mama

You are the one who makes me happy when everything else turns to grey. Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings and sends me out into the day. You are the crowd that sits quiet listening to me and all the mad sense I make. You are one of the few things worth remembering. And since it's all true, how can anyone mean more to me than you.
- The Carpenters, You

*******

October 29, 2007.

After having lunch at Burger King, I asked Daine to accompany me to Red Ribbon to buy a cake for my mom. It was her birthday. We ended up buying a cake and palabok which proved too difficult for me to carry by myself. But I didn't dare ask Daine to help me. Daine wasn't exactly someone you'd want your mom to meet.

"Kaya mo na ba yan? Samahan pa ba kita," Daine asked.

"Kaya na. Papasok na nga ako ng cab diba. Salamat," I replied with the sweetest smile I could muster.

October 29, 2008.

It's 5:55 PM and I still don't know what to buy for my mom. Sadness. I've been too pre-occupied yesterday that I almost forgot that it was her birthday today.

Initially, I wanted for us to have a simple celebration this weekend. And by celebration, I mean I would want her to cook and prepare a few dishes. But that would entail her doing the hard part and I wouldn't want her to get tired. Even if I am so craving for a Spaghetti.

So I asked a friend what I can give her.

"Ano kaya magandang i-uwi kay Mama... Anak? Hehe"

"Hahahaha. Uu."

"Naku. Tumawa ka naman. Yun pa naman isusulat ko sa blog ko. Bumenta kaagad."

"Ahehe. Pinag-praktisan pa ako..."

"Siyempre."

"Alam ko na! Dalhan mo si Mama mo sa Centerstage. Tapos sayawan mo at kantahan mo siya. Ala-Britney."

"Ahahaha."

"Tapos declare mo that she's going to have an apo. Haha."

"Tapos ganito: Mama: Kanino? MakMak: Uhm... Hindi ko po alam kung sino ama."

"Ahahaha. Waaa! Riot!"

"Haha."

I think my being a good son is good enough. Right?

But a cake will work fine as well.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. One February night, my mom went up and handed me a glass of milk.

"Ayan, inumin mo para makatulog ka. Ang dami mong iniisip masyado kaya ka hindi makatulog nitong mga nakaraang araw."

I wanted to tell her everything right then and there. I wanted to tell her how much it hurts and that I've never been this devastated. However, before I could say anything that I might regret in the future I stood up and hugged her instead.

I was a wreck and she knew.

"See, hearts don't think. They just act and feel. That's why they get burned often."
- Walk Away (Remember Me), February 2008

sharky sharky

I love dolphins!

Aside from bunnies and unicorns, they're my favorite animals. I think they're amazing creatures. Not only are they naturally adorable creatures but they are smart too. I would like to think that they are sometimes smarter than some humans. Case in point, dolphins are known to rescue humans from many perilous situations unlike some people who tend to not even give a damn about their fellowmen. Also, dolphins have a personality unlike sharks. And when you swim with them, you'd go "OMG! Dolphins! Hihi" and not "OMG! A shaaaark! OMG! OMG! OMG!".

Anyway, I recall telling JP how the Makati Commercial Center looked like during the early 90s. Sadly, I can't seem to find any good personal picture of it save for the one I found online.

Makati Commercial Center was more spacious with Greenbelt being literally green, and Glorietta being the then-popular Quad - a small theater house located at the far end of the mall strip which stands along the length of Landmark to SM Shoemart. The middle ground used to have this wide open field where they would host concerts, carnivals and similar shows. That's where I remember watching a dolphin show with my mom when I was younger. I remember being ecstatic but that's about it.

And after a couple of years, I get to watch another show. But this time, it was in Baltimore.

7 things, pt. II

Previously on 7 Things:

Life is full of little wonders like buying new books and school supplies every start of the school year, eating at a new fancy restaurant with your clique, going on a road trip with your best buddy, and sneakernights. We just have to take the time to put those rose-colored glasses from childhood back on to find them.

We may need to put on those vintage accessory that we have long stashed in the attic to find joy in the smallest things. But isn't it weird that we do not need such an item to find fault in the simplest of things? Like how we don't need to look at someone snoring to be annoyed at the loud, unnecessary noise he's making. Or how we can tell that our personal space is invaded even without turning our heads towards the said intruder.

We are all guilty of having pet peeves that annoy us. If you think about it, these feelings may seem highly illogical. Why would anyone be miffed by airline talk? Or those sparkly glitter on Christmas cards? Or people who do not know how to leave a voice message? Illogical. Nevertheless, it often gives us a great deal of frustration.


