No other gift jumps out as significant next to thoughfulness.
So if I appeared too elated and surprised to see a bottle of my favorite perfume inside the paperbag given to my by my dearest officemate, or while I took out a tripod from the box handed by my bestfriend, or saw the books, the gym gloves, the stuffed toy, some of the things that I'm sure I have mentioned that I wanted, time and again; Or if I appeared too eager to receive a delivered gift that I have to go back to the office and work my charm on the receptionist and the guard to let me in, as I'm wearing shorts and they're not allowed to let anyone in unless they're dressed accordingly, well that, and it is a holiday, and do a quick check if Santa indeed left something for me - if I seem too ecstatic over the material things as I repeatedly boasted of having the best haul this year - forgive me. I'm just really happy. It feels good to be remembered, heard and acknowledged. As I put it in a dialogue with the King, "They like me. They really like me."
For the first time in a very long time, I celebrated this Christmas like a child. And for what it's worth, it was a reassurance that despite the chaos that is 2009, to deserve all these, I must have been a really good boy.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
on vulnerability
In an attempt to save me from a dark descent, Striker challenged me to be vulnerable. Even for just a month. He wanted me to experience the whole spectrum of emotion by being more open to other people, or at least to a certain person.
So I did.
I allowed myself to miss. To feel. To revel in the sweet highs and momentarily dwell on the heartbreaking lows. My mind entertained possibilities that I would not normally think of, and noticed signs that I would, more often than not, ignore. It took some time but eventually, I felt secure enough to let go of the fear that impeded my movement.
Through this, I gained perspective. My being vulnerable was not a sign of weakness. Rather, it displayed that I was strong enough to show that I care, if not love.
Earlier, while trying to divert my attention to more productive things, I realized that in order for my work to be pure and heartfelt, I need to embrace vulnerability once again.
I came full circle. To write what I truly feel has always been my guiding principle. But sometimes, the universe puts us in a circumstance that hinders free speech. Hence, we come out with nothing.
However, I think it's rather pointless - this declaration of vulnerability, or an attempt thereof. These walls that I have, they're a part of who I am; and as extensions of myself, my writings are safeguarded as well.
Only a fortunate few have managed to get through, but only because they also lowered theirs. Naturally, the Law of Reciprocity applies - tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
Let me be the one to say that it's worth it.
So I did.
I allowed myself to miss. To feel. To revel in the sweet highs and momentarily dwell on the heartbreaking lows. My mind entertained possibilities that I would not normally think of, and noticed signs that I would, more often than not, ignore. It took some time but eventually, I felt secure enough to let go of the fear that impeded my movement.
Through this, I gained perspective. My being vulnerable was not a sign of weakness. Rather, it displayed that I was strong enough to show that I care, if not love.
Earlier, while trying to divert my attention to more productive things, I realized that in order for my work to be pure and heartfelt, I need to embrace vulnerability once again.
I came full circle. To write what I truly feel has always been my guiding principle. But sometimes, the universe puts us in a circumstance that hinders free speech. Hence, we come out with nothing.
However, I think it's rather pointless - this declaration of vulnerability, or an attempt thereof. These walls that I have, they're a part of who I am; and as extensions of myself, my writings are safeguarded as well.
Only a fortunate few have managed to get through, but only because they also lowered theirs. Naturally, the Law of Reciprocity applies - tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
Let me be the one to say that it's worth it.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
the nightmare during christmas
"I'm alive," I said out loud. There remained a slight hint of fear in my voice. I pinched myself and cupped my face to see if I really were in my physical body and it's not just some astral manifestation or whatever.
I remember there was a girl.
The girl was a ghost coming in from the far side of my room. She stood out against the dull palette of my walls. The white shirt that hugged her body nicely set a contrast to the soft curls of her long black hair. She was tall. She was gorgeous. Short to say, she was perfect. Her demeanor commanded attention. Clearly, she was the girl that every man would want to be with. And she was coming for me.
"We have to go," she spoke. Her breathe felt cold against my face. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see her own staring back at me. She was on her toes. Her hands cupped my face. Her forehead against mine. She was indeed beautiful.
