lessons learned

I feel for you - when you love someone like that it's just so hard to let it go.

Like what he said, you're not the only one who went through this pain. Many people have loved and lost and in time, picked up their broken pieces and found love again.

I had this notion that one should actually have to hate the other person to really get over but I think it will just prolong one's pain. Nothing sweet and satisfying ever comes out of bitterness.

On the contrary, be positive. Smile. Take time to find the things you enjoy doing prior to meeting him. Be with your family and friends. These things will help you realize your worth.

Besides, everything ends up alright. If it doesn't end up alright, then it's not yet the end.
- Chase

*******

I find it ironic that I can give sensible advices to other people (solicited or otherwise) when in fact, I find it hard to follow them myself. But I guess that's the usual scenario.

What bothers me is that I feel like a hypocrite when I give out my words to those who seek my counsel. And it eats me up that they readily accept my suggestions and advices as if I always live up to it.

It's like I'm giving them tips that I can't guarantee to work because apparently, I don't follow them myself.

However, at the end of the day what's important is that I managed to help someone. And what I said really came from my mind and heart.

*******

Regardless of how many times I have been put down by words such as "wag ka ngang tanga" (up to the more derogatory statements like "gagu" or "fuck you ka talaga"), it appears as if I just let them bounce off me. But in reality, they don't. I do take those words by heart but for an unexplainable reason (possibly my being headstrong?) it takes quite some time for them to actually sink in.

But they do. Eventually. Learning is a process and life is all about learning. As a friend put it, I'm all about following procedures. He said that one doesn't always have to go through all the steps provided, and given the chance just skip to the final one. I have to partially agree as there are circumstances that would call for that kind of action.

Call me a conventionalist because I would rather take the whole flight of stairs to reach the top. It might take long and I could wear myself out along the way but I wouldn't trade it over enclosing myself in an elevator and risk missing an opportunity that might be in between where I am and where I'm headed to.

*******

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes, and everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night. Every change life has thrown me - I'm thankful for every break in my heart. I'm grateful for every scar. Some pages turned. Some bridges burned. But there were lessons learned.
- Carrie Underwood, Lessons Learned

new blood

BLEEDING LOVE
Leona Lewis
Spirit

Rating: B+

It is my knee-jerk reaction to hate anyone who tries to pull a Mariah. So just imagine how much I despised Simon Cowell's comment that Leona Lewis will be up there with the likes of Mariah. Bah! I have heard her winning piece, a cover of Kelly Clarkson's A Moment Like This and it was nowhere near as good as the original.

I was really annoyed at her until I heard Bleeding Love - a song written by Ryan Tedder (of OneRepublic) and Jesse McCartney (yes! Jesse of the Beautiful Soul fame). The simplicity of the background (a marching drum beat and organ chords for that obligatory soul sound) was the perfect avenue to highlight Lewis' vocal range, control and power, and of course, the melisma.

The girl's definitely got talent but Bleeding Love, however fresh it may sound compared to the singles released lately, is still sort of bland. I have listened to her album and she has songs which are far more interesting than this release. It might have been the biggest selling single of 2007 in the United Kingdom but I doubt if it is enough to rank her among the queens.

*******

Closed off from love I didn’t need the pain. Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain. Time starts to pass before you know it you’re frozen.

homecoming

STRONGER WOMAN
Jewel
Perfectly Clear

Rating: A

There's one thing you might not know about Jewel - after finishing her contract with Warner, she left the Pop world to pursue Country. Now that it has been cleared, let me say that her debut Country single, Stronger Woman, is not that big a departure from the mainstream radio, lyrically and vocally.

In an interview, she mentioned that the inspiration behind the song was a statement she heard on the radio - men have only two emotions - hungry or horny. And from this, she let her ever-impressive storytelling ability weave an empowering folk-sounding anthem for all them ladies who's always been with one of those guys (you know the type). And to make it country-friendly, some banjoes and steel guitars were predictably added.

What mainstream radio ignored is definitely Country's gain. Although her crossover from Pop isn't analogous to her retiring, it still saddens me that a true talent like Jewel is easily toppled over by commercial, manufactured music nowadays.

*******

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls who's always been with one of those guys, you know the type - like right now he sleeps while I write.

