soul mate #9

Stars were thought to be lonely solitary beings until we came along - birthed from the tears of the primordial, once upon a half-forgotten summer. In a place most high, dust and dark matter danced around a force unseen until the soft imaginings of spoiled hearts and tattered hopes of those who bask in twilight laid out our light forms.

From a distance we flirt and deny the existence of chance before we admit what we know - we are two celestial objects bound never to burn, or subsume the other. When our paths converge, and they will, it will be a union like no other.

I have waited a lifetime for you;

I wish you could say the same for me.

in the dark

There is a certain feeling when my eyes cannot discern where lines start, or where it crosses and meets with other lines, or where it breaks or fades into itself, knowing that at one point it has to end. In the absence of light, the distinctions are blurred and everything falls into the depths of gray.

Now I understand why crickets sing at night.

in your sleep (reprise)

If you'd only let me rest beside you and watch you in your sleep, I'd picture how lovely it would be if you'd stare back and watch over me with the same intensity and longing, perhaps then, you and I won't be as lonely.

*******

Because I remember everything - all the simple things, even the ones that I wish I'd forget. I remember... I remember until I cry.

come in with the rain

"A peso for your thoughts," Stephen said in his baritone register.

It was always enticing to hear him speak that way. It never fails to command the attention of anyone. Myself, included. I turned my eyes on him. He is such a sight. His normally slicked up hair was tousled and he kept a five o'clock shadow around his face. His thin red lips curved to a grin. A pair of brown eyes and fine dark lashes hid behind frameless glasses. He has this shy, smart and sweet demeanor that I love. He was my boy next door, my dearest Stephen.

"I'm afraid my thoughts will cost you more than a peso," I jested.

He let out a chuckle, and his dimples caught my eye.

I smiled, effectively showing mine before going on, "Some people, no matter how hard you try, they just don't get you. So you end up feeling like you're feigning interest. Bad, no? It makes me think that connections are rarer than I imagined."

"I know what you mean," he said. "I don't think it's necessarily bad, it just happens. We're not wired the same way. The people who match, they're lucky to find each other. The worst kind are those that fizzle out without even making a connection. Hindi ba minsan it's better to find someone whose thoughts contradict yours? There will be clashes but at least conversations are guaranteed to be interesting."

He paused and surveyed me with something that resembles curiosity glazed in his piercing eyes. "What's bothering you, Mark?"

I took a sip of the coffee...

What’s bothering me? Where do you want me to start? How about you saying yes to someone you just met, huh? And this, it all happened what, in one night? Hours before I were to tell you how I felt. How I still feel. Fuck! It fucking hurts. We had magic. I know that you know that we do. I was supposed to be that guy – the one who sweeps you off your feet, the one who walks you home each night, the one who makes you laugh with his wit and humor, the one who makes you smile whenever thoughts of him run through your mind. You left me, and now I just fizzle out on everyone else.

and closed my eyes. It's all I could do to stop him from seeing the look of pain that shot across my face.

A sigh escaped my lips, "Nothing."

For the next couple of seconds, we sat in a crazy awkward stillness.

I checked the time. It was almost two in the morning.

"We should probably go," I said.

We packed up our things and headed out.

We were at the cafe's doorway when you said, "I missed this, you know. I missed you."

I didn't reply. Instead, I found myself staring intensely at the darkness ahead. The moon offered no repose; she refused to bear witness to us. Instead, she harkened rain.

"Ayan, umulan na. Let's share my umbrella," Stephen offered as he fumbled for it inside his bag. “Or we can just stay a little bit longer?"

Yes, let's stay!

Yes, I missed you too!

I wanted to say it all but I'd rather not wait for the sky to clear.

"Let's just go home," I said as I put my jacket's hood on to cover my head. My heart has the rain.

the irony of it all

Have you ever liked somebody so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?

Something about the words sound familiar as I write them on my journal. Slightly hesitant to claim it as mine, I looked it up and found out that it was a quote from Glee. I was channeling Rachel Berry. I've always identified myself with Lea Michele's character so I wouldn't put it past me to actually believe that I conceived that line.