"Saint Rich wants to come along," I said in a tone that is flat and grounded. It was an attempt to hide the faint hesitation to break the news to her. Despite her being a stranger, there was a certain familiarity, perhaps in the situation, that what I just said was definitely most unwelcome on her part. She remained silent and I took it as a sign. She was crestfallen and it was evident on her face. Despite this, the girl yielded. Not that her decision would have mattered, anyway.
But I was sleepy so I closed my eyes momentarily. I felt her move. She took my hand, put it between hers and guided it slowly towards her face where my fingers grazed against her lips. Then she took one in. Flicked her tongue. Blew on it. Teasingly nibbled on a digit. I felt it all and yet I remained motionless.
Not until I realized that her gentle nibbles became harder. Teeth cutting through my skin. Fear took over. I panicked! As she was trying to bite my finger off, the best I can do is to pull my hand away from her. In an attempt to look at my aggressor, I tried to open my eyes but it won't budge. Like it was sealed. Or something heavy was lodged onto its lids. This frightened the hell out of me. I yelled but no voice came out. It was a struggle, and mid-way, despite my lack of vision, I saw that the girl morphed into a guy. This time, he was more sinister. He felt evil. And he still had my hand.
I trashed about and accidentally, I turned my head towards a glint of light coming from the upper part of my window. It was then that my eyes were freed of its burden. In a hurry, I opened them.
For real.
I threw my pillow to the side, got up and headed straight towards the kitchen. I filled a glass with water and sat by the table. I think I just had a nightmare on Christmas day. It would've been the worst day to die. Good thing I didn't.
I remember there was a girl.
The girl was a ghost coming in from the far side of my room. She stood out against the dull palette of my walls. The white shirt that hugged her body nicely set a contrast to the soft curls of her long black hair. She was tall. She was gorgeous. Short to say, she was perfect. Her demeanor commanded attention. Clearly, she was the girl that every man would want to be with. And she was coming for me.
"We have to go," she spoke. Her breathe felt cold against my face. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see her own staring back at me. She was on her toes. Her hands cupped my face. Her forehead against mine. She was indeed beautiful.
"Saint Rich wants to come along," I said in a tone that is flat and grounded. It was an attempt to hide the faint hesitation to break the news to her. Despite her being a stranger, there was a certain familiarity, perhaps in the situation, that what I just said was definitely most unwelcome on her part. She remained silent and I took it as a sign. She was crestfallen and it was evident on her face. Despite this, the girl yielded. Not that her decision would have mattered, anyway.
But I was sleepy so I closed my eyes momentarily. I felt her move. She took my hand, put it between hers and guided it slowly towards her face where my fingers grazed against her lips. Then she took one in. Flicked her tongue. Blew on it. Teasingly nibbled on a digit. I felt it all and yet I remained motionless.
Not until I realized that her gentle nibbles became harder. Teeth cutting through my skin. Fear took over. I panicked! As she was trying to bite my finger off, the best I can do is to pull my hand away from her. In an attempt to look at my aggressor, I tried to open my eyes but it won't budge. Like it was sealed. Or something heavy was lodged onto its lids. This frightened the hell out of me. I yelled but no voice came out. It was a struggle, and mid-way, despite my lack of vision, I saw that the girl morphed into a guy. This time, he was more sinister. He felt evil. And he still had my hand.
I trashed about and accidentally, I turned my head towards a glint of light coming from the upper part of my window. It was then that my eyes were freed of its burden. In a hurry, I opened them.
For real.
I threw my pillow to the side, got up and headed straight towards the kitchen. I filled a glass with water and sat by the table. I think I just had a nightmare on Christmas day. It would've been the worst day to die. Good thing I didn't.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
turnaround
Back when my reign in the college paper's editorial board was nearing its end, a student approached me and mentioned how much she appreciates my works. How my words inspired her. How it pushed her to strive to be, as she put it, an astig writer like myself.