But it's better than crying, warn out from trying from loving a man who always makes it clear I am not welcome here. Just till he's hungry or frisky or needs something clean. You know what I mean.

with 421 hits on youtube

TOUCH MY BODY
Mariah Carey
E=MC²

Rating: A

Frankly, I was underwhelmed when I first heard Touch My Body, the debut single off Mariah's new album (tentatively due on April 15), E=MC². But then again, I've been so used to her releasing power pop tunes as carrier singles (save for Vision Of Love, and the Through The Rain) that I wasn't expecting a generic-sounding, r&b track from her. I am trying to refrain from shouting, "anyone could've recorded this track". But then again, I realize that nobody could've pulled off this track better than MC. Nobody in the industry is believable (or feminine) enough to be heard singing lines (cleverly penned to be sexy without sounding slutty) such as "if there's a camera up in here, then I best not catch this flick on YouTube", all the while pleading for her body to be touched, played and wrestled. It's the Mimi paradox.

Her vocal range was discarded in favor of highly synthesized harmonics (layers and layers of the voice; and did you notice the oh's in the chorus? Gives me that tingly feeling.) and uber-catchy, "finger snapping" beat. However, it still came out fascinating. Far from the magnitude of We Belong Together's awesomeness but it can stand on its own.

And after a few listens, I further realized the magic of Touch - it may not have that knockout first impression of other Mariah tracks but it's so radio-friendly that you wouldn't mind listening to it every after five minutes. No wonder radio stations all over have included it on their A list faster than they can figure out if E=MC².

*******

Touch my body, let me wrap my thighs all around your waist, just a little taste. Touch my body, know you like my curves. Come on and give me what I deserve.

quest for love 08

It’s the quest for love that brings us life and this dream of what could be, that makes it all worthwhile
- Jewel, Quest For Love

It’s the first time ever that I'm actually bothered that Valentine's day is just a few sleeps away. Creepy.
- Quest For Love, February 2, 2007

*******

I was skimming through my old blog looking for entries worth cannibalizing when I reached last year's pre-Valentine post.

The issue back then was the lack of drama in my life. I could recall how I've been so indifferent for so many years and what I would give to feel anything.

There's never a better time to think about these things as my being single was even more highlighted by the celebration of Valentine's Day (February's significant catalyst for economic activity).

It was also around that time when I thought of this question: "With all these people running around the metro, is it that difficult to bump into THAT special someone destined for you?"

But here I am, still asking the same question a year after. And frankly, I think I've lost interest in knowing if an answer exists.

I got more than what I have bargained for these past twelve months. Nevertheless, I'm glad for the entire experience. I wouldn't have it any other way. That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

So what if my February 08 sucks? It won't stop me from hoping for that perfect Valentine.

*******

I’ll be strong, I’ll be brave. From your world and back again we will go until the end.
- Jewel, Quest For Love

heat

I stood, motionless and indifferent
To your splendor
As you beckoned me to join
And divulge my soul
Into your shifting rays.

Not wanting to move,
My eyes betrayed me
As it reflected my longing
To taste your warmth.

As if in answer,
Your body burned with such
Ardent glow; and I
Can do nothing but sweep
The endless distance between us.

My skin flushed with searing heat
As you bathed me with your fiery blaze.
I could not recall how you enticed me
With your fervid and flamed rays,
For your blistering passion
Had me bound in your surreal world.

As dusk arrived,
You left my body, burnt;
And spirit, arid.

But I shall forget and heal my scorches
From this previous falling
Realizing that you are
But a phantasm
Of my sun-struck mind.

You will no longer be remembered.

phrases

If one runs out of things to blog about, resort to memes! Lol. Got this from one of my old accounts, thought I'd give it another shot.

01. The last time I had fun…
was last Saturday when I decided to pamper myself. After being miserable for quite some time, I treated myself to a facial, haircut, and foot spa. And I bought myself a new shirt, jacket and a bag. I've never felt better about myself.

02. I am listening to…
Stranger by Hilary Duff right now. I was watching the first season of Gossip Girl earlier and it was the song being played on the main menu. Last song syndrome. Not to mention that it is actually a good song.

03. I talk…
a lot, just to keep the momentum going. Plus, I personally hate feeling alienated and left out so I make sure that nobody else would feel that way especially when I'm with them.