PUBLIC TRANSPORT

MRT rides / MRT card thing / Drivers who stops at every street corner to pick up passengers / Drivers who try to squeeze 15 people in a 10-person bench / Cab drivers who don't know their way around / Cab drivers who haggle for the fare / Picky cab drivers / Jeeps with mirrors that make people ugly / Retarded drivers / "Traffic" / Double parking / Passengers who do not know how to say "thank you" when you assist them in giving their fare to the driver or handing their change back / Dirty buses //

This actually warrants an entry of its own because I could go on and on with the things that frustrate me about our public transportation system and culture. I'll do that but I should probably buy a car first.

QUEUES

Government agency lines / Bank lines / People who take forever to order food / Slow people walking in front of me / Security guards who overly frisk people / Being put on hold by the CSR for more than a minute //

I hate waiting. I have the patience of a toddler. Thus, I hate queues.

DUMB PEOPLE

People who are not smart / People who can't carry a simple conversation / People who answer with close-ended statements / Ignorant people / People who wear sunglasses inside buildings / People who can't complete one sentence / Frontliners who do not smile / People who rely on spell check / Know-it-alls / PeOpLE wHO TyPe Like ThIs / People who are oftentimes too negative / People who assume too much / People who despise pop music / People who okayed the idea of creating Sasha Fierce / People who clap after a movie screening / Sales clerks who don't have a freaking idea what they're selling / Stupid advertisements / Using "yeah" in a formal conversation / Incompetent people //

Who doesn't hate dumb people? But you know what's worse?

[DUMB PEOPLE WITH] BAD MANNERS

People who stare / Noisy eaters / People who are mean to animals / People that snoop / Tapping / Men who insist on sitting with their legs spread like they got something there / People who talk inside the elevators / People who rush inside the elevators even before everyone can come out of it / Someone over my shoulder reading the computer screen or the mobile phone / Insensible jerks and bitches / When people use armrests on both sides of you / People who don't look at you when they are talking, or when you are talking to them /People who don't say "thank you" and "pardon me" //

I can tolerate dumb people, but ill-mannered persons? Never.

UNLUCKY

Badly wanting an item of clothing but they don't have it in your size / Getting sick / The rain stopping suddenly when you're all set to go //

Rain on your parade? Sad.

CATCH ALL

Students who prolong a class by asking the most inane questions / People who dress their pets / Guys who wear wifebeaters in public / People that don't answer e-mails / Sasha Fierce / Hypocrites / Selfish bastards / Miley Cyrus / Perez Hilton / Douche bags //

These things could probably go into some other category but I needed seven.

FLAKES

People who make last minute cancellations //

I HATE, HATE, HATE it when people make last minute cancellations. Especially if he happens to be the one who made the invitation in the first place. Most especially when this supposed thing has been planned for a considerably long time now. The stress of saying no to other invites and moving appointments just to push through with the plan

Making me wait for an hour or two is relatively forgivable. Canceling is just a mortal sin.


Initially, I wanted for it to appear like there are more reasons for us to be happy but as it appears, there may be more things that irk us to no end than the former. Plus, this list is not exclusive nor final because I know that I haven't included everything on my mind.

7 things, pt. I

I used to carry around a list of the simple things that make me happy. I've been looking for it for ages as I wanted to expound on the subject. It is in relation to my ongoing project of keeping myself happy.

Sadly, I seem to have lost it. Though I can probably list down a few of the things that I remember like that chocolate-flavored drink I used to buy from Quickly, going home with Striker and JenStar after rendering hours at the college paper, ganging up on Charm and Malyn in any game (i.e. Uno, Uno Stacko, Scrabble), SNES games, Mario 3, Sharky Sharky.

In lieu of the list I've lost, I've made a short summary of the things that make me smile nowadays.


GEEKDOM

A trip to a bookstore / A trip to the library / Crisp pages of a new book / Learning new trivia / Buying a truckload of comic books / A visit to Filbar's / Reading X-Positions / Wikipedia / Buying new notebooks and red pens / School supplies //

Back in third grade, my aunt asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I'd love to have an unabridged dictionary. She gave me one. The following year, she asked me once again and I asked for a set of Encyclopedia. She gave me a set of trivia books instead which I totally appreciated even if they weren't Collier's.

Books, fiction or otherwise, not only provide the reader valuable information but they also act as a form of escapism.

A world without books is a dull world. Anyone who disagrees should probably rethink their definition of dullness.

