; it also takes a whole lot of those three capped by selflessness for one to speak it.
No wonder truth is so elusive.
So when a friend solicited my advice on how to clean up a mess that he got himself into, I told him, "There's nothing difficult in telling the truth. It's the hiding that makes it complicated and hard." Not to sound too preachy but it's true. Truth is the only way to a complete and genuine repose.
In other news, Dean beats up his brother, in a non-sexy way of course. It was revealed that since he came back from hell, Sam Winchester has been a boy without a heart. To do what needs to be done, he would lie and use anyone, even the people who matter. Hence, the smack down courtesy of his older brother.
I can't say I didn't see that one coming; foresight doesn't make it any less saddening though.
Sam's my favorite Winchester.
Veritas, the Roman goddess of truth, was set loose in a town called Springfield. Her victims are those who sought honest answers to their queries and boy do they get it. The truth is slapped in their faces. Hard. Unfortunately, these poor souls can't handle the truth so they end up being food for the goddess. "The tongue is the most delicious part," the monster of the week said before taking a bite off the tongue she's holding. "It's where all the lies roll off," she added.
In as much as lies make for a flavorful tongue, they hurt but the truth, most likely, hurts far worse.
Understandably, it takes a whole lot of bravery, maturity and strength of character for one to handle the truth; it also takes a whole lot of those three capped by selflessness for one to speak it.
No wonder truth is so elusive.
So when a friend solicited my advice on how to clean up a mess that he got himself into, I told him, "There's nothing difficult in telling the truth. It's the hiding that makes it complicated and hard." Not to sound too preachy but it's true. Truth is the only way to a complete and genuine repose.
In other news, Dean beats up his brother, in a non-sexy way of course. It was revealed that since he came back from hell, Sam Winchester has been a boy without a heart. To do what needs to be done, he would lie and use anyone, even the people who matter. Hence, the smack down courtesy of his older brother.
I can't say I didn't see that one coming; foresight doesn't make it any less saddening though.
Sam's my favorite Winchester.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
here's to silence
"I was on my way home. I couldn't stop myself," he said.
"What?"
"From crying."
"Why?" He asked. They asked.
"Because in spite of my attempts to look okay, to be fine, I'm hurting. I'm hurting because I was left and I wasn't given a chance, probably never had one to begin with, to show what I feel - and what I feel is strong and real.
Because I'm confused. I no longer know what to believe in, which is real and which isn't. I don't know if I was loved or cared for, or I was just a victim of a dark twisted game, a need to give affection, then swiftly take it back.
Because I feel like I'm too nice to be messed with, or maybe it is what should be blamed - my blind faith in the good.
Because in spite of it all, I still care.
I'm trying my best to love myself more but I feel like my heart's been run dried, and my eyes, they look tired and almost lifeless...
if not for the tears."
Sunday, October 31, 2010
time enough for tears
I
don't have to close my eyes long enough
for me to see
your lips
curved to a full smile,
and I
don't have to hold my breath long enough
for me to recall
faint echoes
(of how we laughed
and whispered
of things that
only you and I
should know,)
until
I hear my own heart
beat,
erratic,
against the silence,
just like how
it would probably be
should you and I
come together
in sweet fire light,
(Fleeting moments
that we wanted to last far longer.)
and, if I
could bring myself to a stand still
long enough to remember
and choose between
how far I've traveled, and
how hard I've struggled;
if I could just stop myself long enough to seek forgiveness,
for you,
and for myself -
then maybe I could open my eyes
and breathe
and feel my heart not beat me senselessly
once again,
then maybe I'll stop thinking
and hurting altogether,
then maybe,
just maybe,
there'll be calm.
*******
But really, how hard is it to just be the one to reach out?
don't have to close my eyes long enough
for me to see
your lips
curved to a full smile,
and I
don't have to hold my breath long enough
for me to recall
faint echoes
(of how we laughed
and whispered
of things that
only you and I
should know,)
until
I hear my own heart
beat,
erratic,
against the silence,
just like how
it would probably be
should you and I
come together
in sweet fire light,
(Fleeting moments
that we wanted to last far longer.)
and, if I
could bring myself to a stand still
long enough to remember
and choose between
how far I've traveled, and
how hard I've struggled;
if I could just stop myself long enough to seek forgiveness,
for you,
and for myself -
then maybe I could open my eyes
and breathe
and feel my heart not beat me senselessly
once again,
then maybe I'll stop thinking
and hurting altogether,
then maybe,
just maybe,
there'll be calm.
*******
But really, how hard is it to just be the one to reach out?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
querencia, II
I said I'm done crying
But really, I've just begun.
It will hurt a little
More than the usual
As my heart, or what's left of it,
Beats and bleeds
Ever so slowly
Until it stops
Feeling.
By then, we would have said our goodbyes
And I would have hid myself from everything,
Pretend to have neither sight nor sound
So You can live.
All I ever do is die on You.
*******
It's not even sadness, to accept the things you cannot understand.
But really, I've just begun.
It will hurt a little
More than the usual
As my heart, or what's left of it,
Beats and bleeds
Ever so slowly
Until it stops
Feeling.
By then, we would have said our goodbyes
And I would have hid myself from everything,
Pretend to have neither sight nor sound
So You can live.
All I ever do is die on You.
*******
It's not even sadness, to accept the things you cannot understand.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
everything leaves a mark
I got it from playing tumbang preso. My playmate aimlessly threw the can, and I caught it not with my hands but with my forehead, unfortunately. I saw stars, no shit, but I thought it was nothing. I found it borderline comic even. It was only when I felt something warm trickling down the side of my face did I panic. I ran straight home and quickly threw myself under the shower. The searing pain, the metallic smell of blood, and the tainted puddle of water on my feet - it remains so vivid in my head, like it happened not a day ago but it has been over a decade now.
Your tired fingers, ever so gently, traced the skin an inch above my eyebrow, over my scar. You won't really notice it unless you look close enough. Your words softly echoed in my head like it was just yesterday but it was yesterday when you left.
Your tired fingers, ever so gently, traced the skin an inch above my eyebrow, over my scar. You won't really notice it unless you look close enough. Your words softly echoed in my head like it was just yesterday but it was yesterday when you left.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
soul mate #9
Stars were thought to be lonely solitary beings until we came along - birthed from the tears of the primordial, once upon a half-forgotten summer. In a place most high, dust and dark matter danced around a force unseen until the soft imaginings of spoiled hearts and tattered hopes of those who bask in twilight laid out our light forms.
From a distance we flirt and deny the existence of chance before we admit what we know - we are two celestial objects bound never to burn, or subsume the other. When our paths converge, and they will, it will be a union like no other.
I have waited a lifetime for you;
I wish you could say the same for me.
From a distance we flirt and deny the existence of chance before we admit what we know - we are two celestial objects bound never to burn, or subsume the other. When our paths converge, and they will, it will be a union like no other.
I have waited a lifetime for you;
I wish you could say the same for me.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
in the dark
There is a certain feeling when my eyes cannot discern where lines start, or where it crosses and meets with other lines, or where it breaks or fades into itself, knowing that at one point it has to end. In the absence of light, the distinctions are blurred and everything falls into the depths of gray.
Now I understand why crickets sing at night.
Now I understand why crickets sing at night.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
in your sleep (reprise)
If you'd only let me rest beside you and watch you in your sleep, I'd picture how lovely it would be if you'd stare back and watch over me with the same intensity and longing, perhaps then, you and I won't be as lonely.
*******
Because I remember everything - all the simple things, even the ones that I wish I'd forget. I remember... I remember until I cry.
*******
Because I remember everything - all the simple things, even the ones that I wish I'd forget. I remember... I remember until I cry.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
come in with the rain
"A peso for your thoughts," Stephen said in his baritone register.
It was always enticing to hear him speak that way. It never fails to command the attention of anyone. Myself, included. I turned my eyes on him. He is such a sight. His normally slicked up hair was tousled and he kept a five o'clock shadow around his face. His thin red lips curved to a grin. A pair of brown eyes and fine dark lashes hid behind frameless glasses. He has this shy, smart and sweet demeanor that I love. He was my boy next door, my dearest Stephen.
"I'm afraid my thoughts will cost you more than a peso," I jested.
He let out a chuckle, and his dimples caught my eye.
I smiled, effectively showing mine before going on, "Some people, no matter how hard you try, they just don't get you. So you end up feeling like you're feigning interest. Bad, no? It makes me think that connections are rarer than I imagined."
"I know what you mean," he said. "I don't think it's necessarily bad, it just happens. We're not wired the same way. The people who match, they're lucky to find each other. The worst kind are those that fizzle out without even making a connection. Hindi ba minsan it's better to find someone whose thoughts contradict yours? There will be clashes but at least conversations are guaranteed to be interesting."
It was always enticing to hear him speak that way. It never fails to command the attention of anyone. Myself, included. I turned my eyes on him. He is such a sight. His normally slicked up hair was tousled and he kept a five o'clock shadow around his face. His thin red lips curved to a grin. A pair of brown eyes and fine dark lashes hid behind frameless glasses. He has this shy, smart and sweet demeanor that I love. He was my boy next door, my dearest Stephen.
"I'm afraid my thoughts will cost you more than a peso," I jested.
He let out a chuckle, and his dimples caught my eye.
I smiled, effectively showing mine before going on, "Some people, no matter how hard you try, they just don't get you. So you end up feeling like you're feigning interest. Bad, no? It makes me think that connections are rarer than I imagined."
"I know what you mean," he said. "I don't think it's necessarily bad, it just happens. We're not wired the same way. The people who match, they're lucky to find each other. The worst kind are those that fizzle out without even making a connection. Hindi ba minsan it's better to find someone whose thoughts contradict yours? There will be clashes but at least conversations are guaranteed to be interesting."
He paused and surveyed me with something that resembles curiosity glazed in his piercing eyes. "What's bothering you, Mark?"
I took a sip of the coffee...
What’s bothering me? Where do you want me to start? How about you saying yes to someone you just met, huh? And this, it all happened what, in one night? Hours before I were to tell you how I felt. How I still feel. Fuck! It fucking hurts. We had magic. I know that you know that we do. I was supposed to be that guy – the one who sweeps you off your feet, the one who walks you home each night, the one who makes you laugh with his wit and humor, the one who makes you smile whenever thoughts of him run through your mind. You left me, and now I just fizzle out on everyone else.
and closed my eyes. It's all I could do to stop him from seeing the look of pain that shot across my face.
A sigh escaped my lips, "Nothing."
For the next couple of seconds, we sat in a crazy awkward stillness.
I checked the time. It was almost two in the morning.
"We should probably go," I said.
We packed up our things and headed out.
We were at the cafe's doorway when you said, "I missed this, you know. I missed you."
I didn't reply. Instead, I found myself staring intensely at the darkness ahead. The moon offered no repose; she refused to bear witness to us. Instead, she harkened rain.
"Ayan, umulan na. Let's share my umbrella," Stephen offered as he fumbled for it inside his bag. “Or we can just stay a little bit longer?"
Yes, let's stay!
Yes, I missed you too!
I wanted to say it all but I'd rather not wait for the sky to clear.
"Let's just go home," I said as I put my jacket's hood on to cover my head. My heart has the rain.
I took a sip of the coffee...
What’s bothering me? Where do you want me to start? How about you saying yes to someone you just met, huh? And this, it all happened what, in one night? Hours before I were to tell you how I felt. How I still feel. Fuck! It fucking hurts. We had magic. I know that you know that we do. I was supposed to be that guy – the one who sweeps you off your feet, the one who walks you home each night, the one who makes you laugh with his wit and humor, the one who makes you smile whenever thoughts of him run through your mind. You left me, and now I just fizzle out on everyone else.
and closed my eyes. It's all I could do to stop him from seeing the look of pain that shot across my face.
A sigh escaped my lips, "Nothing."
For the next couple of seconds, we sat in a crazy awkward stillness.
I checked the time. It was almost two in the morning.
"We should probably go," I said.
We packed up our things and headed out.
We were at the cafe's doorway when you said, "I missed this, you know. I missed you."