04. I love…
trivial things like simple conversations, long walks, ice cream, french fries, [free] music, laughing. I'd love it better if I have someone to share or do those things with. ^^

05. My first dance…
was totally forgettable. It was during my Graduation ball. Dancing's not really my thing.

06. Love is…
all about compromises. There is no such thing as an "ever after" as much as I would want to believe it. Unless someone can prove me wrong. ^^

07. My work…
sucks out loud! Yeah! I hate feeling like a Domestic Helper for those people in Hong Kong. Damn them all! Ahaha.

08. Somewhere, someone is thinking…
which Pokemon he should level up next. Or when he'll be able to buy his Creative Zen. Or if she'll ever find that one person meant for her. Or whether he'll be having chicken or pasta for dinner. Or if she will be able to eat at all tonight.

09. I’ll always…
find my refuge in my music and my family and friends. Those two are the only constants in my life. And I will never, ever trade them for anything else in this world. Never again.

10. I have a secret crush…
on someone you don't know. That's why it's called a secret, d'oh! Lol. Actually, one's an old text mate whom I barely talk to anymore, and an officemate.

11. I cried because…
I feel bad about myself. And I feel worse because I can't seem to make things right no matter what I do.

12. My cell phone is…
pretty much idle right now. It's been spared from being overused these past few weeks. Good thing = lower bill. Bad thing = nobody cares for me anymore. Lol.

13. I woke up at…
around noon today. I wasn't able to sleep properly last night. It was only by seven when I doze off.

14. Before I go to bed…
I reflect about the day's events and of course, pray.

15. Right now I am thinking…
If I can get through this week. And the next. That, and if I should go to Trinoma right now and go back for that pretty thing. Unfortunately, it hasn't sent me an e-mail yet. ^^

16. Babies are…
so annoying. They are cute at times. Until they move. And cry. But I love them.

17. I log on to Friendster…
to check if anyone has viewed my profile. Or if I have any new comments or testimonials to approve. I actually hate Friendster, or rather, what it has become.

18. Today…
feels like the longest day I've had.

19. Tonight I will…
sleep like there's no tomorrow.

20. Tomorrow…
is Tuesday and it's back to work for me. Can't believe that it's almost March. And it's the freaking month end. Again.

sharp, pointy thingies required

*******

Messiah CompleX lived up to its promise. It was the best X-Crossover in the history of the Marvel Universe. However, it seems the dream indeed died alongside Xavier.

There's pretty much nothing to look forward to post-Messiah CompleX. All the titles seems to have lost their luster. Save for X-Men: Legacy which I have yet to read. And the New X-Men, which sadly, got cancelled.

Uncanny X-Men got even more boring with its attempt to mimic Claremont's early run. The same goes with X-Factor which weirdly, became uninteresting, after Layla's demise. I guess it was her stuff that got that title going.

If there's one good thing that came out of the crossover, I have to say that it's gotta be the re-launch of X-Force.

Assembled by Cyclops (after a careful deliberation as to which mutant/s possess the requirement) to act as the black ops X-team, they are tasked to step beyond the lines that the X-Men swore never to cross.

With Wolverine leading X-23, Warpath and Wolfsbane to hunt down the people on their hitlist, you just know it's gonna be one hell of a blood bath.

afterthoughts: suicides

021608. 8'ish. Somewhere in Trinoma.

Gracie: "Tell you something. Tomorrow morning, the first thing that you'll do is to recite this mantra. Repeat after me, I..."

MakMak: ...

Gracie: "... deserve..."

MakMak: ...

Gracie: "... better."

MakMak: I do? ;(

*******

To make yourself something less than you can be - that too is a form of suicide.
- Benjamin Lichtenberg

obviously doctor, you've never been a 13-year old girl

Got this from Jhenny.

1. Grab your nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 different people

*******

At home, each boy had pictured the Lisbon girls amid the stock scenery of our impoverished imaginations - cavorting in the surf or playfully fleeing at the ice-skating rink, dangling ski-hat pom-poms like ripe fruit before our faces. In the car, however, beside the actual living girls, the boys realized the paltriness of these images. Inverse properties were also discarded: notions of the girls as damaged or demented.
- The Virgin Suicides | Jeffrey Eugenides

I bought this book two Christmases ago using the Powerbooks gift certificates I got from my department's exchange gift.

It's fascinating to read through the book and discover how dark and real suicide is.

