the art of ending

You and I are in a sorry state of mind. It's like we're trying to do and say too many things, all at once, at the same time without knowing how and when and where to start. We have been too absorbed with the Self that we no longer have the grasp of what's essential. The stubbornness and the solitude turned us brown, withered and worse, mediocre. The landscape on which we tread on has been restructured. To cope and adapt is paramount; involvement is necessary. However, like most, to get a fresh start, we must first decompress, then declutter and finally, die, even for just a short while.

*******

For in every parting there is death, let our return be like heaven to us both.

dear admutwenty (5)

Your hair looks sexy pushed back.







Damn.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. I thought wala na... =)

live forever

Yesterday, I stood, basked under the summer sun;

it wasn't until moonrise, when I thought of you, that I melted.

*******

I think I have outgrown MakMak, and everything else that it stands for.

winging it

As I didn't want to spend the entire hour and thirty pondering on how to tackle a Henry Kravis quote while sticking to the recommended format of the essay, I took a chance and came up with something more innovative (i.e. because I don't follow directions) keeping in mind that the article should have content, coherence and, more or less, a correct grasp of the language.

"You don't have to go through the entire process. Let's do away with those! It will just waste our time, and you know how significant a variable time is for us. Let's look at the numbers. It's not unlikely we'll rank third in the market. Do you want to be third? Nakakahiya yun, di ba? This is a new era so let's start it by giving our best innovations out there. Schedule an appointment with me. Give your pitch. Show me your targets. Then, I'll tell you what will be at stake," the newly-appointed CEO of a hyper-moving consumer service provider exclaimed during his first townhall. I was seated in the front row; clearly, I can't daze off so I reluctantly listened and digested his words. Besides, this is a new regime and it would be helpful to have an insight as to how our new leader thinks.

"I'll tell you what's at stake," he went on. "If you really believe, with all your heart, that you will deliver then bet your salary on it." He grinned. The crowd remained silent. "It's a surefire way to get results, and we need results." Here is a guy who is renowned for his background in entrepreneurship. He was declared CEO not too long ago and now, he's trying to cultivate his ideals into the corporate culture. Initially, I was perturbed by his proposal but as the wheels and cogs in my head started turning, I realized that the man made a point. It's all about risks, entrepreneurship. Well-defined, solidly founded, and accurately measured risks. Entrepreneurs carefully examine the market. They try to absorb all the needed learnings and apply it onto their endeavor. They put in everything. It's short of backing up their project with their life. In fact, for entrepreneurs, the undertaking is their life. It's almost always an end-all, be-all situation.

So when the CEO restated his challenge to project proponents, I nodded in agreement. I understood where he's coming from. To be the market leader, the company needs creative thinkers who firmly believes that their projects will be a hit. Hence, they are ready to back their proposals with everything. The company needs these learned risk-takers. We need real entrepreneurs.

Given certain constraints, it's the best that I can come up with in fifteen minutes. Everything was peachy until I realized that maybe my work was unsatisfactory, and that it didn't really answer a few of the requirements posed in the questionnaire. Haha. But, whatever. I was really worried that I won't be able to make something that would pass as half-decent. Fortunately, I did. :-)

the second coming

"It’s X-Force’s last stand in the future and the X-Men’s last stand in the present. Bastion has been one step ahead of the X-Men the whole time, but one X-Man’s sacrifice could turn the tide!"

MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS "X-MEN: SECOND COMING"
WRITTEN BY CRAIG KYLE and CHRISTOPHER YOST

ART BY MIKE CHOI COVER BY ADI GRANOV

JULY 2010

*******

Body count: 5 (Nightcrawler, Ariel, Vanisher, Sack and Cable) plus Karma's leg, Hellion's hands and Toad's finger. Not liking the whole deus ex machina power of Hope Summers. Second Coming didn't live up to my expectations. Meh.

ace reject

Truth be told, I've been so empty for the longest time that I no longer know what it's like to feel the warmth of love.

With all the blessings that I am bestowed with, I should be happy and content. The sun should be shining much brighter, birds chirping more merrily and all that shit.