I didn't reply. Instead, I found myself staring intensely at the darkness ahead. The moon offered no repose; she refused to bear witness to us. Instead, she harkened rain.
"Ayan, umulan na. Let's share my umbrella," Stephen offered as he fumbled for it inside his bag. “Or we can just stay a little bit longer?"
Yes, let's stay!
Yes, I missed you too!
I wanted to say it all but I'd rather not wait for the sky to clear.
"Let's just go home," I said as I put my jacket's hood on to cover my head. My heart has the rain.
Friday, September 10, 2010
the irony of it all
Have you ever liked somebody so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?
Something about the words sound familiar as I write them on my journal. Slightly hesitant to claim it as mine, I looked it up and found out that it was a quote from Glee. I was channeling Rachel Berry. I've always identified myself with Lea Michele's character so I wouldn't put it past me to actually believe that I conceived that line.
While I don't possess a resounding voice like hers, Rachel and I share a lot of similarities. At the age of five, I was already learning how to read sheet music. I had a vocal coach by six but that didn't work out well. I was already playing the piano by seven. I would've learned how to dance but the art was frowned upon in our household. My folks believe that it's too gay. Right.
Something about the words sound familiar as I write them on my journal. Slightly hesitant to claim it as mine, I looked it up and found out that it was a quote from Glee. I was channeling Rachel Berry. I've always identified myself with Lea Michele's character so I wouldn't put it past me to actually believe that I conceived that line.
While I don't possess a resounding voice like hers, Rachel and I share a lot of similarities. At the age of five, I was already learning how to read sheet music. I had a vocal coach by six but that didn't work out well. I was already playing the piano by seven. I would've learned how to dance but the art was frowned upon in our household. My folks believe that it's too gay. Right.
Anyway, more than that, Rachel and I think that we're both great. We're really driven, strong and resilient. You can't imagine the lengths we'll go to get what we want. We want to shine brighter than the others. While she has her gold star after her name, I have my unicorn because stars are so commonplace, especially for someone like me. And if it's not yet obvious at this point, we're both melodramatic.
So I was surprised when a friend sent me a message back in early August telling me:
Mark, Kurt of Glee so reminds me of you! :) Not the gender-gender ha... the clothes, loyalty to friends, passion to excel. :)Her message made me laugh. Immediately, I tried to recollect what's Kurt like. The character's a bit on the loud and colorful side, which I'm not. While I know how to dress well, I'm not particular with the latest fashion trends. A friend's mother once told me that I'm regal and not because I sit with my legs crossed; she said that I move with such refinement and confidence. I brought her cupcakes the following day. I'm neither superficial nor arrogant. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just know that when a situation calls for it, I can hold my own. However, like Kurt, I can be the most caring and loving person you'll meet. Modesty aside, my friends are lucky to have me but only because I'm luckier and more blessed to have them around.
Real people are much harder and too complex to be boxed in to a single character. I may see myself as Rachel, or others may perceive me as Sue. For a point or two, my friend may be right that I'm like Kurt but she totally missed out mentioning that Mr. Cellophane is getting a boyfriend next season. Apparently, his name is Sam.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
time beyond
Cold, piercing words.
It was all that I needed. Had you given it sooner, you could've spared me from the hurt. You didn't trust that I would understand and accept when I'm a much better person than who you think I am.
I'm not sad that it's over but for the way you let it end, that you had to burn bridges when we could have stayed as friends, or mere acquaintances even. But I'm not mad. How can I be angry when you have made me felt so appreciated and special? You saw me as a beautiful person; desirable, as you put it. Despite what others say, I believe in every word that escaped your lips, and those that you have weaved with your fingertips. I am loved.
Nevertheless, I have to let go of the memories that we built, the happiness that we've shared and the idea that we existed. Clinging onto it will only bring more pain.
I will forget you just like what you wanted.
I won't miss you, and I won't even think of you.
But I won't say goodbye for we'll always have each other. Perhaps, not as lovers but as kindred souls who share the same moon. Maybe in a distant future summer, when that gap of space between us has been closed, when life has mended what we have bruised, when we least expect it, we'll find each other once again and maybe this time, we'll have a brand new start.
But let us not hold our breaths for it.
We need to live for the choices that we made.
I will carry on without you. I was not built to break.
This is the moment when we smile before we cry.
It was all that I needed. Had you given it sooner, you could've spared me from the hurt. You didn't trust that I would understand and accept when I'm a much better person than who you think I am.
I'm not sad that it's over but for the way you let it end, that you had to burn bridges when we could have stayed as friends, or mere acquaintances even. But I'm not mad. How can I be angry when you have made me felt so appreciated and special? You saw me as a beautiful person; desirable, as you put it. Despite what others say, I believe in every word that escaped your lips, and those that you have weaved with your fingertips. I am loved.
Nevertheless, I have to let go of the memories that we built, the happiness that we've shared and the idea that we existed. Clinging onto it will only bring more pain.
I will forget you just like what you wanted.
I won't miss you, and I won't even think of you.
But I won't say goodbye for we'll always have each other. Perhaps, not as lovers but as kindred souls who share the same moon. Maybe in a distant future summer, when that gap of space between us has been closed, when life has mended what we have bruised, when we least expect it, we'll find each other once again and maybe this time, we'll have a brand new start.
But let us not hold our breaths for it.
We need to live for the choices that we made.
I will carry on without you. I was not built to break.
This is the moment when we smile before we cry.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
to a pilgrim, II
I see your smile intertwined with the city lights. Maybe I'm just lonely, searching for meaning in the late of night.
I come to remember one of your earlier words. You said that you have a not-so-nice history with such dealings. Things develop into something which wasn't intended in the first place and then you... you tend to hurt them. You also said that you don't want it to happen, again. It is happening again.
Even if I want to I can't blame myself for looking past this red flag. It wasn't my intention to fall for you. I wanted you as my friend so the warning was inapplicable. Hence, it was shrugged off. Then I wanted to blame you but it's pointless for I couldn't. I won't.
It's unhealthy really, what I'm doing – summoning old ghosts but I can't stop. Not especially when I remember this:
It has been said that the sorrow of regret are to those who fail to voice out what's inside. I say it's infinitely sorrowful when two hearts have found the love that others envy, and yet it remains unconsummated. Star-crossed lovers, as you coined it. Like you and I.
But let's not live a life that is afflicted by what ifs and maybes. We will find ways to forget, but our echoes will always be there. It will be loudest when we're most vulnerable.
So at the risk of losing myself, and at the behest of everyone else, let me lay out everything on the line:
I will be in the church that you know I frequent, every morning from tomorrow until Friday at six thirty to an hour after, praying, waiting for you, wondering
if we can make things right,
say our proper goodbyes,
or break our hearts
for the last time.
If you really care. Be brave.
*****
When I first met you I knew I would love you for the rest of my life...
- The Pilgrim, Star-crossed
I come to remember one of your earlier words. You said that you have a not-so-nice history with such dealings. Things develop into something which wasn't intended in the first place and then you... you tend to hurt them. You also said that you don't want it to happen, again. It is happening again.
Even if I want to I can't blame myself for looking past this red flag. It wasn't my intention to fall for you. I wanted you as my friend so the warning was inapplicable. Hence, it was shrugged off. Then I wanted to blame you but it's pointless for I couldn't. I won't.
It's unhealthy really, what I'm doing – summoning old ghosts but I can't stop. Not especially when I remember this:
Dun nagsimula eh. Kakatawag mo ng S! Hahaha. :P But seriously there are many many things that have drawn me to you and not to the others. I have to thresh out some of those things pa nga. :P Haha. But there's only one thing that's keeping me in my current state. That's you (pasok: long sigh). :-DAnd once again, I am overwhelmed with your love. My eyes start to well up as I feel a love that is intense and gentle, kind and caring, raw and contagious, honest and sincere. The same love you must have felt when you told me in your stupor:
Xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxx X'xx xx xxxxxx. Pls forgeyt meConflicting statements as they are, it moved me in a positive light. You still love me. So why are you holding back? Help me understand – how can you devote your entire love to someone else when a part of your heart will forever yearn for me?
It has been said that the sorrow of regret are to those who fail to voice out what's inside. I say it's infinitely sorrowful when two hearts have found the love that others envy, and yet it remains unconsummated. Star-crossed lovers, as you coined it. Like you and I.
But let's not live a life that is afflicted by what ifs and maybes. We will find ways to forget, but our echoes will always be there. It will be loudest when we're most vulnerable.
So at the risk of losing myself, and at the behest of everyone else, let me lay out everything on the line:
I will be in the church that you know I frequent, every morning from tomorrow until Friday at six thirty to an hour after, praying, waiting for you, wondering
if we can make things right,
say our proper goodbyes,
or break our hearts
for the last time.
If you really care. Be brave.
*****
When I first met you I knew I would love you for the rest of my life...
- The Pilgrim, Star-crossed
Monday, September 6, 2010
to a pilgrim
S: Don’t want you to fall for me. I so don’t want to fall for you.
M: You don’t fall for an idea. You fall for something real. (July 2010)
*****
It is five in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I look out my window to see the waning crescent as it gives way to light. I remember the night before, and again, I start to cry.
You say that time was never on our side but I say time has always been on yours all along, like the choices that which you're afraid to take a chance on. It's what kills me.
You talk of not wanting to hurt and make me weep on moonless nights, or when I think of things that could have been, dreams that I have weaved, and moments when you tell me the sweetest things – when it is exactly what you have done. You told me to carry on without you when I have always thought that we are to stick together, no matter what happens; we’ll tackle each complexity one day at a time.
For the same situations, you say you'll weep in lieu of my tears. I say cry not when you can tell yourself that you really loved me for the reasons you explicitly stated. But cry because you were never brave enough to risk your forever with me. Cry because you're letting me go without a fight. Cry because you're turning your back on something magical, something great.
But I don't want you like that. I want you to be happy. I know I could make you happy. I have. You said it yourself – I changed your life, I am your miracle, and that I am the best and one pure thing that happened to you this year. So I don’t understand what's holding you back.
I will fight for you even if it means getting stabbed a million more times, since your first attempt to say goodbye was already a pierce through the heart, and the second, crushed it further. I want you to stay. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to choose me. I don't think there's anything else that could hurt me more than to see you leave and not give this a chance when I know that what we have is real and true. Our pull towards one another is too intense to ignore.
So I will hold on to the memories – your voice, your song, your smile and your words:
I don't want to remember you. I want you. Choose me. When you asked me not to leave you, I didn't. Now, I'm asking you for the same. Don't go. Please.
But waiting is the only thing that I can do at this point. I have faith that this isn't the end.
You are worth this, and more.
Mahal din kita.
*****
M: S, I want to fall for you... :c
S: Me thinks, I’ve already fallen. (August 2010)
M: You don’t fall for an idea. You fall for something real. (July 2010)
*****
It is five in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I look out my window to see the waning crescent as it gives way to light. I remember the night before, and again, I start to cry.
You say that time was never on our side but I say time has always been on yours all along, like the choices that which you're afraid to take a chance on. It's what kills me.
You talk of not wanting to hurt and make me weep on moonless nights, or when I think of things that could have been, dreams that I have weaved, and moments when you tell me the sweetest things – when it is exactly what you have done. You told me to carry on without you when I have always thought that we are to stick together, no matter what happens; we’ll tackle each complexity one day at a time.
For the same situations, you say you'll weep in lieu of my tears. I say cry not when you can tell yourself that you really loved me for the reasons you explicitly stated. But cry because you were never brave enough to risk your forever with me. Cry because you're letting me go without a fight. Cry because you're turning your back on something magical, something great.
But I don't want you like that. I want you to be happy. I know I could make you happy. I have. You said it yourself – I changed your life, I am your miracle, and that I am the best and one pure thing that happened to you this year. So I don’t understand what's holding you back.
I will fight for you even if it means getting stabbed a million more times, since your first attempt to say goodbye was already a pierce through the heart, and the second, crushed it further. I want you to stay. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to choose me. I don't think there's anything else that could hurt me more than to see you leave and not give this a chance when I know that what we have is real and true. Our pull towards one another is too intense to ignore.