While I don't possess a resounding voice like hers, Rachel and I share a lot of similarities. At the age of five, I was already learning how to read sheet music. I had a vocal coach by six but that didn't work out well. I was already playing the piano by seven. I would've learned how to dance but the art was frowned upon in our household. My folks believe that it's too gay. Right.

Anyway, more than that, Rachel and I think that we're both great. We're really driven, strong and resilient. You can't imagine the lengths we'll go to get what we want. We want to shine brighter than the others. While she has her gold star after her name, I have my unicorn because stars are so commonplace, especially for someone like me. And if it's not yet obvious at this point, we're both melodramatic.

So I was surprised when a friend sent me a message back in early August telling me:

Mark, Kurt of Glee so reminds me of you! :) Not the gender-gender ha... the clothes, loyalty to friends, passion to excel. :)

Her message made me laugh. Immediately, I tried to recollect what's Kurt like. The character's a bit on the loud and colorful side, which I'm not. While I know how to dress well, I'm not particular with the latest fashion trends. A friend's mother once told me that I'm regal and not because I sit with my legs crossed; she said that I move with such refinement and confidence. I brought her cupcakes the following day. I'm neither superficial nor arrogant. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just know that when a situation calls for it, I can hold my own. However, like Kurt, I can be the most caring and loving person you'll meet. Modesty aside, my friends are lucky to have me but only because I'm luckier and more blessed to have them around.

Real people are much harder and too complex to be boxed in to a single character. I may see myself as Rachel, or others may perceive me as Sue. For a point or two, my friend may be right that I'm like Kurt but she totally missed out mentioning that Mr. Cellophane is getting a boyfriend next season. Apparently, his name is Sam.

time beyond

Cold, piercing words.

It was all that I needed. Had you given it sooner, you could've spared me from the hurt. You didn't trust that I would understand and accept when I'm a much better person than who you think I am.

I'm not sad that it's over but for the way you let it end, that you had to burn bridges when we could have stayed as friends, or mere acquaintances even. But I'm not mad. How can I be angry when you have made me felt so appreciated and special? You saw me as a beautiful person; desirable, as you put it. Despite what others say, I believe in every word that escaped your lips, and those that you have weaved with your fingertips. I am loved.

Nevertheless, I have to let go of the memories that we built, the happiness that we've shared and the idea that we existed. Clinging onto it will only bring more pain.

I will forget you just like what you wanted.

I won't miss you, and I won't even think of you.

But I won't say goodbye for we'll always have each other. Perhaps, not as lovers but as kindred souls who share the same moon. Maybe in a distant future summer, when that gap of space between us has been closed, when life has mended what we have bruised, when we least expect it, we'll find each other once again and maybe this time, we'll have a brand new start.

But let us not hold our breaths for it.

We need to live for the choices that we made.

I will carry on without you. I was not built to break.

This is the moment when we smile before we cry.

to a pilgrim, II

I see your smile intertwined with the city lights. Maybe I'm just lonely, searching for meaning in the late of night.

I come to remember one of your earlier words. You said that you have a not-so-nice history with such dealings. Things develop into something which wasn't intended in the first place and then you... you tend to hurt them. You also said that you don't want it to happen, again. It is happening again.

Even if I want to I can't blame myself for looking past this red flag. It wasn't my intention to fall for you. I wanted you as my friend so the warning was inapplicable. Hence, it was shrugged off. Then I wanted to blame you but it's pointless for I couldn't. I won't.

It's unhealthy really, what I'm doing – summoning old ghosts but I can't stop. Not especially when I remember this:

Dun nagsimula eh. Kakatawag mo ng S! Hahaha. :P But seriously there are many many things that have drawn me to you and not to the others. I have to thresh out some of those things pa nga. :P Haha. But there's only one thing that's keeping me in my current state. That's you (pasok: long sigh). :-D

And once again, I am overwhelmed with your love. My eyes start to well up as I feel a love that is intense and gentle, kind and caring, raw and contagious, honest and sincere. The same love you must have felt when you told me in your stupor:

Xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxx X'xx xx xxxxxx. Pls forgeyt me

Conflicting statements as they are, it moved me in a positive light. You still love me. So why are you holding back? Help me understand – how can you devote your entire love to someone else when a part of your heart will forever yearn for me?