The story intertwines humor and tragedy and is narrated through the eyes of the neighborhood boys who are obsessed with the Lisbon sisters. The author manages to create a vivid portrait of the events in the suburbia, fluid as a beautiful poetry, albeit a bit morbid at certain chapters.

I never fully understood the reason behind the suicides but nevertheless, it didn't disappoint me that this matter was left unresolved as I finished the book. I believe that it was all part of the story, to leave the readers questioning.

One thing that I learned (or confirmed) after reading The Virgin Suicides - girls, and people in general, are more attracted to brawns than to brains. A sad fact of life. But we learn to deal with it.

say my name

I have this friend who frequently starts his string of text messages with a "psst...". Apparently, he thinks that he'll get my attention that way. Dead wrong.

Aside from it being the proper way to address someone, calling someone by his name (nickname or otherwise) signifies respect and familiarity. There's that certain degree of closeness and comfort that one can associate with the people who call them by their name. Like in the case of nicknames which are usually used by people who have a great deal of affection or have a close emotional bond with the callee.

I have a name. Learn it, use it and make me feel special.

*******

And while I'm on the subject of names, found this quiz on blogthings. I know that it's just randomly generated but most descriptions are true.

WHAT MAKMAK MEANS?

- You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

- You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

- You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

- You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

- You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

- You have the classic "Type A" personality.

- You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

- You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

- People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

the siren's song (reprise)

Here I am in the lighthouse,
Carried by pain
To a place where all lost memories,
Abandoned and forgotten,
Converge.

Such a mystery,
How this decrepit structure
Calls for our musings and
Brings back
The remnants of our trysts
From its dark private corners.

I picked a path towards the rail
Where the starlight witnessed
How I lost myself
In your countless ballads.

And as I tried to succumb
To the traces of your scent,
I could only sigh and feel
The soft kiss
Of the midnight sea breeze.

I realized that you are just a vivid past
Emblazoned in my mind,
A distant star, too far even for a wish.

And all things are but faint echoes
Of the melancholic waves
Crashing down the lighthouse,
Where I lost myself -
Where we lost ourselves.

They,
Unlike us,
Shall go on.

For I can't live in the memory of your song.

karimlan

Binagtas ng aking paningin
Ang kadiliman ng gabi,

At binasag ng alulong
Ng asong kalye ang katahimikan;
Ngunit sa ganitong pagkakataon
Ay mas nabibingi ako sa mga boses
Na gumagambala sa aking isipan.

Patuloy ang pagkaluskos ng mga dahon
Sa tuwing iihip ang hanging habagat,
Habang ako'y nanatili sa sulok ng dampa
At naaalala ka, nag-iisip
Kung ikaw ba ay natutulog ng mahimbing
Sa ilalim ng mga bituin ngayong gabi.

Dahil akoy ay andito pa -
Piit sa aninong pinag-iwanan mo.

walk away (remember me)

Hey... I know you'll receive this and you'll have to read this sooner or later.

It's really bugging me that I can't text you. It's really sad. But you know what's sadder? The fact that you don't text me at all - that's super sad. I know it's not your obligation to but I just got so used to you being around and all. We've practically been together for eight months now. And much as you would want to not like it, you're family to me.

It is really unfortunate that I was MIA on Valentine's Day. You might think that I'm lying but no. Not entirely anyway. I did want to ignore you just to make you miss me. Obviously it backfired and when I tried to call you my line got cut off. Yeah, I'm that lucky. But I did send you those gifts. Those were my closure. Sort of. I thought I could just cut you off like that. I was wrong. I'm always fucking wrong.

Anyway, I'll text you as soon as I get this line working again. Maybe by then, you'll text me again. And by then, you'll probably have some stuff figured out.

I know how uncomfortable it is for you to talk about serious matters so I won't push it. I just hope that the time will come when you'll be ready to talk about it.

As I've told you before, as much as I want your "YES", your "NO" would be just as fine. Believe me, it will be easier on my part to accept things if I know where I stand. If you want me to stop, all you have to do is tell me to. And I'll try to stay away. But you can't, can you? Because deep inside you don't want me out of your life. It might sound pompous. It might be the bitterness talking. But I can feel it. I'm not deluding myself with these observations. I'm not that thick.

The way you smiled when you saw me waiting for you outside your office building this afternoon. It was the same smile you flashed when we were watching the fireworks display at MOA. It was the same smile that I saw when I came unannounced at your office and gave you a pack of Chocettes (thinking that you were mad at me and the chocolates as my peace offering).