FIRST

Trying out my hand in sporty stuff / Strangers turned friends / New Starbucks drink / Eating at new restaurants / Getting new ideas for a blog entry //

I'm a Certified Public Accountant; Do you want it in a Grande or a Venti cup?

It's always fun and exciting to try out something new for the first time. It may be starting a new hobby like blogging and photography. Or something that you wouldn't normally include in any of your to-do lists but you end up enjoying doing it anyway such as wall climbing, eating food that you used to categorize under the 'inedibles' like fried noodles and siomai, and applying for a part-time job as a barista.

YUMMY

Cadbury chocolate / Double Dutch Ice Cream / Dairy Queen Blizzard / NYFD Fries / Manhattan Meatlover's Pizza / Cajun Chicken Pasta / Seafood Pasta / Mom's spaghetti / Hashbrown / KFC / National Sports Grill //

They say that food is the most primitive form of comfort. It must be true. I mean, look at how comfortable Mega is.

ROADTRIPPIN'

Walking / Walking with friends / Walking in the rain / Window shopping / Week-long vacations / Nature tripping / Spontaneous road trips / Passing through expressways and highways / Long bus rides / New destinations / Shopping for souvenirs / Photo shoots //

I travel because I want to get away from life's monotony. I travel because sometimes, I want to get away from myself. Be it a week-long vacation in some remote island in the South or just a short trip to another metro, traveling gives me the opportunity to disconnect myself from my regular life and by doing so, it lets my body and mind rejuvenate. Traveling also increases my knowledge and it never fails to give me new perspective. And most importantly, it creates memories that will last a lifetime.

Also, if you want to know if you like or hate a person, invite them on a trip.

LISTEN

Good music / Karaoke / American Idol //

The trouble with life is that there's no background music. Thank God for my iPod.

PEOPLE

Hanging out with friends / A nice, spontaneous conversation that goes on and on / Comfortable silences / Dinner-movie dates / Being invited to go out / College sleepovers and movie marathons / Retreats, seminars and conventions / Playing PS2 with my brother / Hearing mass with loved ones / Hearing from someone whom you haven't talked to or met for the longest time / Receiving a call or message that lightens up your day / Sensible talks / Making other people smile / Being missed / The feeling of being trusted and liked / Inside jokes / Cheap thrills / 'Nyt' messages //

We do not need to ponder on the purpose and reason why people come and go in our lives. All we need to know is that man is here for the sake of other men. We just have to live, learn and enjoy every minute we have with them, one day at a time.

Choose these people wisely because they will be partly responsible for the lives you'll be living.

There's nothing better than being with people who understand your past, believe in your future and accept you just the way you are.

MOMENTS

Looking at old pictures and souvenirs / Reading letters / Reminiscing about the good times / Attending reunions / Hearing songs that remind you of certain people or events / Remembering cheesy jokes / Baby pictures //

One effective way of fighting sadness is recalling feel-good moments in one's life. Browsing through old stuff like pictures, mementos, yearbooks and letters enables us to connect with the marks left by the people we love.


Evidently, there are countless reasons to be happy. We don't have to rely on other people to have it. Sometimes, the simple things that grant us great happiness is left unnoticed because we tend to look at things in a perspective different from how it should be seen.

Life is full of little wonders. We just have to take the time to put those rose-colored glasses from childhood back on to find them.

TO BE CONTINUED.

it's britney, bitch!, pt. II

05. GIMME MORE [Blackout]
Nothing but a gratuitous move to score a comeback single and break into the urban market save for the opening line which totally gave Spears her own level of fierceness. Just look at how many times I've used this tag line in my Britney-related posts.

04. BREAK THE ICE [Blackout]
She talks. She breathes heavily. She moans. She does the "hot hot hot hot" which is highly reminiscent of IAS4U. Every thing that she's good at, it's here.




03. ... BABY ONE MORE TIME [... Baby One More Time]
I highly doubt if there's anyone who isn't familiar with Spears' debut single. I remember dismissing her as another one-hit wonder who will use raunchiness as her vehicle to stardom. It isn't far from what she is but at least she's no one-hit wonder no more.

02. I'M A SLAVE 4 U [Britney]
I would be lying if I said that I loved this song as soon as it hit the airwaves. It took me a few playbacks before I fully appreciated the new urban sound of Spears. IAS4U marks her transition from the girl-next-door to a full-blown vixen.