So I will hold on to the memories – your voice, your song, your smile and your words:
Xxxxx xxxx, Mark. Xx xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Xx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx (xx xxxx) xxx xxxxxxxxxx. Xxxxx xxxx.I'll play them in my head over and over again until the day when you realize that we should not let love rest on fate's hands. It's on ours. If you ask me, I'll say yes in a heartbeat. So jump. Trust me; I will be there to catch you. I can give the same security and everything else, if you'd let me.
I don't want to remember you. I want you. Choose me. When you asked me not to leave you, I didn't. Now, I'm asking you for the same. Don't go. Please.
But waiting is the only thing that I can do at this point. I have faith that this isn't the end.
You are worth this, and more.
Mahal din kita.
*****
M: S, I want to fall for you... :c
S: Me thinks, I’ve already fallen. (August 2010)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
august rush
It's 5 AM and I still can't sleep, still high from the marathon conversation we have had. All my thoughts were of you, and how our seventeen-year-old selves, for half-a-day, shared thoughts on what it's like to exist before us, laughed at the silliest jokes, sang of the pale moonlight as we looked up at the same night sky, sighed over what ifs and might be's, took comfort in each other's breathing, and cried over tomorrow's uncertainty.
We are not guaranteed of an ever after. I am not guaranteed of anything. These, I know. But these I am sure of - you, this, everything is worth it. For I say we hurt because we love, and we love because we can.
The world won't stop spinning for us, and while we remain, while we still have time let us be in love, let us hurt and be confused and be scared, together. Let's claim this story as ours.
And if at some point in the future, near or otherwise, I find myself still awake, lonesome, at five in the morning with tears half-dried, do not fret. I have no regrets. I'll hold on to what we have until another dawn breaks for you, and I.
*******
You’re everything I dreamed about, and everything I talked about. I am this close to calling you my one great love if not for the fear that sometimes, the greatest loves are the ones that do not last.
We are not guaranteed of an ever after. I am not guaranteed of anything. These, I know. But these I am sure of - you, this, everything is worth it. For I say we hurt because we love, and we love because we can.
The world won't stop spinning for us, and while we remain, while we still have time let us be in love, let us hurt and be confused and be scared, together. Let's claim this story as ours.
And if at some point in the future, near or otherwise, I find myself still awake, lonesome, at five in the morning with tears half-dried, do not fret. I have no regrets. I'll hold on to what we have until another dawn breaks for you, and I.
*******
You’re everything I dreamed about, and everything I talked about. I am this close to calling you my one great love if not for the fear that sometimes, the greatest loves are the ones that do not last.
Friday, August 27, 2010
baby, just say...
"I'm normally quiet on the first date." The boy said as he talked to his other over the phone.
"Ikaw? Eh kumakanta ka na nga on your first day at work! Haha."
"Ah," he laughed recalling that instance. "It seems like you already know a lot about me."
"Oo," the other replied in a hushed tone. "Parang kilala na nga talaga kita. Siguro... we were Romeo and Juliet before."
"You do know their story is bound to end in tragedy..."
The boy smiled weakly on his end.
Both kept still and let the pitter patter of the moon's tears speak of their silent longing that theirs won’t end the same way.
It's not inevitable.
*******
"Ikaw? Eh kumakanta ka na nga on your first day at work! Haha."
"Ah," he laughed recalling that instance. "It seems like you already know a lot about me."
"Oo," the other replied in a hushed tone. "Parang kilala na nga talaga kita. Siguro... we were Romeo and Juliet before."
"You do know their story is bound to end in tragedy..."
The boy smiled weakly on his end.
Both kept still and let the pitter patter of the moon's tears speak of their silent longing that theirs won’t end the same way.
It's not inevitable.
*******
It seems like everywhere everyone's in love. So where are you?Will you let it slip by?
I'm here, am I not?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
dear john
More than two years ago, I came upon a truth that would alter my perception on all things love. It goes, "Do what you love and you will find someone who loves the same things. Don’t look for love, beg for love or suffer for love. Just live." So I did because I badly wanted to meet you.
I've traveled to places near and far hoping that you're out there having an adventure similar to mine – island-hopping in the far south, or trekking the terrains up north. I rode buses and railway transits as well thinking that you're among the travelers who yearn for home. I splurged on books wishing that we'll bump into each other on a bookstore's blind corner. You'll say sorry. I'll say it's okay. We'll look into each other's eyes. Sparks will fly, and we'll live happily ever after. That's one of my fairytales, of course. Another involves you on a white horse but Taylor Swift beat me to it. I regularly went to Church. I enrolled at the gym. I frequently hung out with friends. I lived in the fullest way possible. All these I did at the off-chance that you were also there, engrossed on the same thing; you'll see me and then you'll realize that I exist outside of your dreams.
Also, I write and although I mostly do it for myself, I do write for you as well. So maybe you'll see me through it. After all, writing's what I do best. It's what I think I do best. You'll read of things that I want to tell you about – who I am, who I hope you are, what I'm afraid of, what makes me love you and what I want to build with you. It's not outside the norm, anyway. I too have fallen for an idea once, in another lifetime. It didn't work out because it's supposed to work between you and I. It is meant to work for us. I know, and I know that you know that too. On these pages I have etched my honest truths. It is a witness to the endless nights and summers of my life, something that I'm looking forward to telling you in person. I bleed and you'll feel the pain. You'll sympathize when I cry. You'll laugh when I tell a joke. You'll marvel at how witty I can be. You will find it all interesting enough to want to get to know the person behind the words. Don't worry; I think I am as endearingly charming in real life as I am on paper.
The funny thing is that I have no idea who you are but I know you're out there trying to make your way to me. It has been said that when you want things bad enough, the universe will conspire to make it a reality. So let me be the one to say that I have faith that our paths are bound to cross soon. You're almost here. I can feel it. There's no rush. Take your time. I'll be waiting. What's one more day, when I have waited for forever for you?
I've traveled to places near and far hoping that you're out there having an adventure similar to mine – island-hopping in the far south, or trekking the terrains up north. I rode buses and railway transits as well thinking that you're among the travelers who yearn for home. I splurged on books wishing that we'll bump into each other on a bookstore's blind corner. You'll say sorry. I'll say it's okay. We'll look into each other's eyes. Sparks will fly, and we'll live happily ever after. That's one of my fairytales, of course. Another involves you on a white horse but Taylor Swift beat me to it. I regularly went to Church. I enrolled at the gym. I frequently hung out with friends. I lived in the fullest way possible. All these I did at the off-chance that you were also there, engrossed on the same thing; you'll see me and then you'll realize that I exist outside of your dreams.
Also, I write and although I mostly do it for myself, I do write for you as well. So maybe you'll see me through it. After all, writing's what I do best. It's what I think I do best. You'll read of things that I want to tell you about – who I am, who I hope you are, what I'm afraid of, what makes me love you and what I want to build with you. It's not outside the norm, anyway. I too have fallen for an idea once, in another lifetime. It didn't work out because it's supposed to work between you and I. It is meant to work for us. I know, and I know that you know that too. On these pages I have etched my honest truths. It is a witness to the endless nights and summers of my life, something that I'm looking forward to telling you in person. I bleed and you'll feel the pain. You'll sympathize when I cry. You'll laugh when I tell a joke. You'll marvel at how witty I can be. You will find it all interesting enough to want to get to know the person behind the words. Don't worry; I think I am as endearingly charming in real life as I am on paper.
The funny thing is that I have no idea who you are but I know you're out there trying to make your way to me. It has been said that when you want things bad enough, the universe will conspire to make it a reality. So let me be the one to say that I have faith that our paths are bound to cross soon. You're almost here. I can feel it. There's no rush. Take your time. I'll be waiting. What's one more day, when I have waited for forever for you?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
some, like you (reprise)
The moon and the stars, they will come out tonight
And perhaps, fireflies will gather round.
They are but glints in this odd cold space we move in for
I tell you, you shine better than light.
*******
It's not much but it's really for you.
If you think too much you lessen the magic, or even lose the moment. You miss out this point because you jump ahead and focus on the if's and maybe's. Just be happy. Allow yourselves to make mistakes and to get hurt. Don't worry, fate has a way of correcting itself. - Larra
And perhaps, fireflies will gather round.
They are but glints in this odd cold space we move in for
I tell you, you shine better than light.
I still wish we had another time
I still wish we had another place
Or another life...
*******
It's not much but it's really for you.
If you think too much you lessen the magic, or even lose the moment. You miss out this point because you jump ahead and focus on the if's and maybe's. Just be happy. Allow yourselves to make mistakes and to get hurt. Don't worry, fate has a way of correcting itself. - Larra
Thursday, August 19, 2010
some, like you
Lord, send me someone whom I can love and help and someone who can love and help me.
This prayer, it's what started all this.
Althea, cute petite girl. The one who looks good in white. A bit snobbish but really, she isn't or maybe because she told me, "Natutuwa ako sa'yo, Mark" that I don't see her as one.
Well, yes, she met this guy but let's not jump ahead.
So, Althea has been single for quite some time now, and yes, she's been single far longer than I have. Thank you for reminding me. Anyway, it was around February of this year when she got hold of the prayer. Thinking that there's nothing to lose and everything to gain, Althea included it in her intentions.
Last month, the girl confided something to me (so I really don't know why I'm telling you this). With half a smile, she told me she met someone. I was so happy until she relayed the entire story.
There's this guy, a classmate of hers in graduate school; the same guy who caught her eye a year ago. They weren't particularly close. Not until recently. Not until last summer when things started to develop. He made small talk. He joined her study group. He asked for her number. He invited her for lunch or merienda. He offered to make hatid. He did the whole nine yards of getting to know Althea.
"He's everything I ever wanted," my friend sighed, teary eyed. Althea was obviously falling for the guy.
Three weeks ago, they went out for dinner. It was when he admitted that he was strongly attracted to her. There was a pull that he can't explain and he was dying to tell her that.
"Pero wala daw siyang plano iwanan yung asawa't anak niya," Althea explained, and I sat there looking dumbfounded. I wanted to cry. It's sick how life plays cruel tricks on sweet innocent souls. I know it doesn't discriminate but it can be a bit discerning if it chooses to. Every single good person dreams of finding the one. Althea was no exception. She prayed for him to come. She prayed hard. He came, alright with a "but" attached and "inevitable pain and loss" written all over, in bloody red.
"If you choose to be in a relationship with him, a person who is committed, then you may be preventing yourself from having a relationship with someone you can call your own," I told her. "Maybe you're right that the prayer worked; maybe he is the one, but maybe you’re not meant to be together in this lifetime. You have to let go."
I trust that everything happens for a reason. That, I assured Althea.
Here’s the thing, six months ago, I said the same prayer with an abstract of you in mind. Not long after, summer to be precise, you happened. It took some time for me to realize but it is you. Now, I'm Althea – disoriented, confused, caught up in flurry of fight and flight. In fact, last night her tears were nearly mine until I remember such words – I won't. I need to fight this feeling.
But let me just say this - it's true that every once in a while someone new comes along that scrambles our preconceptions. You came and suddenly, everything has changed. I want to dismiss it as a mere coincidence because it's too good to be true; I no longer care if there's a valid reason behind such magic as long as it's there. For now, allow me these precious delusions. Let me believe that my prayer's really God heard.
This prayer, it's what started all this.
Althea, cute petite girl. The one who looks good in white. A bit snobbish but really, she isn't or maybe because she told me, "Natutuwa ako sa'yo, Mark" that I don't see her as one.
Well, yes, she met this guy but let's not jump ahead.
So, Althea has been single for quite some time now, and yes, she's been single far longer than I have. Thank you for reminding me. Anyway, it was around February of this year when she got hold of the prayer. Thinking that there's nothing to lose and everything to gain, Althea included it in her intentions.
Last month, the girl confided something to me (so I really don't know why I'm telling you this). With half a smile, she told me she met someone. I was so happy until she relayed the entire story.