God. I would love to see you do that again. And again.

Sadly, I know that we're already drifting apart. And your indifference is really, literally, killing me. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm forcing myself to render over time just so I can wear myself out. There are times that I don't want to get out of bed (or wake up at all). I really am a mess.

It feels like we've been robbed early of sweetness and magic. Honestly, I feel like you're annoyed when you're talking to me and when you're with me. That's the reason why I tried to stay away from you these past few weeks. Sobrang naaawa ako sa sarili ko. I feel that I will never, ever be good enough for you no matter what I do. :(

I also know that I cannot force us to be the way we were - sending SMS every minute, hatid at sundo sa office and school, Saturday movie dates, lunch outs, Timezone. Happy days. You were right, madali lang yun - that is if both parties are willing to work on it. In this case however, it's not.

I know that you're not yet ready. I know you have a lot going on. But if you really wanted to, you can squeeze an us in your busy life.

Take care of yourself.

And I hope you'll still be there when I get my line working again.

Much as I hate to admit it I have to - I'm like this because I need you more than you need me.

For now - just remember us at our best. ;(


MakMak

*******

My Valentine's card read that way - remember us at our best. just that. and of course the obligatory greeting for the heart's day.

The mosaic was composed of memorabilia collected throughout the time Daine and I spent together - the Palawan trip, our stuff toys from Dad's, Intramuros photo shoot, Timezone days. Happy, happy days.

And I baked him cookies. Shaped like teddy bears. Oatmeal choco-chip cookies. It was his favorite. And I baked lots of them. And I included eight mini bags worth of Chocettes just for the nostalgia.

Then there's the bouquet of roses. I went to Dangwa just so I could get him the finest flowers (in the most affordable price of course). I know that he doesn't want flowers. Or balloons. But I told him that I couldn't care less if he wants to throw them or burn them or cut them into pieces. I know that he'll love them. And he did. Liar. If you didn't have a class I'm pretty sure you would have brought that home.

I thought I'd be leaving with a bang. I thought I could be over him. I thought he'd be the one to miss me. I thought he'd change.

I thought wrong.

*******

See, hearts don't think. They just act and feel. That's why they get burned often.

3t

Ten Top Trivia Tips about MakMak!

1. MakMak can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that's really fast!
2. California is the biggest exporter of MakMak in the world.
3. MakMak is worth his weight in gold - literally.
4. There are 336 dimples on MakMak.
5. It can take MakMak several days to move just through one tree.
6. Neil Armstrong first stepped on MakMak with his left foot!
7. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr MakMak Head.
8. MakMak has three eyelids.
9. You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of MakMak to reach the earth's core.
10. Scientists have discovered that MakMak can smell the presence of autism in children!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

*******

Got this from DN.

it's that chick they like

I swore that I would never make entries of this nature but what the heck. I used to be a huge fan of Mariah Carey. Don't get me wrong, I still am although not in the same intensity as it used to be.

I know that this will really sound cliche but I don't care. Mariah's music has always been my refuge. No, I'm not specifically talking about "Hero". Or "Can't Take That Away". Thank you very much.

You know those instances in which you wished that there was some background music being played which is appropriate with the scene you are in? No?

Anyway, the point is, I've used songs from her entire catalog to act as that background music at various points in my life. Just recently, "Don't Forget About Us" was the song I've empathized with (among others) during my silent farewell. And the track I've put on repeat while I was on the bus heading to Paranaque that one December night, "We Belong Together". "Through The Rain" was my mantra four years ago. And right now, "Breakdown" is included in my "When It Was Me" playlist (the one that I play when I'm heading for home. Don't ask for the rest of the songs in there).

Oh, and whenever I'm going down a staircase, the opening notes of "It's Like That" is hummed in my head. ^^ God, this is so gay.

So let's not dwell on all these Mariahisms, alright?

After the successful return of The Voice in The Emancipation Of Mimi, Mariah will release a new album on April 1, surprisingly titled, "That Chick". And yes, only Mariah can pull that off. Remember Butterfly? Rainbow? Charmbracelet?



So far, all the reviews based on the pre-release listening parties have been good. But honestly, I'm a bit scared of how the world will embrace her risque move. I'm not doubting her talent or her capability to deliver. But nowadays, it doesn't matter if you're music is bloody fantastic. One wrong move and everything will just spiral down. I would really hate another Glitter reception.