01. TOXIC [In The Zone]
Easily one of the best pop songs in recent music history. The amazing intro, stellar instrumentation and beats and her digitally enhanced vocals form part of what makes Toxic the most sonically interesting track off Spears' discography. One can't help but feel the rush whenever this is played.

it's britney, bitch!, pt. I

October 1998. The music video of an industry newbie portraying a Catholic schoolgirl gone wild dancing in hallways and other school locations while singing lines such as "hit me baby one more time" raised a lot of eyebrows. Britney Spears has been dubbed as Pop's princess who was responsible for the rise of the post-millennial teen pop. Rolling Stone magazine even named her as one of the most controversial and successful female vocalists of the 21st century.

After ten years, six albums, twenty seven singles, two failed marriages, and a whole lot of widely publicized personal struggles and scandals, Spears has earned her second US number one hit with her comeback single Womanizer, proving that nobody can put a good woman down.

Here's counting down the ten most mention-worthy, if not the best, tracks off her discography.

10. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ME [Britney]
Before Blackout, Britney was Spears' most consistent album in terms of song quality. Every track was polished to be radio friendly even if it is noticeably more mature and raunchy. And ending the record is WILTBM, a song written by her ex-beau Justin Timberlake (who also lends his voice on the song) and long-time choreographer (and rumored fling) Wade Robson. This is an high-energy self-anthem with aggressive vocals and edgy backbeats that gives Britney the standout closing it deserves.

09. OOPS!... I DID IT AGAIN [Oops!... I Did it Again]
Britney in red catsuit. Wait. Virginal Britney in red catsuit doing all those awesome dance moves. In space. And the best part:

Cute Astronaut: "Britney, before you go, there's something I want you to have."
Britney: "Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
Cute Astronaut: "Yeah, yes it is."
Britney: "But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end."
Cute Astronaut: "Well baby, I went down and got it for you."

Everybody: "Oh, you shouldn't have."

Classic. Oh, and Britney makes birit here.

08. SOMEDAY (I WILL UNDERSTAND) [OST - Britney & Kevin: Chaotic... The DVD & More]
Spears isn't exactly known for her vocal skills but I have to admit (and so does everyone else) that she can definitely sing. And this song proves just that. It is without doubt one of her most outstanding works to date. Not only does it highlight her voice in its most natural form, but it also shows that the girl can be profound amidst all that crazy shit. This is as real as it gets.

07. OOH OOH BABY [Blackout]
Gimme More might have that chutzpah that Spears needed for her so-called comeback but if her producers were any wiser, they would have gone with this track as the lead single. OOB doesn't veer away from the mainstream pop sound but it does pack a stadium-stomping beat (i.e. good trash music ala Hollaback Girl), while the layered vocals gives off the effect that she actually knows how to harmonize and most importantly, the song has more hooks than any song I could think of in the recent era. OOB is just solid gold.

06. SOMETIMES [... Baby One More Time]
This should have made it to the top five if not for my consideration for her more upbeat tracks which she is known for. But objectivity aside, Sometimes is perhaps representative of how cool and refreshing and vibrant 90s music is. I am so in love with the music video of Sometimes (mostly because of its dance routine which I can't help but mentally execute whenever I hear this song) that I almost forgot how it sparked the controversy that Spears had a boob job.

TO BE CONTINUED.

bipolar

XDAY.

Mak: Sorry B ha. Sorry talaga. :(

AFTER 3 HOURS...

Mak: Wah! Galit ka talaga saken... :(
B: Bakit ako magagalit?
Mak: Hmm... Nagalit ka kaya kanina sa tinanong ko na hindi naman talaga. :(
B: Whatever.
Mak: Kita mo. Sige, pasensya na.
B: :P
Mak: :,(
B: Hay naku ako pa ngayon ang pinapa-guilty mo. Tama na yan. Ano oras date mo?
Mak: :,( Wala.
B: Wag ka magsalita ng tapos baka ka tamaan ng kidlat at sabihin sa'yo ni God "mapagbiro ka talaga".
Mak: Weh. Seriously, nakaka-insulto.
B: Hmm... I don't want to comment. As in. Seriously. :)
Mak: Aw. Ganun? Eh dito sa balita ko magko-comment ka for sure... Hehe.

[X+2]DAY.