There's this guy, a classmate of hers in graduate school; the same guy who caught her eye a year ago. They weren't particularly close. Not until recently. Not until last summer when things started to develop. He made small talk. He joined her study group. He asked for her number. He invited her for lunch or merienda. He offered to make hatid. He did the whole nine yards of getting to know Althea.
"He's everything I ever wanted," my friend sighed, teary eyed. Althea was obviously falling for the guy.
Three weeks ago, they went out for dinner. It was when he admitted that he was strongly attracted to her. There was a pull that he can't explain and he was dying to tell her that.
"Pero wala daw siyang plano iwanan yung asawa't anak niya," Althea explained, and I sat there looking dumbfounded. I wanted to cry. It's sick how life plays cruel tricks on sweet innocent souls. I know it doesn't discriminate but it can be a bit discerning if it chooses to. Every single good person dreams of finding the one. Althea was no exception. She prayed for him to come. She prayed hard. He came, alright with a "but" attached and "inevitable pain and loss" written all over, in bloody red.
"If you choose to be in a relationship with him, a person who is committed, then you may be preventing yourself from having a relationship with someone you can call your own," I told her. "Maybe you're right that the prayer worked; maybe he is the one, but maybe you’re not meant to be together in this lifetime. You have to let go."
I trust that everything happens for a reason. That, I assured Althea.
Here’s the thing, six months ago, I said the same prayer with an abstract of you in mind. Not long after, summer to be precise, you happened. It took some time for me to realize but it is you. Now, I'm Althea – disoriented, confused, caught up in flurry of fight and flight. In fact, last night her tears were nearly mine until I remember such words – I won't. I need to fight this feeling.
But let me just say this - it's true that every once in a while someone new comes along that scrambles our preconceptions. You came and suddenly, everything has changed. I want to dismiss it as a mere coincidence because it's too good to be true; I no longer care if there's a valid reason behind such magic as long as it's there. For now, allow me these precious delusions. Let me believe that my prayer's really God heard.
Friday, August 13, 2010
bargaining
EDSA is a mess. At night, it is hell; on Friday nights, well, you can just imagine. The heavy traffic in this area is a perennial problem. It is downright frustrating for daily motorists, and twice as much for those who are in a race against time.
Three Fridays ago, I found myself attempting to traverse the avenue only to end up stuck between half-empty buses and a whole lot of stress for a good hour or so. I would've pulled off a Moses and parted the congestion if I could. That night, I badly prayed that I can.
Minutes earlier, I found out that Binx had an accident. Despite his protest, I hurriedly left for Quezon City to tend to him.
"Don't worry. I'm okay," the stubborn boy said.
"I'm on my way."
He sighed. "I'm okay, really."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am. This is nothing. I'll be going home in a while. Nahihiya nga ako dito. Ayaw kong makitang inaasikaso ako dito."
"Inisip mo pa yan. Asan ka na?"
"Pupunta ka nga?"
In the end, his stubbornness yielded to mine. I wouldn't have it any other way of course. His was a serious predicament and the truth is I can't rest until I can be sure that he's entirely okay.
Apathetic to my plight, the cab driver engaged me in a conversation. Normally, I would reciprocate but needless to say, I was worried sick to come up with something intelligible to say. I would just throw a nod or an uh-huh every now and then just so he'd think that I was listening. I was too polite to ignore him.
He made commentaries on today's politics,
I was silent for the rest of the ride. In my head, I was actually trying to strike a deal with God. I prayed, "I'd rather be single forever, just don't let anything bad happen to him. Please?"
A statement not unlike the one quipped by the lead actress in Hating Kapatid, a movie that I wouldn't have dared to see if not for Sarah Geronimo and JC de Vera. It was an utter waste of film reels. This similarity dawned on me three days ago. While I wasn't really ecstatic over my finding, I did share it with Larra over lunch at UCC.
Three Fridays ago, I found myself attempting to traverse the avenue only to end up stuck between half-empty buses and a whole lot of stress for a good hour or so. I would've pulled off a Moses and parted the congestion if I could. That night, I badly prayed that I can.
Minutes earlier, I found out that Binx had an accident. Despite his protest, I hurriedly left for Quezon City to tend to him.
"Don't worry. I'm okay," the stubborn boy said.
"I'm on my way."
He sighed. "I'm okay, really."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am. This is nothing. I'll be going home in a while. Nahihiya nga ako dito. Ayaw kong makitang inaasikaso ako dito."
"Inisip mo pa yan. Asan ka na?"
"Pupunta ka nga?"
In the end, his stubbornness yielded to mine. I wouldn't have it any other way of course. His was a serious predicament and the truth is I can't rest until I can be sure that he's entirely okay.
Apathetic to my plight, the cab driver engaged me in a conversation. Normally, I would reciprocate but needless to say, I was worried sick to come up with something intelligible to say. I would just throw a nod or an uh-huh every now and then just so he'd think that I was listening. I was too polite to ignore him.
He made commentaries on today's politics,
"Kapal din ng mukha at inuna pa talaga yung pagsulong sa charter change na yan!"shared an anecdote about his kumpare who was stabbed on his shoulder blade during an inuman,
"Oo nga eh, tsk."
"Kako, kung may mangyari sa kanya eh hindi ko alam kung ano magagawa ko sa kanilang lahat. Ayun eh di nataranta din yung mga mokong na doktor!"and bragged about his fan knife that he purportedly keeps with him at all times.
"Uh-huh."
"Takot lang ng mga gago sa akin!"Now that's plain scary.
"Ah?!"
I was silent for the rest of the ride. In my head, I was actually trying to strike a deal with God. I prayed, "I'd rather be single forever, just don't let anything bad happen to him. Please?"
A statement not unlike the one quipped by the lead actress in Hating Kapatid, a movie that I wouldn't have dared to see if not for Sarah Geronimo and JC de Vera. It was an utter waste of film reels. This similarity dawned on me three days ago. While I wasn't really ecstatic over my finding, I did share it with Larra over lunch at UCC.
"I offered my love life for something better. That's why I'm bound to be by myself in this lifetime." I paused. "Come to think of it, I'll probably be single in the next few lifetimes as well."
"Over ka!" was all she could say.
"As in!"
Binx's case wasn't the first time I did it. Last year, my grandmother had a mild heart attack. While I was watching over her, I couldn't help but think of the possibilities. I love my lola so much and I don't think I can take losing her. In silence and tears, I begged that He put me in my lola's place instead, or if he won't then at least He can forfeit my love life in lieu of her well being.
Then, not too long ago, I was willing to forego certain things if that would make me a better man of the house for my mother and brother.
It may seem funny and overly dramatic but I did make such deals. I readily offer the chances of finding love because it's the one thing that I want the most. If giving it up means that I can do something for the people who matter then so be it. However, sometimes I can't help but think that it's not really mine to give. Besides, what is there to lose? Surely, I can't lose what I never had.
In desperate times, people do silly things. People bargain with God as if he's a tradesman. It escapes our mortal minds that sometimes, all we need to do is ask.
"Over ka!" was all she could say.
"As in!"
Binx's case wasn't the first time I did it. Last year, my grandmother had a mild heart attack. While I was watching over her, I couldn't help but think of the possibilities. I love my lola so much and I don't think I can take losing her. In silence and tears, I begged that He put me in my lola's place instead, or if he won't then at least He can forfeit my love life in lieu of her well being.
Then, not too long ago, I was willing to forego certain things if that would make me a better man of the house for my mother and brother.
It may seem funny and overly dramatic but I did make such deals. I readily offer the chances of finding love because it's the one thing that I want the most. If giving it up means that I can do something for the people who matter then so be it. However, sometimes I can't help but think that it's not really mine to give. Besides, what is there to lose? Surely, I can't lose what I never had.
In desperate times, people do silly things. People bargain with God as if he's a tradesman. It escapes our mortal minds that sometimes, all we need to do is ask.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
querencia, I
You said that it was nice not to be so alone but there is a world out there to discover, a good life to live, and God knows, a greater love to find.
But you are the only truth that I know. I confessed. You were my voice when mine faltered;We parted with a silent understanding; I let go, only to hold on to the notion that I'll always have You to go back to. It never made it any easier. Whoever said goodbyes don't hurt,
In my hands you laid your heart out.
I sought comfort in your arms when no one else won't give a damn.
Hush, now. You said. It'll be alright.
never tried saying goodbye to You.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
the art of ending
You and I are in a sorry state of mind. It's like we're trying to do and say too many things, all at once, at the same time without knowing how and when and where to start. We have been too absorbed with the Self that we no longer have the grasp of what's essential. The stubbornness and the solitude turned us brown, withered and worse, mediocre. The landscape on which we tread on has been restructured. To cope and adapt is paramount; involvement is necessary. However, like most, to get a fresh start, we must first decompress, then declutter and finally, die, even for just a short while.
*******
For in every parting there is death, let our return be like heaven to us both.
*******
For in every parting there is death, let our return be like heaven to us both.
Friday, July 16, 2010
dear admutwenty (5)
Your hair looks sexy pushed back.
Damn.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. I thought wala na... =)
Damn.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. I thought wala na... =)
Monday, July 12, 2010
live forever
Yesterday, I stood, basked under the summer sun;
it wasn't until moonrise, when I thought of you, that I melted.
*******
I think I have outgrown MakMak, and everything else that it stands for.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
winging it
As I didn't want to spend the entire hour and thirty pondering on how to tackle a Henry Kravis quote while sticking to the recommended format of the essay, I took a chance and came up with something more innovative (i.e. because I don't follow directions) keeping in mind that the article should have content, coherence and, more or less, a correct grasp of the language.
"You don't have to go through the entire process. Let's do away with those! It will just waste our time, and you know how significant a variable time is for us. Let's look at the numbers. It's not unlikely we'll rank third in the market. Do you want to be third? Nakakahiya yun, di ba? This is a new era so let's start it by giving our best innovations out there. Schedule an appointment with me. Give your pitch. Show me your targets. Then, I'll tell you what will be at stake," the newly-appointed CEO of a hyper-moving consumer service provider exclaimed during his first townhall. I was seated in the front row; clearly, I can't daze off so I reluctantly listened and digested his words. Besides, this is a new regime and it would be helpful to have an insight as to how our new leader thinks.Given certain constraints, it's the best that I can come up with in fifteen minutes. Everything was peachy until I realized that maybe my work was unsatisfactory, and that it didn't really answer a few of the requirements posed in the questionnaire. Haha. But, whatever. I was really worried that I won't be able to make something that would pass as half-decent. Fortunately, I did. :-)
"I'll tell you what's at stake," he went on. "If you really believe, with all your heart, that you will deliver then bet your salary on it." He grinned. The crowd remained silent. "It's a surefire way to get results, and we need results." Here is a guy who is renowned for his background in entrepreneurship. He was declared CEO not too long ago and now, he's trying to cultivate his ideals into the corporate culture. Initially, I was perturbed by his proposal but as the wheels and cogs in my head started turning, I realized that the man made a point. It's all about risks, entrepreneurship. Well-defined, solidly founded, and accurately measured risks. Entrepreneurs carefully examine the market. They try to absorb all the needed learnings and apply it onto their endeavor. They put in everything. It's short of backing up their project with their life. In fact, for entrepreneurs, the undertaking is their life. It's almost always an end-all, be-all situation.
So when the CEO restated his challenge to project proponents, I nodded in agreement. I understood where he's coming from. To be the market leader, the company needs creative thinkers who firmly believes that their projects will be a hit. Hence, they are ready to back their proposals with everything. The company needs these learned risk-takers. We need real entrepreneurs.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
the second coming
"It’s X-Force’s last stand in the future and the X-Men’s last stand in the present. Bastion has been one step ahead of the X-Men the whole time, but one X-Man’s sacrifice could turn the tide!"
MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS "X-MEN: SECOND COMING"
WRITTEN BY CRAIG KYLE and CHRISTOPHER YOST
WRITTEN BY CRAIG KYLE and CHRISTOPHER YOST
ART BY MIKE CHOI COVER BY ADI GRANOV
JULY 2010
JULY 2010
*******
Body count: 5 (Nightcrawler, Ariel, Vanisher, Sack and Cable) plus Karma's leg, Hellion's hands and Toad's finger. Not liking the whole deus ex machina power of Hope Summers. Second Coming didn't live up to my expectations. Meh.