But it's a good thing that MiiMoo's on Perez Hilton's good side.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. Five more hours till the new Mariah. Touch My Body. 5 AM.

*******

POSTCRIPT, POSTCRIPT. Apparently, the new album will now be titled as "E=MC²" (that's square y'all!). Talk about a 180, from girly to geeky. I've heard "Touch My Body" and my review will be up later'ish.

But looks like Perez Hilton ain't too happy with it. But who the hell cares about what he thinks!

m

I mentioned in my previous entry that I want to make my own record and sing it in front of a small crowd. All these even if I don't have any talent in singing. Or performing.

Regardless, libre ang mangarap.

I came up with a few hundred songs that I want to cover but only twenty or so made it to the final track listing. Come on, a regular CD would only contain fourteen songs at most. I have like six bonus tracks already.

For this effort, it would be great to have these love songs re-arranged to my liking (see, cover songs are only as good as its "new" arrangement). Then, I'll be requesting several artists to be featured on my album. It's a marketing thing.

Hmm... Now to choose my first single, to be released on V-Day. ^^

before i kick the bucket

Inspired by Jela's Bucket List, I wrote down some of the things that I want to accomplish before I die. I came up with a lot, so instead of listing them all I just chose the ten that I would really want to do.

01. D'oh!
Home alone. Lights off. Me at the couch. Snacks and soda on the coffee table. Watching a marathon of The Simpsons. Life's great!

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. [Lie detector blows up.]
- The Simpsons

02. The Blue Collar
Be a busboy at semi-posh restaurants/bars (where all the cool kids hang out). Or a receptionist for a huge company. Or an executive assistant to a bank's president. Or a hotel bell boy. Or a bookstore assistant.

03. Roadtrippin'
Batanes. Sagada. Bagio. Ilocos. Albay. Coron. Bohol. Davao. Singapore. India. Thailand. Japan. Australia. Oceania. USA. South America. Bermuda. Ireland. United Kingdom. France. Spain. Italy. Greece. Romania. Germany. Denmark. Norway. Russia.

04. XOXO
Be one of the socialite young adults living on New York's Upper East Side whose lives are so interesting (Sex! Drugs! Money!) that a blog has been put up by the all-knowing Gossip Girl to monitor their latest whatnots. That or just meet Chace Crawford, and you know.

05. That Chick
Front row tickets and a VIP ID to a Mariah Carey concert. Even if she's like already 50 by then.

06. Dance Like There's No Tomorrow
As far as I can remember, I have only danced twice in my life so far. And those are for academic reasons.

07. Meet The Slayer
Travel around and help investigate paranormal stuff. Kick demon tush. Feel free to throw in a vampire with a soul anytime now.

08. One More Day
Be able to visit all my friends, one by one, and spend an entire day with them.

09. Pulling A Mandy
Work with my preferred producers, singers and songwriters and record not-so-mainstream songs (cover or otherwise). And then have a mini-tour, comprising mostly of small venues and crowd. It's more intimate that way.

10. Jmpr
Last night I had a dream that I was in Baguio with my friends and we went to this cliff to take pictures. I walked towards the edge, called out to them and I jumped towards the rocky waters. It was so thrilling. I want to try that. I want to feel alive.

i'll try

Dear friend,

I dropped by your blog yesterday hoping to find an update. Suprisingly, I found more than what I was looking for. It might be the assumptionista in me but as soon as I read the title of your latest entry, I knew that it was a post dedicated to me. Right? :P

For the sake of this post, let’s just say that it was indeed directed at me.

First off, I’m not surprised that you found my blog. True that I did not directly inform you of its existence. Again. I held it from you not because I wanted to keep it a secret but it’s because I’m slightly nahihiya to ask you to make changes in your blog links for the nth time. Besides, I knew that sooner or later you’d stumble on my blog. It's not that hard to find right. I mean, I did leave a message in your chatbox. Wink wink. Otherwise, there's always the ever-reliable StatMeter to provide you with your uhm, blog stats. Hi hi.

On to the topic, "Let It Go" was a wake up call. It was the shove that my head and heart has been waiting for. Honestly though, I'm still a bit hesitant to open my eyes (and my common sense, obviously), but your words gave me strength. It also cleared my mind so I could have a better grasp of what I should have done a long time ago.

