to a pilgrim

S: Don’t want you to fall for me. I so don’t want to fall for you.
M: You don’t fall for an idea. You fall for something real. (July 2010)

*****

It is five in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I look out my window to see the waning crescent as it gives way to light. I remember the night before, and again, I start to cry.

You say that time was never on our side but I say time has always been on yours all along, like the choices that which you're afraid to take a chance on. It's what kills me.

You talk of not wanting to hurt and make me weep on moonless nights, or when I think of things that could have been, dreams that I have weaved, and moments when you tell me the sweetest things – when it is exactly what you have done. You told me to carry on without you when I have always thought that we are to stick together, no matter what happens; we’ll tackle each complexity one day at a time.

For the same situations, you say you'll weep in lieu of my tears. I say cry not when you can tell yourself that you really loved me for the reasons you explicitly stated. But cry because you were never brave enough to risk your forever with me. Cry because you're letting me go without a fight. Cry because you're turning your back on something magical, something great.

But I don't want you like that. I want you to be happy. I know I could make you happy. I have. You said it yourself – I changed your life, I am your miracle, and that I am the best and one pure thing that happened to you this year. So I don’t understand what's holding you back.

I will fight for you even if it means getting stabbed a million more times, since your first attempt to say goodbye was already a pierce through the heart, and the second, crushed it further. I want you to stay. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to choose me. I don't think there's anything else that could hurt me more than to see you leave and not give this a chance when I know that what we have is real and true. Our pull towards one another is too intense to ignore.

So I will hold on to the memories – your voice, your song, your smile and your words:

Xxxxx xxxx, Mark. Xx xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Xx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx (xx xxxx) xxx xxxxxxxxxx. Xxxxx xxxx.

I'll play them in my head over and over again until the day when you realize that we should not let love rest on fate's hands. It's on ours. If you ask me, I'll say yes in a heartbeat. So jump. Trust me; I will be there to catch you. I can give the same security and everything else, if you'd let me.

I don't want to remember you. I want you. Choose me. When you asked me not to leave you, I didn't. Now, I'm asking you for the same. Don't go. Please.

But waiting is the only thing that I can do at this point. I have faith that this isn't the end.

You are worth this, and more.

Mahal din kita.

*****

M: S, I want to fall for you... :c
S: Me thinks, I’ve already fallen. (August 2010)