Body count: 5 (Nightcrawler, Ariel, Vanisher, Sack and Cable) plus Karma's leg, Hellion's hands and Toad's finger. Not liking the whole deus ex machina power of Hope Summers. Second Coming didn't live up to my expectations. Meh.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
ace reject
Truth be told, I've been so empty for the longest time that I no longer know what it's like to feel the warmth of love.
With all the blessings that I am bestowed with, I should be happy and content. The sun should be shining much brighter, birds chirping more merrily and all that shit.
I am perfectly healthy. I have a high paying job, a real career, and a multitude of opportunities to further it, founded on the best education that my folks granted and taught me. The same set of people who brought me up to be the kind of man that I am right now. The kind that people look up to.
With all the blessings that I am bestowed with, I should be happy and content. The sun should be shining much brighter, birds chirping more merrily and all that shit.
I am perfectly healthy. I have a high paying job, a real career, and a multitude of opportunities to further it, founded on the best education that my folks granted and taught me. The same set of people who brought me up to be the kind of man that I am right now. The kind that people look up to.
"Ako lang naman ang dapat ayusin. So how do you resolve that?"People who genuinely care.
"There's nothing wrong with you. You are such a wonderful and good person, Mark. I find you and your values perfect enough to wish my son would grow up just like you."
"Isipin mo it could have been worse..."Those whom I know will be there in a heartbeat.
"I can't. Sorry. At this point, I'm just frustrated with everything."
"I love you Kuya Marky. I hope it's enough."
"May favoritism? Hehe."My dearest friends.
"May isa pa akong fave na kuya eh. Hulaan mo sino? Si Kuya Mak, kilala mo yun? Haha."
"Hahaha. Kahit walang katapusang kaartehan sa buhay?"
"Parte na yun! Hehehe. Iyakan na tayo?"
"You're smart and witty, then you're a nice guy pa. Ano pa hahanapin ng babae sa'yo?"I'm surrounded by them. So, there's never really a lack of love in my case. It is in the respect that I have earned, the kindness that I beget, and the patience that I have received. I should be feeling all these warmth rush through me. I should be bound in gratitude but I just don't... In my head, I am but I just. Can't. Feel. It.
"Hahahahahahahahaha. So... tayo na?"
"Kapal! Haha."
"You forgot something!"
"Ano yun?"
"Cute!"
"Kapal talaga!!! Haha."
"Bakit ang emo mo?"I'm not emo, really. I'm just melodramatic. But I deal with it - I smile. I tell you though, it's short of trying to spin the world the other way. It's wearisome, most of the time and sadly, it's one of those nights when everything fades to gray and there's nothing that I, or perhaps anyone else, can do to get all the colors back.
"Kasama ng charm ko ang pagiging emo. Hehe."
"Hahaha. Well, that's true."
I think I'm broken.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, really. Or we could just stay and let our heads rest but it still won't feel like home.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, really. Or we could just stay and let our heads rest but it still won't feel like home.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
fourth of july
It was past twilight.
From where I was sitting, I could see the night sky. It was devoid of stars and it made the moon more resplendent and noticeably bigger against the pitch black that loomed over. Its silver sheen beamed through the glass window into your dimly-lit room and onto a portion of your bed.
I like it here. There is an orderly chaos in the junk, books and magazines mostly, piled one on top of the other, in the photo collection on the wall hung and arranged in an imperfect symmetry, or in the set of freshly laundered clothes laid at the foot of your bed where I sat. Indeed, you are your room; save that the latter smelled of vanilla, and you, of soap, sunshine and something I can't quite place.
♪♪You come out at night, that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampire's roam...
The familiar tune filled the room. By reflex, I sang with Sarah McLachlan while I absent-mindedly fumbled through the booklet.
♪♪You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away. Can you...
"Hey," I paused as I sensed you enter the room. You lingered at the doorway for a second too long before reaching for the white shirt beside me.
"Tuloy mo lang," you teased. You had the smile of a fox as you slid in the tee and I felt the usual flutter in my stomach. Faced towards me, you sat at the edge of the bed and reached for your guitar. "Lapit na fave part ko."
♪♪You're so beautiful with an edge and charm...
You joined just in time;
♪♪But so careful, when you're in my arms...
putting a certain emphasis on your personal choice of pronouns.
It made me smile. You knew it would.
You sang the next verse and I felt like warm butter. Your voice is sweet music. It’s soothing like a breeze, or a weekend getaway, or morning sex. With the moon as your spotlight, you played your instrument and performed for an audience of one with such passion - it's like everything anyone would want.
♪♪Yeah I'm working, building a mystery. Holding on and holding it in. Yeah, I'm working, building a mystery and choosing so carefully...
You were still wearing your silly grin as you finished, and I think I was wearing one too.
"Galing ah!" I said while clapping my hands. "Performance level."
"Siyempre naman," you replied as you put the guitar back on its stand. "Lika nga dito," you added, motioning for me to sit beside you.
"So careful when I'm in your arms," I mumbled as I crawled towards you.
You laughed and your eyes seemingly disappear. You clasped your hands loosely between your knees and kept a steady gaze on me.
"Nagustuhan mo?" You asked.
I nodded.
You animatedly leaned your head closer and whispered, "Eh ako?"
I turned my head slightly to your side and jokingly asked, "Eh ikaw, ano?"
"Ako, may sasabihin." You said as you reached for something in your drawer.
It was a card, and before handing it to me, you spoke:
"Vous aimer est un euphémisme. Je suis très heureux et excité de vous avoir rencontré. Chute pour vous maintenant, c'est le moins du mot-à -dire mon bébé."
I didn't understand a thing but I'm pretty sure it made me flush. "That was a mouthful," was all I can come up with.
You smiled and took my hand.
"I didn't know you speak French," I said.
"It never came up."
"So what does it mean?"
You tilted your head to one side and moved much closer. Your face was warm, your breath fervid. It overwhelmed me. "It'll take away the mystery."
I sighed. My eyes were closed, but I knew you were smiling.
The dawn broke after a sleepless night.
From where I was sitting, I could see the night sky. It was devoid of stars and it made the moon more resplendent and noticeably bigger against the pitch black that loomed over. Its silver sheen beamed through the glass window into your dimly-lit room and onto a portion of your bed.
I like it here. There is an orderly chaos in the junk, books and magazines mostly, piled one on top of the other, in the photo collection on the wall hung and arranged in an imperfect symmetry, or in the set of freshly laundered clothes laid at the foot of your bed where I sat. Indeed, you are your room; save that the latter smelled of vanilla, and you, of soap, sunshine and something I can't quite place.
♪♪You come out at night, that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampire's roam...
The familiar tune filled the room. By reflex, I sang with Sarah McLachlan while I absent-mindedly fumbled through the booklet.
♪♪You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away. Can you...
"Hey," I paused as I sensed you enter the room. You lingered at the doorway for a second too long before reaching for the white shirt beside me.
"Tuloy mo lang," you teased. You had the smile of a fox as you slid in the tee and I felt the usual flutter in my stomach. Faced towards me, you sat at the edge of the bed and reached for your guitar. "Lapit na fave part ko."
♪♪You're so beautiful with an edge and charm...
You joined just in time;
♪♪But so careful, when you're in my arms...
putting a certain emphasis on your personal choice of pronouns.
It made me smile. You knew it would.
You sang the next verse and I felt like warm butter. Your voice is sweet music. It’s soothing like a breeze, or a weekend getaway, or morning sex. With the moon as your spotlight, you played your instrument and performed for an audience of one with such passion - it's like everything anyone would want.
♪♪Yeah I'm working, building a mystery. Holding on and holding it in. Yeah, I'm working, building a mystery and choosing so carefully...
You were still wearing your silly grin as you finished, and I think I was wearing one too.
"Galing ah!" I said while clapping my hands. "Performance level."
"Siyempre naman," you replied as you put the guitar back on its stand. "Lika nga dito," you added, motioning for me to sit beside you.
"So careful when I'm in your arms," I mumbled as I crawled towards you.
You laughed and your eyes seemingly disappear. You clasped your hands loosely between your knees and kept a steady gaze on me.
"Nagustuhan mo?" You asked.
I nodded.
You animatedly leaned your head closer and whispered, "Eh ako?"
I turned my head slightly to your side and jokingly asked, "Eh ikaw, ano?"
"Ako, may sasabihin." You said as you reached for something in your drawer.
It was a card, and before handing it to me, you spoke:
"Vous aimer est un euphémisme. Je suis très heureux et excité de vous avoir rencontré. Chute pour vous maintenant, c'est le moins du mot-à -dire mon bébé."
I didn't understand a thing but I'm pretty sure it made me flush. "That was a mouthful," was all I can come up with.
You smiled and took my hand.
"I didn't know you speak French," I said.
"It never came up."
"So what does it mean?"
You tilted your head to one side and moved much closer. Your face was warm, your breath fervid. It overwhelmed me. "It'll take away the mystery."
I sighed. My eyes were closed, but I knew you were smiling.
The dawn broke after a sleepless night.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
the june bride's guest
"Ang suwerte ng kaibigan mo." My mom said as she helped me with my suit. With reluctance, I went and tried on the outfit that I'll be wearing for my friend's wedding.
"Kung makapaghanda ka sa kasal niya, sobra sobra." She said as she turned her head towards the mirror. She looked at her son all suited up. My mom smiled.
I am guilty as charged. I did over prepare for my friend's wedding. The moment she officially mentioned it, I ran a list of to-dos in my head like the ensemble I will be wearing, the number of pounds I needed to lose, the timing of my haircut and peeling appointments, even down to the color of rubber I'll be using for my dental braces. I even attempted to learn how to drive so I won't have to take a cab going to the venue. That didn't work out well.
Two days before the wedding, I went to have my scheduled facial. Everything was fine until the ex-employee who did the treatment accidentally got cleansing lotion in my eye.
"Okay lang po." I said as she wiped it off with tissue before proceeding with the facial. I wouldn't know how adverse the impact of that simple incident until later that evening when I felt a stinging sensation in the affected eye. I discounted it as fatigue and went to sleep.
Sunday, it got worse. Monday morning was no better. I was so frustrated. I wanted to blame something. I wanted to punch something, I swear.
I just have to keep in mind, for the next one, I should not wear the entire ensemble before the big day. It's bad luck.
"It is considered bad luck to wear it before the wedding," I strongly stated."Dahil ikakasal na siya?" I asked her back wondering where this was headed.
"Hindi ikaw ang ikakasal." Half-a-dozen people reminded me. Whatever.
"Kung makapaghanda ka sa kasal niya, sobra sobra." She said as she turned her head towards the mirror. She looked at her son all suited up. My mom smiled.
I am guilty as charged. I did over prepare for my friend's wedding. The moment she officially mentioned it, I ran a list of to-dos in my head like the ensemble I will be wearing, the number of pounds I needed to lose, the timing of my haircut and peeling appointments, even down to the color of rubber I'll be using for my dental braces. I even attempted to learn how to drive so I won't have to take a cab going to the venue. That didn't work out well.
Two days before the wedding, I went to have my scheduled facial. Everything was fine until the ex-employee who did the treatment accidentally got cleansing lotion in my eye.
"Okay lang po." I said as she wiped it off with tissue before proceeding with the facial. I wouldn't know how adverse the impact of that simple incident until later that evening when I felt a stinging sensation in the affected eye. I discounted it as fatigue and went to sleep.
Sunday, it got worse. Monday morning was no better. I was so frustrated. I wanted to blame something. I wanted to punch something, I swear.
"Suot mo nalang yung eye glasses mo." My mom suggested.I hurried along to the gym hoping that a work out would somehow calm my nerves. I went home immediately after. It was a long slow ride. I stared at the rearview mirror and wondered if it's possible to not blink for about five to seven more minutes. Questioning, somber eyes gazed back at me. I should try. I told myself for blinking would mean tears falling.