I hope that you'll believe me when I tell you that I am trying. It's just so damn hard and frustrating and sad and everything that is the opposite of feeling good. Remember when we had a talk about heartbreaks and how one could literally feel that his heart is being ripped. Or crushed. Or trampled upon. And sometimes, one would feel that his chest would tighten as if the air is being sucked out of the room. He'll be restless. He will lose sleep. Get thin. Or fat, depending on how he copes. He is falling endlessly with nobody to catch him. The world just stops spinning. Time halts prolonging his suffering.

I said that it was all in the mind. Hearts can't literally break. We feel pain because we think we're hurting.

I lied. I couldn't agree with you more.

Right now, I'm feeling all those things and perhaps more.

The fact that I don't have a lot of people to go to makes it worse. But through your post I realized that you are one of them. I didn’t know how you’d react because we’ve met under different circumstances. I was way, way happy back then. I cannot remember a time that you’ve really seen me down. So there. Plus, you're like far. My apologies if this will come out as if I don't trust you and all. I do. It's just something different. And new. Even I don't know how to deal with it myself.

I want to go on and on but I’ll just save it when we see each other. I know I have a lot of things to tell you (and I know you’re eager to know them) so I hope you (and our two other friends) will be ready to listen. And I mean LISTEN. Hopefully, by then I'd be the happy MakMak again.

Friend, thank you so much. I can’t tell you enough how much your message means to me.

Yes, even if it wasn't really for me. I'm claiming it as mine. :]

TTFN.

PS: I miss you tons. By the way, I'm including the write-up you included in your post on this entry. It helped me a lot and I think it would be fantastic if it can help others too, so I'm spreading the word.

*******

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us: For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over and you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It 's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to… LET IT GO!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains… LET IT GO!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth… LET IT GO!

If someone has angered you… LET IT GO!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge… LET IT GO!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction… LET IT GO!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents… LET IT GO!

If you have a bad attitude… LET IT GO!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better… LET IT GO!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him… LET IT GO!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship… LET IT GO!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves… LET IT GO!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed… LET IT GO!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to… LET IT GO!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for you!
- TD Jakes, Let It Go

the good kind

Found this on my Outlook inbox this morning (courtesy of Jay).

More often than not, we usually don't pay much attention to how we treat other people. So these five short narratives are a reminder of how we should deal with people of all sorts. Kindness begets kindness - unoriginal by no means, but nevertheless a lesson that is timeless.


01. The Cleaning Lady
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

02. Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an elderly African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

03. Ice Cream
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked..

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

04. The Road Block
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

05. Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.


As for me, this is something I have realized as I was typing this entry:

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.

*******

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.
- Charles H. Spurgeon

one word

Just a word. No explanations.

01. Yourself: MakMak.
02. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Work-In-Progress.
03. Your hair: Fix.
04. Your mother: Cool.
05. Your father: Okay.
06. Your favorite item: Red.
07. Your dream last night: Daine.
08. Your favorite drink: Water.
09. Your dream car: Chrysler.
10. The room you are in: Bedroom.
11. Your ex: Pretentious.
12. Your fear: Death.
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Rich.
14. Who you hung out with last night: Myself.
15. What you’re not? Loved.
16. Muffins: YouTube.
17. One of your wish list items: Laptop.
18. Time: Unpredictable.
19. The last thing you did: Comfort.
20. What you are wearing: Penshoppe.
21. Your favorite weather: Rainy.
22. Your favorite book: Depressing.
23. The last thing you ate: Fries.
24. Your life: Movie.
25. Your mood: Maudlin.
26. Your best friend/s: Superb.
27. What are you thinking about right now: Words.
28. Your car: None.
29. What are you doing at the moment: Blogging.
30. Your summer: Bohol.

visualdna

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when you love someone like that

MakMak: I think it was me. It must have been me. I guess I did something wrong.
MakMak: I tried too hard, wanted too much. I guess that's why he's gone.
MakMak: I lost my pride. I fought and cried.
MakMak: I felt like a little kid. What's wrong with me? I still can't believe I did the things I did.
MakMak: I couldn't change him. He was gonna break my heart. I saw it coming.
MakMak: Yeah, I knew it from the start but...