I am perfectly healthy. I have a high paying job, a real career, and a multitude of opportunities to further it, founded on the best education that my folks granted and taught me. The same set of people who brought me up to be the kind of man that I am right now. The kind that people look up to.

"Ako lang naman ang dapat ayusin. So how do you resolve that?"
"There's nothing wrong with you. You are such a wonderful and good person, Mark. I find you and your values perfect enough to wish my son would grow up just like you."

People who genuinely care.

"Isipin mo it could have been worse..."
"I can't. Sorry. At this point, I'm just frustrated with everything."
"I love you Kuya Marky. I hope it's enough."

Those whom I know will be there in a heartbeat.

"May favoritism? Hehe."
"May isa pa akong fave na kuya eh. Hulaan mo sino? Si Kuya Mak, kilala mo yun? Haha."
"Hahaha. Kahit walang katapusang kaartehan sa buhay?"
"Parte na yun! Hehehe. Iyakan na tayo?"

My dearest friends.

"You're smart and witty, then you're a nice guy pa. Ano pa hahanapin ng babae sa'yo?"
"Hahahahahahahahaha. So... tayo na?"
"Kapal! Haha."
"You forgot something!"
"Ano yun?"
"Cute!"
"Kapal talaga!!! Haha."

I'm surrounded by them. So, there's never really a lack of love in my case. It is in the respect that I have earned, the kindness that I beget, and the patience that I have received. I should be feeling all these warmth rush through me. I should be bound in gratitude but I just don't... In my head, I am but I just. Can't. Feel. It.

"Bakit ang emo mo?"
"Kasama ng charm ko ang pagiging emo. Hehe."
"Hahaha. Well, that's true."

I'm not emo, really. I'm just melodramatic. But I deal with it - I smile. I tell you though, it's short of trying to spin the world the other way. It's wearisome, most of the time and sadly, it's one of those nights when everything fades to gray and there's nothing that I, or perhaps anyone else, can do to get all the colors back.

I think I'm broken.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, really. Or we could just stay and let our heads rest but it still won't feel like home.

fourth of july

It was past twilight.

From where I was sitting, I could see the night sky. It was devoid of stars and it made the moon more resplendent and noticeably bigger against the pitch black that loomed over. Its silver sheen beamed through the glass window into your dimly-lit room and onto a portion of your bed.

I like it here. There is an orderly chaos in the junk, books and magazines mostly, piled one on top of the other, in the photo collection on the wall hung and arranged in an imperfect symmetry, or in the set of freshly laundered clothes laid at the foot of your bed where I sat. Indeed, you are your room; save that the latter smelled of vanilla, and you, of soap, sunshine and something I can't quite place.

♪♪You come out at night, that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampire's roam...

The familiar tune filled the room. By reflex, I sang with Sarah McLachlan while I absent-mindedly fumbled through the booklet.

♪♪You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away. Can you...

"Hey," I paused as I sensed you enter the room. You lingered at the doorway for a second too long before reaching for the white shirt beside me.

"Tuloy mo lang," you teased. You had the smile of a fox as you slid in the tee and I felt the usual flutter in my stomach. Faced towards me, you sat at the edge of the bed and reached for your guitar. "Lapit na fave part ko."

♪♪You're so beautiful with an edge and charm...

You joined just in time;

♪♪But so careful, when you're in my arms...

putting a certain emphasis on your personal choice of pronouns.

It made me smile. You knew it would.

You sang the next verse and I felt like warm butter. Your voice is sweet music. It’s soothing like a breeze, or a weekend getaway, or morning sex. With the moon as your spotlight, you played your instrument and performed for an audience of one with such passion - it's like everything anyone would want.

♪♪Yeah I'm working, building a mystery. Holding on and holding it in. Yeah, I'm working, building a mystery and choosing so carefully...

You were still wearing your silly grin as you finished, and I think I was wearing one too.

"Galing ah!" I said while clapping my hands. "Performance level."

"Siyempre naman," you replied as you put the guitar back on its stand. "Lika nga dito," you added, motioning for me to sit beside you.

"So careful when I'm in your arms," I mumbled as I crawled towards you.

You laughed and your eyes seemingly disappear. You clasped your hands loosely between your knees and kept a steady gaze on me.