"But I don't look good with eye glasses!" I whined. "Papanget ako sa pictures!"
"Ikaw din may kasalanan niyan eh. Masyado ka kasing naghanda," my Mom reasoned.Despite my resignation to this sad, sad circumstance, I refuse to discard the months of preparation. After all, the day is not about me. The day is about my friend and her groom and I wouldn't miss their wedding for the world.
"I just can't get a break." I said despondently. Adding this to the string of misfortunes I have had this June just made me feel more helpless and defeated.
I just have to keep in mind, for the next one, I should not wear the entire ensemble before the big day. It's bad luck.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
breaking the silence
For some reason, you were in my head this morning.
You, and a firm resolve.
Let's not be strangers anymore, you and I.
Life is too short, too unpredictable, for us to miss out on things like mind bending conversations, endless fits of laughter, long long trips to faraway places, and yes, generally, the good times.
Our proximity makes contact inevitable. Sooner or later, our worlds will collide and when that happens, don't look away. Please, don't look past my smile. I'll be silently hoping, if it isn't too much to ask, that I'll get one back.
Perhaps, it's time that we start something new.
"I'm Mak. I like long walks and I hate rude people." :p
It's been a while, dear friend.
It's the first day of July, the first day of the second half of the year. The timing couldn't be any more perfect. I have an inkling that the rest, the other aspects, will easily fall into place if I were to work things out with you first.
This is me trying to sort out my life.
You, and a firm resolve.
Let's not be strangers anymore, you and I.
Life is too short, too unpredictable, for us to miss out on things like mind bending conversations, endless fits of laughter, long long trips to faraway places, and yes, generally, the good times.
Our proximity makes contact inevitable. Sooner or later, our worlds will collide and when that happens, don't look away. Please, don't look past my smile. I'll be silently hoping, if it isn't too much to ask, that I'll get one back.
Perhaps, it's time that we start something new.
"I'm Mak. I like long walks and I hate rude people." :p
It's been a while, dear friend.
It's the first day of July, the first day of the second half of the year. The timing couldn't be any more perfect. I have an inkling that the rest, the other aspects, will easily fall into place if I were to work things out with you first.
This is me trying to sort out my life.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
luna (that which we long for) (reprise)
It's a lonely, lonely place, where we're at.
*******
Resigned. In solitude.
Friday, June 25, 2010
catch the drift
While I was rush finishing next week's deliverables last night, I received an SMS. The message read, "Mak, I miss flirting..."
With half a grin, to my dear non-single friend I replied, "I miss the feeling of being loved. :P"
With half a grin, to my dear non-single friend I replied, "I miss the feeling of being loved. :P"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
tell tales
Everyday, there are a million of stories that never get told.
I have a fair amount of that lot. While I have shared, albeit in bits and more often that not, in puzzles, stories that I find worth revealing to a willing audience, there are those that remain untold – a pile of drafts aborted halfway through, stories with stillborn metaphors, original and clever mental constructs that make no headway, and other unused silly anecdotes that are past beyond its shelf life.
In my head, these stories are beautiful and perfect. So it is rather frustrating when these works do not emerge as perceived and planned; even more so when they remain abstract – withheld from, or possibly missed out on the chance to impart it to the intended person.
Like that particular instance I ventured up north to meet a crush.
"Kinakabahan ako," I gleefully confided. My understatement of the year.
"Drop a coin in your shoe for good luck. It'll help you with your nerves as well," a colleague suggested.
I laughed at the idea but secretly, I did slip a five peso coin in each shoe. I didn't think it'd kill me, anyway.
I have a fair amount of that lot. While I have shared, albeit in bits and more often that not, in puzzles, stories that I find worth revealing to a willing audience, there are those that remain untold – a pile of drafts aborted halfway through, stories with stillborn metaphors, original and clever mental constructs that make no headway, and other unused silly anecdotes that are past beyond its shelf life.
In my head, these stories are beautiful and perfect. So it is rather frustrating when these works do not emerge as perceived and planned; even more so when they remain abstract – withheld from, or possibly missed out on the chance to impart it to the intended person.
Like that particular instance I ventured up north to meet a crush.
"Kinakabahan ako," I gleefully confided. My understatement of the year.
"Drop a coin in your shoe for good luck. It'll help you with your nerves as well," a colleague suggested.
I laughed at the idea but secretly, I did slip a five peso coin in each shoe. I didn't think it'd kill me, anyway.
But I was wrong.
Three hours more than what was set, a half-eaten brunch and a hearty conversation with my companion after, in between smiles and stares, and all I can think of is that I have a freaking coin in my shoe! It didn't kill me, but it made me so uncomfortable.
Three hours more than what was set, a half-eaten brunch and a hearty conversation with my companion after, in between smiles and stares, and all I can think of is that I have a freaking coin in my shoe! It didn't kill me, but it made me so uncomfortable.
Of course, the crush never knew of this.
On my way home, the crush sent a message and made arrangements for the next hang out. My feet pressed hard against the coins as I contained myself from shrieking. It would be one for the laughs. I remember thinking. Should this work out, I have something amusing, embarrassing, and cute to tell the crush.
I never got to laugh about it with the crush though. The infatuation fizzled, along with the notion that I needed lucky coins to have a great date.
On my way home, the crush sent a message and made arrangements for the next hang out. My feet pressed hard against the coins as I contained myself from shrieking. It would be one for the laughs. I remember thinking. Should this work out, I have something amusing, embarrassing, and cute to tell the crush.
I never got to laugh about it with the crush though. The infatuation fizzled, along with the notion that I needed lucky coins to have a great date.
Like the rest of the untold, will this be forever consigned to the bottom drawer, filed under temp works, with the hope of laying them out perhaps, half a lifetime after, or will they just dissipate into the vague recesses of the mind where all abandoned and long forgotten memories converge?
I wonder.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
godtina: 1999-2010
Singer-songwriter Linda Perry once told Christina Aguilera, "Everyone knows you can sing, but it's not convincing emotionally."This has always been the case for the young diva. Talent-wise, she's easily a nine. However, when it comes to imparting emotion through the song, she's probably a five or a four, depending on the song type. And then there's the tiny matter of her personality, which would most likely garner a score to the left of zero.
Bitchiness aside, the songstress' impact on the music industry remains undeniable. Hailed as the "voice of her generation", she has sold over 42 million albums worldwide, landed four number one singles on the Billboard Hot 100, and won numerous awards including four Grammys and a Latin Grammy award, not that Grammy awards are still relevant. At such a young age, Christina Aguilera can indeed lay claim to success.
After four years of absence, she returns with a mediocre effort that is Bionic, a concoction of Aguilera's supposed new direction in terms of musicality, which coincidentally parallels every current power pop acts' direction as well, and her trademark sound that long-time fans have come to love. It's messy, it's all over the place, and barring the fine ballads, it's gaga.
In any case, here's remembering Christina Aguilera at her best:
10. NOBODY WANTS TO BE LONELY (Sound Loaded, 2001)
What was once a sullen romantic ballad wholly sung by Ricky Martin was transformed into a full blown power duet when fellow Latin artist Aguilera stepped in to lend her voice to save an otherwise dismal second single. While the result of the pairing is by no means horrible, the intended chemistry between the two fell short - it fizzled when it should have sizzled.
09. REFLECTION (OST - Mulan, 1998)
It is every bit as Disney as we might expect - a sappy, self-empowering track sprinkled with cheese all over. Despite the over singing and total lack of emotional depth, this is the song that earned Aguilera her record deal with RCA.
08. LADY MARMALADE (OST - Moulin Rouge!, 2001)
Sexy! Sassy! But definitely over-the-top! It was fortunate that this song did not factor in as much into the movie as it was on radio. Despite that this is a four-piece ensemble, it's hard to remember Mya, Pink and Lil' Kim's contribution to the song the moment Aguilera starts her verse.
07. THE VOICE WITHIN (Stripped, 2003)
This Glen Ballard-produced song is what Aguilera should really go for in terms of output - the production is on point, her delivery is moving, and it's one of those rare instances in which her preferred vocal style (i.e. over singing) actually works.
06. GENIE IN A BOTTLE (Christina Aguilera, 1999)
Even then, Aguilera always wanted to start off her album releases with a buzz single. Genie In A Bottle was the toned down version of Stripped's Dirrty and Bionic's Not Myself Tonight. It's no wonder that this track catapulted her to success. The slick production, the restrained innuendos - it made the radio want to rub Aguilera the right way.
01. BEAUTIFUL (Stripped, 2002)
Linda Perry mentioned that the song's recording was made in one take, and that the unedited version was later used for the final mix of Beautiful. In line with the theme of Stripped, the bare production produced a stark contrast with Aguilera's impassioned voice. Beautiful is so raw that it takes away the glam and glitter off the pop star effectively making it a lot easier to realize a) how beautiful the song truly is, and b) that Aguilera is one talented, vain bitch.
What was once a sullen romantic ballad wholly sung by Ricky Martin was transformed into a full blown power duet when fellow Latin artist Aguilera stepped in to lend her voice to save an otherwise dismal second single. While the result of the pairing is by no means horrible, the intended chemistry between the two fell short - it fizzled when it should have sizzled.
09. REFLECTION (OST - Mulan, 1998)
It is every bit as Disney as we might expect - a sappy, self-empowering track sprinkled with cheese all over. Despite the over singing and total lack of emotional depth, this is the song that earned Aguilera her record deal with RCA.
08. LADY MARMALADE (OST - Moulin Rouge!, 2001)
Sexy! Sassy! But definitely over-the-top! It was fortunate that this song did not factor in as much into the movie as it was on radio. Despite that this is a four-piece ensemble, it's hard to remember Mya, Pink and Lil' Kim's contribution to the song the moment Aguilera starts her verse.
07. THE VOICE WITHIN (Stripped, 2003)
This Glen Ballard-produced song is what Aguilera should really go for in terms of output - the production is on point, her delivery is moving, and it's one of those rare instances in which her preferred vocal style (i.e. over singing) actually works.
06. GENIE IN A BOTTLE (Christina Aguilera, 1999)
Even then, Aguilera always wanted to start off her album releases with a buzz single. Genie In A Bottle was the toned down version of Stripped's Dirrty and Bionic's Not Myself Tonight. It's no wonder that this track catapulted her to success. The slick production, the restrained innuendos - it made the radio want to rub Aguilera the right way.
05. DIRRTY (Stripped, 2002)
Dirrty marked Aguilera's departure from churning out cookie cutter pop hits and wearing the seemingly clean cut facade. While the first single off Stripped, it's definitely not representative of the album's sound. Perhaps, it's even the weakest track on it. Nevertheless, raunchy, rowdy and revved-up songs are the easiest way to gain notoriety. Yes, Dirrty's greatness lies on that extra "r".
Dirrty marked Aguilera's departure from churning out cookie cutter pop hits and wearing the seemingly clean cut facade. While the first single off Stripped, it's definitely not representative of the album's sound. Perhaps, it's even the weakest track on it. Nevertheless, raunchy, rowdy and revved-up songs are the easiest way to gain notoriety. Yes, Dirrty's greatness lies on that extra "r".
04. A SONG FOR YOU (Possibilities, 2005)
This is one of Aguilera's finest recordings to date. Her voice has never sounded so pristine, and with Herbie Hancock's arrangement, it just showcased what she can really do with her pipes. Despite all of its technical accolades, Aguilera has yet to perfect that matter of imbuing the song with heart.
This is one of Aguilera's finest recordings to date. Her voice has never sounded so pristine, and with Herbie Hancock's arrangement, it just showcased what she can really do with her pipes. Despite all of its technical accolades, Aguilera has yet to perfect that matter of imbuing the song with heart.
03. PERO ME ACUERDO DE TI (Mi Reflejo, 2000)
"Then I remember you," she sings. The listeners, weep. For someone who doesn't speak Spanish, Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti easily ranks as the best track off her Latin album, and one of her most solid efforts to date.