Lola Yeba!: Hey, it ain't right. It just ain't right. Don't tell yourself that it was you.
Lola Yeba!: You followed your heart. You gave it your best.
Lola Yeba!: There's nothing more you can do.
Lola Yeba!: Guys like him are like the wind.
Lola Yeba!: And you know it's just too bad - they blow in and out again and never know what they had.
Lola Yeba!: Dude, I can tell you he'll do the same to someone else.
Lola Yeba!: It ain't about you. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Lola Yeba!: We've all loved and lost. It has happened to us all.
MakMak: I hear what you're saying but I feel like the only one.
Lola Yeba!: You might feel that way but you're not.

Lola Yeba!: You're alright.
MakMak: I'm alright.
Lola Yeba!: You're ok.
MakMak: I'm ok.
Lola Yeba!: You're gonna make it anyway.
MakMak: Yeah.

*******

It was one of those tracks that remain unplayed on my iPod until it got selected randomly by the player. The timing couldn't have been any more perfect as it was on that day that I silently bid farewell to whatever it is Daine and I have.

*******

J: Musta Mak.
J: Suplado.
MakMak: Pauwi na ako. Ikaw kaya una kong tinext pagdating ko from Palawan. Suplado ka jan.
J: Bakit ang bilis. Umuwi ka lang?
MakMak: Hindi. Lunes talaga uwi namin. Hay... huling hatid ko na to sa kanya.
J: Ok na yun. At least makakatulog ka na. :-)
MakMak: Nalulungkot ako. Naluluha pa ata ako dito sa jeep. ;(
J: Again. That's love. Relax ka lang at try mo matulog.
MakMak: Para akong naglayas o pinalayas sa bahay sa hitsura ko. Hay... Buti dala ko yung eye glasses ko.
J: Ehehe. Baka nabasted :-) Ikaw mismo nagsabi enough. Pero sa tingin ko hindi pa rin.
MakMak: ... Salamat ha! *Hikbi*

*******

Like a child, I've lived on hope for so long.

And I don't want to go another mile wearing a fake smile.

But I fear that in the end, I will always come back to him.

*******

The words used in in this entry are actually the lyrics to the song of the same title.

I just wish someone sang this to me sooner.

*******

When you love somone like that. When you give what you can't take back. When you love with all your heart and soul. It's so hard to let it go.
- LeAnn Rimes & Reba McEntire, When You Love Someone Like That

i am monday

Betty: Does Daniel know that you feel this way about him?
Amanda: Please. He’s Daniel Mead. Take a number and wait in line.
Betty: I’m sure he feels the same way about you two. I mean, don’t you two have some kind of an agreement?
Amanda: Yeah he dates anything that moves. And I agreed to smile and take their messages. And now I’m sending them flowers too.
Betty: Amanda, if you knew who he was why did you get so involved?
Amanda: Because I thought he would get sick of serial dating. I’m sure as hell am.
Betty: And what if he doesn’t.
Amanda: He will. I’ll just wait.
- Ugly Betty, The Lyin’, The Watch And The Wardrobe

*******

February promises to be a better month.

I was unusually perky and everything was seemingly normal. Which makes it not normal considering my current situation. I refuse to believe that after four days of struggling for my betterment (or sanity), that I have come to terms with reality.

It was only yesterday that I was Amanda. I was the girl who dated this tall, dark and handsome serial dater (why do players come in good packages?). I was the girl who kept her thoughts and emotions locked up at the fear of losing whatever it is that the two of them has. I was the girl who kept her smile intact and acted nonchalantly whenever he did her wrong. I was Monday!

To be fair though he did warn her – not to focus on him, not to make him her priority, not to fall in love. But people are built differently. And way before they had this agreement, she had already fallen in love with him. Who can blame her? He was sweet to her in his own way. He was her constant (and only) date for the past year. He was her world.

Everything was going smooth until that fateful day when she just had to burst from all those pent up emotions. And things went downhill from there.

But she kept on giving. He kept on taking. It’s like a vicious cycle that she refuses to cut off. Even after all these time, her mantra has been “I’ll wait for him to change his mind”. Willing to stand strong amidst this emotional hurricane.

But today it’s different. I’m scared.

I can remember writing, "I’m holding on to you" but I can feel that I’m barely hanging on.

Although I’m looking forward to how February will turn out for me. Somehow, a part of me still yearns for Monday.