"Nagustuhan mo?" You asked.

I nodded.

You animatedly leaned your head closer and whispered, "Eh ako?"

I turned my head slightly to your side and jokingly asked, "Eh ikaw, ano?"

"Ako, may sasabihin." You said as you reached for something in your drawer.

It was a card, and before handing it to me, you spoke:

"Vous aimer est un euphémisme. Je suis très heureux et excité de vous avoir rencontré. Chute pour vous maintenant, c'est le moins du mot-à-dire mon bébé."

I didn't understand a thing but I'm pretty sure it made me flush. "That was a mouthful," was all I can come up with.

You smiled and took my hand.

"I didn't know you speak French," I said.

"It never came up."

"So what does it mean?"

You tilted your head to one side and moved much closer. Your face was warm, your breath fervid. It overwhelmed me. "It'll take away the mystery."

I sighed. My eyes were closed, but I knew you were smiling.

The dawn broke after a sleepless night.

the june bride's guest

"Ang suwerte ng kaibigan mo." My mom said as she helped me with my suit. With reluctance, I went and tried on the outfit that I'll be wearing for my friend's wedding.

"It is considered bad luck to wear it before the wedding," I strongly stated.

"Hindi ikaw ang ikakasal." Half-a-dozen people reminded me. Whatever.

"Dahil ikakasal na siya?" I asked her back wondering where this was headed.

"Kung makapaghanda ka sa kasal niya, sobra sobra." She said as she turned her head towards the mirror. She looked at her son all suited up. My mom smiled.

I am guilty as charged. I did over prepare for my friend's wedding. The moment she officially mentioned it, I ran a list of to-dos in my head like the ensemble I will be wearing, the number of pounds I needed to lose, the timing of my haircut and peeling appointments, even down to the color of rubber I'll be using for my dental braces. I even attempted to learn how to drive so I won't have to take a cab going to the venue. That didn't work out well.

Two days before the wedding, I went to have my scheduled facial. Everything was fine until the ex-employee who did the treatment accidentally got cleansing lotion in my eye.

"Okay lang po." I said as she wiped it off with tissue before proceeding with the facial. I wouldn't know how adverse the impact of that simple incident until later that evening when I felt a stinging sensation in the affected eye. I discounted it as fatigue and went to sleep.

Sunday, it got worse. Monday morning was no better. I was so frustrated. I wanted to blame something. I wanted to punch something, I swear.

"Suot mo nalang yung eye glasses mo." My mom suggested.

"But I don't look good with eye glasses!" I whined. "Papanget ako sa pictures!"

I hurried along to the gym hoping that a work out would somehow calm my nerves. I went home immediately after. It was a long slow ride. I stared at the rearview mirror and wondered if it's possible to not blink for about five to seven more minutes. Questioning, somber eyes gazed back at me. I should try. I told myself for blinking would mean tears falling.

"Ikaw din may kasalanan niyan eh. Masyado ka kasing naghanda," my Mom reasoned.

"I just can't get a break." I said despondently. Adding this to the string of misfortunes I have had this June just made me feel more helpless and defeated.

Despite my resignation to this sad, sad circumstance, I refuse to discard the months of preparation. After all, the day is not about me. The day is about my friend and her groom and I wouldn't miss their wedding for the world.

I just have to keep in mind, for the next one, I should not wear the entire ensemble before the big day. It's bad luck.

breaking the silence

For some reason, you were in my head this morning.

You, and a firm resolve.

Let's not be strangers anymore, you and I.

Life is too short, too unpredictable, for us to miss out on things like mind bending conversations, endless fits of laughter, long long trips to faraway places, and yes, generally, the good times.

Our proximity makes contact inevitable. Sooner or later, our worlds will collide and when that happens, don't look away. Please, don't look past my smile. I'll be silently hoping, if it isn't too much to ask, that I'll get one back.

Perhaps, it's time that we start something new.

"I'm Mak. I like long walks and I hate rude people." :p

It's been a while, dear friend.

It's the first day of July, the first day of the second half of the year. The timing couldn't be any more perfect. I have an inkling that the rest, the other aspects, will easily fall into place if I were to work things out with you first.

This is me trying to sort out my life.