"Then I remember you," she sings. The listeners, weep. For someone who doesn't speak Spanish, Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti easily ranks as the best track off her Latin album, and one of her most solid efforts to date.
02. FIGHTER (Stripped, 2003)
This marks the first time that Aguilera dabbled with rock and she sounds sincerely forceful and raw over the splendid guitar riffs of Ex-Chili Pepper Dave Navarro. She lets loose with her vertigo-inducing vocals towards the end. It's intensely awesome.
This marks the first time that Aguilera dabbled with rock and she sounds sincerely forceful and raw over the splendid guitar riffs of Ex-Chili Pepper Dave Navarro. She lets loose with her vertigo-inducing vocals towards the end. It's intensely awesome.
01. BEAUTIFUL (Stripped, 2002)
Linda Perry mentioned that the song's recording was made in one take, and that the unedited version was later used for the final mix of Beautiful. In line with the theme of Stripped, the bare production produced a stark contrast with Aguilera's impassioned voice. Beautiful is so raw that it takes away the glam and glitter off the pop star effectively making it a lot easier to realize a) how beautiful the song truly is, and b) that Aguilera is one talented, vain bitch.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
on speed dial
Every now and then, he'll throw heavy compliments like, "You're one of the few people I completely trust."
That's just how the Prince is. I never took him for one so it was surprising, albeit very heartwarming, the first time he mentioned it. For a guy, he is rather expressive, and I have to commend him for being just that.
Over a year ago, he was just a management trainee relegated to our team. With his boyish charm and supposed Koreanovela star look, he had everyone's attention. Well, save for mine. Yes, my spider sense doesn't tingle for the chinky-eyed ones. I belong to the minority for that matter. Anyway, one afternoon, he sought my help in constructing his e-mail reply to our boss and thus began my story with the Prince.
More than being colleagues, the Prince and I developed a certain kinship. The kind that I last had with Striker and Gracie. Quite similar, but not entirely the same. For five days a week, and even on Saturdays and Sundays at times, the Prince and I talked and had lunch and went out and waited for each other to finish so we can go home together.
We've seen each other laugh, and we've seen each other cry. Well, he has yet to see me do the latter but I have seen him shed a tear or two. Although, he did bear witness to my darkest nights.
Indeed, the amount of time spent together greatly impacts the strength of relationships people have. I believe I have forged a good one with the Prince but I never truly understood the significance of my role in his life until yesterday.
Sometimes, I tend to overlook what is near by keeping my eyes fixed on something remote. I keep on searching for things, like love, when I already have good people, friends, like the Prince who has given me something more lasting.
Ngayon, alam ko na.
Over a year ago, he was just a management trainee relegated to our team. With his boyish charm and supposed Koreanovela star look, he had everyone's attention. Well, save for mine. Yes, my spider sense doesn't tingle for the chinky-eyed ones. I belong to the minority for that matter. Anyway, one afternoon, he sought my help in constructing his e-mail reply to our boss and thus began my story with the Prince.
More than being colleagues, the Prince and I developed a certain kinship. The kind that I last had with Striker and Gracie. Quite similar, but not entirely the same. For five days a week, and even on Saturdays and Sundays at times, the Prince and I talked and had lunch and went out and waited for each other to finish so we can go home together.
We've seen each other laugh, and we've seen each other cry. Well, he has yet to see me do the latter but I have seen him shed a tear or two. Although, he did bear witness to my darkest nights.
Indeed, the amount of time spent together greatly impacts the strength of relationships people have. I believe I have forged a good one with the Prince but I never truly understood the significance of my role in his life until yesterday.
"Mak, parang sira ata yung brake ng kotse ko."I do feel a bit guilty though. If it weren't for the incident, I wouldn't have realized it at all.
There was a hint of genuine panic in his voice. Alarmed, I put down Neil Gaimans' The Graveyard Book on my bed and bolted upright. Shit. I thought.
"Asan ka? Mag-isa ka lang ba," I threw him a barrage of questions. The clock read eleven minutes before noon so I assumed that he was just on his way to Bulacan.
"Stay calm," I reminded him. "Shift mo sa neutral then slowly lift the hand brake until mag-full stop ka," I added as I recalled my trouble shooting lesson.
"Sige, itabi ko lang 'to," he said. "Kinakabahan ako, Mak."
Despite being nervous myself, I tried to reassure him that it'll be alright. "Itabi mo muna yan. I'll call after a minute."
"Sige. Salamat ha," he said as he hung up the phone.
"Shit," I muttered. I waited but the seconds felt a lot longer than the usual. I was about to call him when the Prince's name flashed on X1's screen.
"Oh, okay ka na ba? Asan ka na?" I asked right away.
"Mak, itinabi ko na. Okay naman na. Hindi pa naman ako masyadong malayo sa bahay. I texted Dad na. Nagpasundo na lang ako sa driver."
"Buti naman," I said.
"Pasensya na ha. Natakot lang talaga ako kanina."
"Wala yun. Importante okay ka. Just wait for the driver at bagalan niyo lang pagmamaneho."
"Yup. Mabagal naman ako mag-drive kanina. Sige, tawagan kita pag nasa Bulacan na ako. Salamat ulit," he said.
"Ok," I replied. Honestly, I wanted to tell him off for calling me when he should have called someone who knows a lot more about driving. In any case, he was okay now and that's what matters.
I put X1 back on the drawer and tentatively reached for my book. It took some time for everything to sink in but now that it has, it actually felt nice that I was that important to the Prince. He was on the verge of being in an accident and his initial instinct was to call me; to think that I know nothing about driving.
"Mak! I had no signal sa open sea for the last four days pero hindi ko nakalimutan. Happy Birthday! So sorry for the late greeting. Stay young and stay as caring as ever. Thanks sa lahat. Alam mo na yun."It was the Prince's message last May 11th.
Sometimes, I tend to overlook what is near by keeping my eyes fixed on something remote. I keep on searching for things, like love, when I already have good people, friends, like the Prince who has given me something more lasting.
Ngayon, alam ko na.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
lost in summer (II)
There's always gonna be another mountain.
*******
*******
Because one is just not enough. Wrong side of Capones.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
i am deeply sadden
I read something amusing a few minutes ago; and by amusing, I mean hilariously funny. By reflex, I thought of you. I reached for my phone and began to key in your number. I wanted to tell you all about it because I am certain you would find it amusing as well. I could even picture us bursting into an endless fit of suppressed giggles already. Suppressed, as you're most likely still in the office at this hour but giggles nevertheless. It would be fun just like before...
But then I remembered, so I opted to put my phone down.
Old habits, I guess.
I have to laugh this one off by myself then because it's really that funny.
It would have been more fun though if I were laughing with you.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. I am deeply sadden because saddened is just two letters too much.
But then I remembered, so I opted to put my phone down.
Old habits, I guess.
I have to laugh this one off by myself then because it's really that funny.
It would have been more fun though if I were laughing with you.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. I am deeply sadden because saddened is just two letters too much.
akap sa anawangin, ikalawang bahagi
Ilang minuto ang lumipas sa paglalakbay ay napansin namin na sobrang lakas na ng alon. Parang nakasakay lang kami sa Anchor's Away. Yung dulo ng bangka namin eh halos mag-dip na sa taas ng sumasalubong na tubig dagat. Actually, nag-panic na kami dahil sobrang tumatalsik na din yung tubig sa loob ng bangka namin. Hindi dahil sa kung ano pa man pero dahil baka mabasa yung mga camera naming nakalabas.
Maya-maya ay nagmungkahi si Manong Bangker, "Yun pong dalawang binata sa harap, palipatin natin dito sa likod para balanse tayo."
Nakatingin ako sa kanila at naghahanap ng binatang kikilos.
"Mak! Prince! Dito daw kayo sa likod," utos ng Boss.
Kung makautos naman 'tong matandang binata na ito. Mungkahi nga eh.
"Opo, Miss K," sagot ko habang gumawi kami ni Prince sa kabilang dulo.
"Grabe, ang init dito!" Naisip ko dahil nakatapat na naman ang aking kawawang balat sa araw.
"Konting pasensya lang po. Kaysa naman mapahamak tayo," sagot ni Manong Bangker.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Sorry naman. Kala ko sa isip ko lang sinabi yun.
So ayun. Hindi ko alam kung ano yung epekto ng paglipat namin kasi magalaw pa rin at kakarag-karag pa rin ang motor ng bangka namin.
Dumating sa punto na ramdam ko na yung tensyon ng iba ko pang kasama. Nakakatakot naman kasi talaga. Napa-isip na rin ako. Kung sakaling tumaob man kami ay kakapit na lang ako sa kawayan or sa kahit anong lumulutang na bagay. Tapos may life jacket naman ako. Kaya na siguro akong tangayin ng alon papunta sa pinakamalapit na isla. Bahala na rin kung may isda or pating na dumikit-dikit sa paa ko.
Pero... paano kapag may jellyfish akong nadaanan? OMGEWW.
Napatingin ako sa kawalan. Nasa gitna kami ng dagat. Napakalayo mula sa mga isla. Wala pa ring patawad ang paghampas ng alon sa aming bangka. Marahil sa hinaharap naming sitwasyon ay nagkaroon ako ng moment of clarity:
"Lord, may reason po pala talaga lahat ng nangyayari. Ngayon alam ko na. Tama lang po pala na hindi ko pa nakikilala yung The One ko.
Maya-maya ay nagmungkahi si Manong Bangker, "Yun pong dalawang binata sa harap, palipatin natin dito sa likod para balanse tayo."
Nakatingin ako sa kanila at naghahanap ng binatang kikilos.
"Mak! Prince! Dito daw kayo sa likod," utos ng Boss.
Kung makautos naman 'tong matandang binata na ito. Mungkahi nga eh.
"Opo, Miss K," sagot ko habang gumawi kami ni Prince sa kabilang dulo.
"Grabe, ang init dito!" Naisip ko dahil nakatapat na naman ang aking kawawang balat sa araw.
"Konting pasensya lang po. Kaysa naman mapahamak tayo," sagot ni Manong Bangker.
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Sorry naman. Kala ko sa isip ko lang sinabi yun.
So ayun. Hindi ko alam kung ano yung epekto ng paglipat namin kasi magalaw pa rin at kakarag-karag pa rin ang motor ng bangka namin.
Dumating sa punto na ramdam ko na yung tensyon ng iba ko pang kasama. Nakakatakot naman kasi talaga. Napa-isip na rin ako. Kung sakaling tumaob man kami ay kakapit na lang ako sa kawayan or sa kahit anong lumulutang na bagay. Tapos may life jacket naman ako. Kaya na siguro akong tangayin ng alon papunta sa pinakamalapit na isla. Bahala na rin kung may isda or pating na dumikit-dikit sa paa ko.
Pero... paano kapag may jellyfish akong nadaanan? OMGEWW.
Napatingin ako sa kawalan. Nasa gitna kami ng dagat. Napakalayo mula sa mga isla. Wala pa ring patawad ang paghampas ng alon sa aming bangka. Marahil sa hinaharap naming sitwasyon ay nagkaroon ako ng moment of clarity:
"Lord, may reason po pala talaga lahat ng nangyayari. Ngayon alam ko na. Tama lang po pala na hindi ko pa nakikilala yung The One ko.
*ehemadmutwentyehem*
Ayaw ko po naman na malungkot siya kung may mangyari sa amin ngayon. Kapag spirit na lang ako, ayaw ko pong makita na umiiyak siya at nasasaktan dahil nawala ako kaagad tapos sandali pa lang kami nagkakasama. Parang mas malulungkot ako kapag nangyari yun.
Better na lang na ganito. At least hindi na madaragdagan yung iiyak sa pagkawala ko. Hayaan niyo na lang na may ibang makilala si One ko. Basta maging masaya siya."
Napa-isip ako hanggang sa tuluyan akong nakatulog. Nakakaantok kasi yung tunog ng motor at yung pag-ugoy ng alon. Naalimpungatan na lang ako nang feeling ko malalaglag na ako sa dagat. Dumaong na pala yung bangka sa dalampasigan.