It has been said that the sorrow of regret are to those who fail to voice out what's inside. I say it's infinitely sorrowful when two hearts have found the love that others envy, and yet it remains unconsummated. Star-crossed lovers, as you coined it. Like you and I.

But let's not live a life that is afflicted by what ifs and maybes. We will find ways to forget, but our echoes will always be there. It will be loudest when we're most vulnerable.

So at the risk of losing myself, and at the behest of everyone else, let me lay out everything on the line:

I will be in the church that you know I frequent, every morning from tomorrow until Friday at six thirty to an hour after, praying, waiting for you, wondering

if we can make things right,

say our proper goodbyes,

or break our hearts

for the last time.

If you really care. Be brave.

*****

When I first met you I knew I would love you for the rest of my life...
- The Pilgrim, Star-crossed

to a pilgrim

S: Don’t want you to fall for me. I so don’t want to fall for you.
M: You don’t fall for an idea. You fall for something real. (July 2010)

*****

It is five in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I look out my window to see the waning crescent as it gives way to light. I remember the night before, and again, I start to cry.

You say that time was never on our side but I say time has always been on yours all along, like the choices that which you're afraid to take a chance on. It's what kills me.

You talk of not wanting to hurt and make me weep on moonless nights, or when I think of things that could have been, dreams that I have weaved, and moments when you tell me the sweetest things – when it is exactly what you have done. You told me to carry on without you when I have always thought that we are to stick together, no matter what happens; we’ll tackle each complexity one day at a time.

For the same situations, you say you'll weep in lieu of my tears. I say cry not when you can tell yourself that you really loved me for the reasons you explicitly stated. But cry because you were never brave enough to risk your forever with me. Cry because you're letting me go without a fight. Cry because you're turning your back on something magical, something great.

But I don't want you like that. I want you to be happy. I know I could make you happy. I have. You said it yourself – I changed your life, I am your miracle, and that I am the best and one pure thing that happened to you this year. So I don’t understand what's holding you back.

I will fight for you even if it means getting stabbed a million more times, since your first attempt to say goodbye was already a pierce through the heart, and the second, crushed it further. I want you to stay. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to choose me. I don't think there's anything else that could hurt me more than to see you leave and not give this a chance when I know that what we have is real and true. Our pull towards one another is too intense to ignore.

So I will hold on to the memories – your voice, your song, your smile and your words:

Xxxxx xxxx, Mark. Xx xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Xx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx (xx xxxx) xxx xxxxxxxxxx. Xxxxx xxxx.

I'll play them in my head over and over again until the day when you realize that we should not let love rest on fate's hands. It's on ours. If you ask me, I'll say yes in a heartbeat. So jump. Trust me; I will be there to catch you. I can give the same security and everything else, if you'd let me.

I don't want to remember you. I want you. Choose me. When you asked me not to leave you, I didn't. Now, I'm asking you for the same. Don't go. Please.

But waiting is the only thing that I can do at this point. I have faith that this isn't the end.

You are worth this, and more.

Mahal din kita.

*****

M: S, I want to fall for you... :c
S: Me thinks, I’ve already fallen. (August 2010)

august rush

It's 5 AM and I still can't sleep, still high from the marathon conversation we have had. All my thoughts were of you, and how our seventeen-year-old selves, for half-a-day, shared thoughts on what it's like to exist before us, laughed at the silliest jokes, sang of the pale moonlight as we looked up at the same night sky, sighed over what ifs and might be's, took comfort in each other's breathing, and cried over tomorrow's uncertainty.

We are not guaranteed of an ever after. I am not guaranteed of anything. These, I know. But these I am sure of - you, this, everything is worth it. For I say we hurt because we love, and we love because we can.

The world won't stop spinning for us, and while we remain, while we still have time let us be in love, let us hurt and be confused and be scared, together. Let's claim this story as ours.

And if at some point in the future, near or otherwise, I find myself still awake, lonesome, at five in the morning with tears half-dried, do not fret. I have no regrets. I'll hold on to what we have until another dawn breaks for you, and I.

*******

You’re everything I dreamed about, and everything I talked about. I am this close to calling you my one great love if not for the fear that sometimes, the greatest loves are the ones that do not last.