While I still surmise that astig may be a little too good of a compliment (my earlier works never fail to make me cringe whenever I read them), I took her recognition to heart, and even up to now, it remains as one of the reasons why I still write for there is no greater reward than knowing that there are hearts and minds out there that get touched by my craft. It has become a constant source of motivation for me to yield pieces that are far better than what I have previously delivered.
For two years now, One has always been a good barometer and a record keeper of the happenings in my life, but something happened between then and now, which not only hampered the turn out of published posts, but in my honest opinion, deteriorated its quality. Then again, we are our own greatest critic.
I look at all that has happened over the course of its existence, and I am reminded of how appreciative I am for all the opportunities I have had, and even more grateful for the people who have become a part of this beautiful mess.
You make me want to not stop writing; and at times, quit it altogether. With you, I realized that writing is indeed, a struggle against silence.
And, I have remained silent for far too long. There are thoughts that need to be penned, and words that need to be heard.
On its third year, One will see a return to form.
I will never hide what I really feel.
While I still surmise that astig may be a little too good of a compliment (my earlier works never fail to make me cringe whenever I read them), I took her recognition to heart, and even up to now, it remains as one of the reasons why I still write for there is no greater reward than knowing that there are hearts and minds out there that get touched by my craft. It has become a constant source of motivation for me to yield pieces that are far better than what I have previously delivered.
For two years now, One has always been a good barometer and a record keeper of the happenings in my life, but something happened between then and now, which not only hampered the turn out of published posts, but in my honest opinion, deteriorated its quality. Then again, we are our own greatest critic.
I look at all that has happened over the course of its existence, and I am reminded of how appreciative I am for all the opportunities I have had, and even more grateful for the people who have become a part of this beautiful mess.
You make me want to not stop writing; and at times, quit it altogether. With you, I realized that writing is indeed, a struggle against silence.
And, I have remained silent for far too long. There are thoughts that need to be penned, and words that need to be heard.
On its third year, One will see a return to form.
I will never hide what I really feel.
Monday, December 21, 2009
overwhelmed / empty
Have you ever had the feeling that you have a lot to say but
a) you don't know where to start; and
b) you don't know who to tell it to (ie. you don't have anyone to tell it to)?
*******
My mind is in a constant state of flux.
And it's giving me a headache.
a) you don't know where to start; and
b) you don't know who to tell it to (ie. you don't have anyone to tell it to)?
*******
My mind is in a constant state of flux.
And it's giving me a headache.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
where i am
It came to mind.
Twelve months ago, I walked into the pantry to join the group in my first non-work related event only to find myself surrounded by people, the likes of whom I would normally disassociate myself with.
It was like a scene directly lifted from The House Bunny. You know that part when Anna Faris got stuck with the less popular girls? That's how I felt. Well, the people I am with, they're not losers. Not all of them, anyway. Rather, they seem to belong to the traditional breed of Finance persons - quiet, serious and vapid.
If anyone would have asked me then, I would have flatly said that my work sucks.
Nevertheless, I stayed despite the more lucrative offers that came my way. I chose to make the most out of my current employment. While it does not pay much, the non-monetary benefits that I reap are more than enough to keep me quite contented. I was once a King without a kingdom. Now, I feel like I have established an empire.
While there's still so much more to accomplish, I feel like I have shown what I am capable of, work-wise. In terms of camaraderie, I shall claim that I am the catalyst the department needed to get that extra oomph. I am the driving force behind the dinner and movie dates, coffee sessions, lunch outs, road trips and last-minute getaways this year. These bonding moments made our team more unified, and most definitely recognized as a fun group to be with. The stereotype no longer applies to them, to us.
In this regard, I have learned to appreciate my work, and most especially the people whom I work with. I wake up each morning anticipating what the day holds for me at the office. Are we going to have lunch at RCBC? Will we talk about A? When's the next gimmick?
The best work environment is one that fosters a good and harmonious relationship among team members. I'm lucky to be in one. I know because my work doesn't feel like work at all. I am having fun.
The HR partner, who was like, really pretty, paused before throwing back the question at me, "How are you?"
"I'm doing great. Everything's peachy," I readily answered. My words couldn't be any truer. Despite the occasional hassle and headache that normally come with any job for that matter, the relationships that I have forged, more than anything else, even the work itself, make the past year genuinely worthwhile.