Nawala kaagad yung kaba ng lahat. Ang ganda nga ng Anawangin. Ang daming pine trees, pero parang mas marami pa atang bakasyonista. Nagkalat sila...
Napa-isip ako hanggang sa tuluyan akong nakatulog. Nakakaantok kasi yung tunog ng motor at yung pag-ugoy ng alon. Naalimpungatan na lang ako nang feeling ko malalaglag na ako sa dagat. Dumaong na pala yung bangka sa dalampasigan.
Nawala kaagad yung kaba ng lahat. Ang ganda nga ng Anawangin. Ang daming pine trees, pero parang mas marami pa atang bakasyonista. Nagkalat sila...
Napako ang tingin ko sa may tindahan sa bandang kaliwa. May cuteness na umiinom ng soft drink. Nakatitig din.
“Lord, joke lang yung kanina ha."
Parang hindi na pine tree ang gusto kong yakapin.
“Lord, joke lang yung kanina ha."
Parang hindi na pine tree ang gusto kong yakapin.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
akap sa anawangin, unang bahagi
"But it's what we came for!"
Reklamo ko habang sumasakay pabalik sa bangka ni Manong Bangker.
"Balewala ang pinunta natin dito kung wala tayong picture doon!"
Malakas kong parinig kay Manong at kay magaling na Boss. Ito kasing si Boss ang sobrang may ayaw ng pumunta doon sa kabilang parte ng Capones kung saan naroon iyong lighthouse.
"Nako! Maalon na po doon," ani ni Manong Bangker. Sobrang giveaway na tinatamad lang siya.
"Gaano kaalon," tanong ni Boss.
Ay, may degree pa pala ng lakas ng alon na nalalaman.
"Super alon, Ma'am," sagot naman nitong si Manong Bangker.
Sosyal. "Super".
"Ay, ay, ay! Huwag na tayo doon," turan ng Boss.
Kaya ayun, napag-desisyunan, niya, na huwag ng dayuhin ang primary reason kung bakit kami nandito. Instead, tumuloy na lamang kami sa Anawangin.
Ngunit minamalas talaga kami. Yung spark plug ng motor ng isa pang bangka na sinasakyan ng walo pa naming kasama ay nasira. Naka-ilang ikot na ang ginawa ng bangka namin na tawagin nating boat#1 pero hindi pa rin talaga magawan ng paraan para mapatakbo ulit yung makina ng boat#2. Kaya ang ending, binatuhan ni Manong Bangker ng lubid yung Manong Bangker ng boat#2 para hilahin na lamang namin sila. Effort, di ba?
Dinig na hirap na hirap ang motor ng boat#1 sa pag-tow sa boat#2. Nakakatakot actually pero sige at sugod pa rin kami sa karagatan patungo sa dinadayong isla ng Anawangin. Excited na silang lahat makita ang naturang lugar.
"May pine trees daw dun," sabi ni Boss. Proud na proud sa fact na nabanggit niya.
"Alam namin," bulong ko, sabay irap.
Pero sa totoo lang, excited na rin akong makita ang Anawangin, pati na rin yung mga pine trees. Naalala ko kasi yung sinabi ng aking ka-opisina na tatawagin nating Pine Tree.
Isang beses, habang kumakain kami sa pantry:
"Kapag sad or stressed ka daw, yumakap ka sa pine tree para mawala yung negative vibes sa'yo," payo ni Pine Tree.
"Meganun?!" Sabay sabay naming hirit tapos tawa.
Reklamo ko habang sumasakay pabalik sa bangka ni Manong Bangker.
"Balewala ang pinunta natin dito kung wala tayong picture doon!"
Malakas kong parinig kay Manong at kay magaling na Boss. Ito kasing si Boss ang sobrang may ayaw ng pumunta doon sa kabilang parte ng Capones kung saan naroon iyong lighthouse.
"Nako! Maalon na po doon," ani ni Manong Bangker. Sobrang giveaway na tinatamad lang siya.
"Gaano kaalon," tanong ni Boss.
Ay, may degree pa pala ng lakas ng alon na nalalaman.
"Super alon, Ma'am," sagot naman nitong si Manong Bangker.
Sosyal. "Super".
"Ay, ay, ay! Huwag na tayo doon," turan ng Boss.
Kaya ayun, napag-desisyunan, niya, na huwag ng dayuhin ang primary reason kung bakit kami nandito. Instead, tumuloy na lamang kami sa Anawangin.
Ngunit minamalas talaga kami. Yung spark plug ng motor ng isa pang bangka na sinasakyan ng walo pa naming kasama ay nasira. Naka-ilang ikot na ang ginawa ng bangka namin na tawagin nating boat#1 pero hindi pa rin talaga magawan ng paraan para mapatakbo ulit yung makina ng boat#2. Kaya ang ending, binatuhan ni Manong Bangker ng lubid yung Manong Bangker ng boat#2 para hilahin na lamang namin sila. Effort, di ba?
Dinig na hirap na hirap ang motor ng boat#1 sa pag-tow sa boat#2. Nakakatakot actually pero sige at sugod pa rin kami sa karagatan patungo sa dinadayong isla ng Anawangin. Excited na silang lahat makita ang naturang lugar.
"May pine trees daw dun," sabi ni Boss. Proud na proud sa fact na nabanggit niya.
"Alam namin," bulong ko, sabay irap.
Pero sa totoo lang, excited na rin akong makita ang Anawangin, pati na rin yung mga pine trees. Naalala ko kasi yung sinabi ng aking ka-opisina na tatawagin nating Pine Tree.
Isang beses, habang kumakain kami sa pantry:
"Kapag sad or stressed ka daw, yumakap ka sa pine tree para mawala yung negative vibes sa'yo," payo ni Pine Tree.
"Meganun?!" Sabay sabay naming hirit tapos tawa.
"Ma-absorb yun ng puno. Promise," dagdag ni Pine Tree.
"O dahil mas masasaktan ka sa tusok ng pines sa katawan mo," tanong ng isa naming kasamahan sabay tawa ulit.
Pero malay ba natin. Nandito na rin naman kami. Wala namang masama kung susubukan, di ba?
TO BE CONTINUED.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
empire state of mind
I woke up to the sound of zippers zipping and plastic bags rustling. I turned my head towards the source and with eyes partly open, resentful of the room's brightness, I saw a half-naked man facing my side of the bed fumbling through his luggage. It was the guy who roomed with me after Brad left.
He smiled as he saw me half awake, and staring. "My plane leaves in about two hours. Until when are you staying," he asked while he slipped on a shirt.
"I'm taking the afternoon bus but I'll be checking out early as well," I said as I stood up.
He nodded and said his farewell courtesies before he headed out.
Indeed, it was my last day in New York City and despite my general lack of sleep and fatigue from all the activities I have had these past couple of days, I don't intend to waste the morning in this room, on this bed, alone.
After taking a shower, I packed up my things, checked out and ventured on a short walk through the city. The walk however was anything but short. Starting off at the New York Penn Station, I covered about six avenues and a lot of intersecting streets.
There was something interesting about seeing New York City at this hour.
A young man in Chelsea looked dazed over his morning cup of coffee. "It's a bit hot today," he greeted, trying to make a conversation. I nodded before moving north.
I pushed my way through the sea of tourists in Times Square. The beeps of a truck backing up, the roar of a yellow cab's engine as it cuts through the avenue clear of commuters and rapid thuds heard from the corner as a news stand receive its stack of daily periodicals make up the city's wake up call.
Pigeon-flocked sidewalks proved to be a bit challenging to walk on as it was literally littered, with poop.
There's a fat guy coaxing passers by to buy something from his stall along 7th Avenue. I turned right to Park and passed more tourists posing for their mementos.
Along the way, there was a deli with several people lined up, including a police office. This reminded me that I have not yet eaten breakfast. As if on queue, my tummy rumbled. I would have gone on walking but according to Maslow, physiological needs trump everything else.
I sought refuge at a quaint place along the stretch of Madison Avenue. It was a branch of Dunkin' Donuts. What can I say? I got curious if their food was any different to what they serve in Manila. I took the corner table on the second floor. With my order on the side, I faced my laptop, let my mind wander and allow my fingers to key in:
I have seen what it's like out here - what it's like to be alone with eight million strangers in the Big Apple. Yes, it's tiresome and stressful. Loneliness even calls from time to time. Nevertheless, the upside outweighs all the aforementioned. It is a glorious feeling to be here in New York City, if that's even an apt way to describe the sensation. I am more confident walking along 5th Avenue than in Ayala. I am even more conversant with strangers here than in my neighborhood. It does help that people here often take me for a local. More importantly though, never in my entire existence have I been more independent.
I feel like I belong here as I am destined for greatness, and greatness, as we all know, is in New York City. The metro houses every person I ever wished to know, every idea I wanted to learn and every experience I want to take part of.
I took a bite of my food and stared out the window towards the Manhattan skyline. I've never had an American dream prior to this trip, but this changes everything. I intend to live here, soon. Perhaps, after finding that one thing that's keeping me anchored to Home.
In New York, you'll get the full breadth of life and more. Indeed, there is nothing you can't do while you're in the best city in the world. Everything's just bigger(!), better(!) and brighter(!) here, except for the doughnut. Ours taste better.
He smiled as he saw me half awake, and staring. "My plane leaves in about two hours. Until when are you staying," he asked while he slipped on a shirt.
"I'm taking the afternoon bus but I'll be checking out early as well," I said as I stood up.
He nodded and said his farewell courtesies before he headed out.
Indeed, it was my last day in New York City and despite my general lack of sleep and fatigue from all the activities I have had these past couple of days, I don't intend to waste the morning in this room, on this bed, alone.
After taking a shower, I packed up my things, checked out and ventured on a short walk through the city. The walk however was anything but short. Starting off at the New York Penn Station, I covered about six avenues and a lot of intersecting streets.
There was something interesting about seeing New York City at this hour.
A young man in Chelsea looked dazed over his morning cup of coffee. "It's a bit hot today," he greeted, trying to make a conversation. I nodded before moving north.
I pushed my way through the sea of tourists in Times Square. The beeps of a truck backing up, the roar of a yellow cab's engine as it cuts through the avenue clear of commuters and rapid thuds heard from the corner as a news stand receive its stack of daily periodicals make up the city's wake up call.
Pigeon-flocked sidewalks proved to be a bit challenging to walk on as it was literally littered, with poop.
There's a fat guy coaxing passers by to buy something from his stall along 7th Avenue. I turned right to Park and passed more tourists posing for their mementos.
Along the way, there was a deli with several people lined up, including a police office. This reminded me that I have not yet eaten breakfast. As if on queue, my tummy rumbled. I would have gone on walking but according to Maslow, physiological needs trump everything else.
I sought refuge at a quaint place along the stretch of Madison Avenue. It was a branch of Dunkin' Donuts. What can I say? I got curious if their food was any different to what they serve in Manila. I took the corner table on the second floor. With my order on the side, I faced my laptop, let my mind wander and allow my fingers to key in:
I have seen what it's like out here - what it's like to be alone with eight million strangers in the Big Apple. Yes, it's tiresome and stressful. Loneliness even calls from time to time. Nevertheless, the upside outweighs all the aforementioned. It is a glorious feeling to be here in New York City, if that's even an apt way to describe the sensation. I am more confident walking along 5th Avenue than in Ayala. I am even more conversant with strangers here than in my neighborhood. It does help that people here often take me for a local. More importantly though, never in my entire existence have I been more independent.
I feel like I belong here as I am destined for greatness, and greatness, as we all know, is in New York City. The metro houses every person I ever wished to know, every idea I wanted to learn and every experience I want to take part of.
I took a bite of my food and stared out the window towards the Manhattan skyline. I've never had an American dream prior to this trip, but this changes everything. I intend to live here, soon. Perhaps, after finding that one thing that's keeping me anchored to Home.
In New York, you'll get the full breadth of life and more. Indeed, there is nothing you can't do while you're in the best city in the world. Everything's just bigger(!), better(!) and brighter(!) here, except for the doughnut. Ours taste better.
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