For the first time in years, I feel like I belong. At this moment, I am where I'm supposed to be.
I am with the people whom I need.
*******
Celebrating my first year at work. Twelve months is a lifetime, in bunny years.
Twelve months ago, I walked into the pantry to join the group in my first non-work related event only to find myself surrounded by people, the likes of whom I would normally disassociate myself with.
It was like a scene directly lifted from The House Bunny. You know that part when Anna Faris got stuck with the less popular girls? That's how I felt. Well, the people I am with, they're not losers. Not all of them, anyway. Rather, they seem to belong to the traditional breed of Finance persons - quiet, serious and vapid.
If anyone would have asked me then, I would have flatly said that my work sucks.
Nevertheless, I stayed despite the more lucrative offers that came my way. I chose to make the most out of my current employment. While it does not pay much, the non-monetary benefits that I reap are more than enough to keep me quite contented. I was once a King without a kingdom. Now, I feel like I have established an empire.
While there's still so much more to accomplish, I feel like I have shown what I am capable of, work-wise. In terms of camaraderie, I shall claim that I am the catalyst the department needed to get that extra oomph. I am the driving force behind the dinner and movie dates, coffee sessions, lunch outs, road trips and last-minute getaways this year. These bonding moments made our team more unified, and most definitely recognized as a fun group to be with. The stereotype no longer applies to them, to us.
In this regard, I have learned to appreciate my work, and most especially the people whom I work with. I wake up each morning anticipating what the day holds for me at the office. Are we going to have lunch at RCBC? Will we talk about A? When's the next gimmick?
The best work environment is one that fosters a good and harmonious relationship among team members. I'm lucky to be in one. I know because my work doesn't feel like work at all. I am having fun.
The HR partner, who was like, really pretty, paused before throwing back the question at me, "How are you?"
"I'm doing great. Everything's peachy," I readily answered. My words couldn't be any truer. Despite the occasional hassle and headache that normally come with any job for that matter, the relationships that I have forged, more than anything else, even the work itself, make the past year genuinely worthwhile.
For the first time in years, I feel like I belong. At this moment, I am where I'm supposed to be.
I am with the people whom I need.
*******
Celebrating my first year at work. Twelve months is a lifetime, in bunny years.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
the breakdown
Whenever things begin to go uphill, the universe does something that will most certainly pull me back down.
I can never get a break.
Life is cruel.
And I am tired.
I can never get a break.
Life is cruel.
And I am tired.
Friday, December 11, 2009
tonight's gonna be a good night!
Richard Moran's Golden Rules for Career Success:
#36. People remember the end of a project.
#17. Always choose to do what you'll remember ten years from now.
#27.Go to the company Christmas party. Organize an awesome department Christmas party.
#36. People remember the end of a project.
#17. Always choose to do what you'll remember ten years from now.
#27.
*******
Because I always finish stronger than I started. Waiting for tonight.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
my life is a pop song: so small
Last Friday's mass took a little longer so it was already past one when we arrived at Glorietta for lunch. As soon as we were done eating, I excused myself so I can buy my present for that afternoon's gift-giving while they wait at the cab lane.After deciding to buy the plush doll of Dora, something that aptly describes my baby, I joined my colleagues outside. As the queue was quite long, we have had a lenghty conversation which mostly revolved around happiness.
"We shouldn't put our happiness on people because at one point in time, they will let us down." Larra shared the striking statement which she lifted from a book. Per usual, the discussion evolved to a deeper analysis of the case until it curved back to a more lighthearted topic that involves people's faces - how some are just easy and pleasant to look at, while others project a burdened or stressed out state even if they aren't.
The subject of faces and happiness gave them an opening to remind me - "We were trying not to laugh because you were failing in your attempt to look serious," Larra said.
"Yeah, that one part when you actually laughed gave it all away," the other one said.
"I did not laugh! I smiled," I explained in self-defense. The said incident happened after the Communion. I was reciting the Novena Prayer when I suddenly found myself at a loss for a second which led to my wrong enunciation of a word. While Larra reassured that it was unnoticeable, I was still embarassed.
You see, Archie started my day playing Carrie Underwood's So Small and I remember taking to mind how the song remains to function as my upper. Its words not only dispel my doubts and troubles but more importantly, it reaffirms that at the end of the day, all we need is faith.
By noon, I was asked to be the commentator for the First Friday mass once again. By some weird machination of the universe, the Gospel read by the priest was that of the two blind men that Jesus healed. A line from the reading struck me. It says, "According to your faith, be it done to you." At that moment, it felt like I was being addressed personally. Those words were a reassuring pat on the back. A comforting hug. An affirmation that it will happen as long as I trust and believe.
After the Communion, it all came to me - my thoughts earlier about So Small, and the Gospel reading - how the two underscore one and the same subject, on the same day. This has got to be anything but a random concurrence of events. If there's one thing I still believe in, it is that there is no such thing as a coincidence, and everything happens for a reason.
Completely forgetting that I was in front of a congregation, in the middle of a prayer, I smiled. I smiled like I just got a message from someone special. I smiled like I just unwrapped the best gift ever. I smiled because I know I'm bound to find good. I know because I believe.
And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands.
Monday, December 7, 2009
while i stand on the sidelines
Because happiness is just a by-product.
*******
Listing down the best things that make me really =). After the storm.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
secret santa
As a pre-cursor to this year's Christmas party, it was agreed upon by the team to play Secret Santa. The chosen weekly themes slightly deviate from the norm as we decided to go for something more challenging. Those that would examine the familiarity among team members, and subsequently instill its importance in the workplace.
Since then, Fridays became much more anticipated and loved. There is a certain joy in seeing how everyone in the team looks forward to the weekly gift giving. The last one was no different as the participants who were around gathered at the pantry to receive their presents. We were tasked to give our babies something that represents whatever it is that we want to receive. While the rest were busy deciding and deciphering who wanted a car (Hot Wheels), a cute boyfriend ("Peace-Love-and-Cute-Boys" pink shirt), or a love story (Drew Barrymore's Ever After), I was left sulking in the corner wondering why my secret Santa forgot to put in his gift this week. It's sad, I know.
Christmas may be a season for a lot of things, but never for gloom and despair. More than anything else, nothing can be more uplifting than seeing people making the most out of the season - those that choose to be selfless and thoughtful, those that trade their frowns for a smile, those that celebrate life and real love, and those who appreciate the simpler things in life like that girl who received a purple 2010 planner, a cute reminders board, a set of shimmering headbands, or the tacky idea that is a movie DVD.
Her acknowledgment and delight, it was priceless.
Since then, Fridays became much more anticipated and loved. There is a certain joy in seeing how everyone in the team looks forward to the weekly gift giving. The last one was no different as the participants who were around gathered at the pantry to receive their presents. We were tasked to give our babies something that represents whatever it is that we want to receive. While the rest were busy deciding and deciphering who wanted a car (Hot Wheels), a cute boyfriend ("Peace-Love-and-Cute-Boys" pink shirt), or a love story (Drew Barrymore's Ever After), I was left sulking in the corner wondering why my secret Santa forgot to put in his gift this week. It's sad, I know.
Christmas may be a season for a lot of things, but never for gloom and despair. More than anything else, nothing can be more uplifting than seeing people making the most out of the season - those that choose to be selfless and thoughtful, those that trade their frowns for a smile, those that celebrate life and real love, and those who appreciate the simpler things in life like that girl who received a purple 2010 planner, a cute reminders board, a set of shimmering headbands, or the tacky idea that is a movie DVD.
Her acknowledgment and delight, it was priceless.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i dreamt of zac efron
Though he was referring to a totally different person, I remember a friend saying something like, "Napanaginipan mo na ba? Love na yan [kung ganun]!" Haha. =)
It's funny because it's probably true.
It's funny because it's probably true.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
just because it's christmas
I won't ask for much this season.
*******
I never apologize for showing feeling.
Remembered while cleaning up the mess that is so 2009.
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