Mak: B! Hmmm... Musta? Ayos na ba kayo?
B: Hmm. Ngayon lang naging ok. Alone. Aral mode.
Mak: Yan okay na. Pauwi pa lang ako from Starbucks. Dinner ka na.
B: Nope. Di pa. Mamaya na siguro. Hmm.
Mak: Ayos na yun. Important is magkasundo na ulit kayo.
B: Yup. So last day mo ngayon?
Mak: Nope. Last day ko na nung Tuesday. Flight ko tomorrow ng 8 AM.
B: Flight ka diyan.
Mak: Northwest. See you third week of January!
B: Wehhhhhhh.
Mak: Yan ka na naman, hindi ako pinaniniwalaan.
B: Ewan ko sa'yo.
Mak: Aalis na lang ako... :(
B: Hay naku marc...
Mak: Joke lang! Siyempre sasabihin ko kaagad sa'yo yun kung aalis ako. Sa'yo muna bago sa iba.
B: Tapos kanino? Wait may MALAKING BALITA ako as in. Kuwento ko pag online ka. As in. :)
Mak: Sige. Teka bakit may net ka?
B: Yup. Hindi tulad sa Starbucks lahat may bayad.
Mak: Hehe. Anong MALAKING BALITA mo?
B: Basta.

Ano yung MALAKING BALITA? Hmm... Wouldn't you like to know. Hehe. :)

See you all in January! :)

if that's ok with you

Most people make the mistake of settling for the wrong person, just because it feels right, at the moment. It does not take a relationship guru to realize it will not last, but still, many take the plunge because it gives them something to do while waiting for the right one. If only we can stop from being stubborn and realize that we prevent ourselves from getting the kind of relationship that we deserve if we occupy ourselves with things that we know will lead nowhere. Even if it is true that you do not need to search because the right one just comes, how can that person find you if a wrong relationship is keeping you from being found?

This is one of several pieces on love a friend wrote in her column back in college. A bunch of maudlin editors we were back then.

But I shouldn't be thinking of such things at the moment. Especially not when I have like a million things on my plate right now.

Like how I shouldn't be thinking of remembering the tiniest details about a fictional character whom we shall name as A for the sake of simplifying sentence structures, or try to see A as often as possible, or do things just for the purpose of being with A. Or be agitated if something goes badly for A. And of course, smile at the slightest rapport with A.

Again, not the right time but it's what I'm good at - diverting my attention towards other things. They're not necessarily ache-free things, but whatever works right?

In support, let me share a conversation which I shall entitle "Major Ass Kissing":

"Hay... Nararamdaman ba natin kung malungkot or in need of some help ang bawa't isa," I asked.

"Hmm... Alam ko when something's wrong. I just don't know... Teka," Striker replied.

"Ano?"

"Nag-ja-jam ang brain ko."

"Kaya mo yan."

"Ayan. I just don't know how to tell if you really are sad kasi you always mask it," he paused and the went on. "The good thing I like about you is you know how to fight off sadness with simple things. And that makes you a simple person."

"Hmm... Ang ganda ng pagkaka-retoke ng boses ni Nicole Scherzinger no?"

"..."

So between the 50-year old lady who gave me foresight of how a Pussycat Doll (pick a Doll, any Doll) would look like in 2028 sans multiple botox, plastic surgery and liposuction treatments (I had the opportunity of sharing a jeepney ride with her yesterday afternoon. Sadness that I can't get a good shot from where I was sitting) and the ever so dreamy A - it's a no-brainer whom I would want to waste precious time daydreaming, saying "3 words, 8 letters. Say it and I'm yours" to.

argh

Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm being singled out by the universe to suffer.

I've been feeling under the weather the entire day and if it weren't for another Blair Waldorf intervention, I would probably still be sulking in my work station.

A part of me thinks that this is a karmic retribution for being slightly bad these past few days.

I need a break.

these walls

Ever since Rye mentioned something about him being in his "safe place", I have been persistently badgering him to teach me how to make one so I can have my own. This went on for the longest time, even going as far as him offering a PC monitor box to cover my head. He said that it'll do the trick. Like I'd wear one.

A few nights ago I remember texting him that I think I've found my safe place. I was referring to some other thing back then. However, after reading Bom's blog this morning, I realized that I've been looking for my "safe place" in all the wrong spots and situations.

I am my own "safe place" and what I need are sturdy walls that will keep me from stumbling. I don't even have to look for the latter as I already have more than enough of them.

Much like my friend, I have GOOD people all over me ready to keep me sane, pick me up and put me back into place every time. I just have to stop being stubborn and let these GOOD people know when I need some catching.

And to my GOOD people, I couldn't be luckier to have each and everyone of you.

You all have my unending gratitude.

oops!... she did it again

WOMANIZER
Britney Spears
Circus

Rating: A

Blackout was the critically-acclaimed comeback project that failed to put Britney Spears back on pop music's radar. Let's face it, bad publicity is bad. Look at Mariah Carey's Glitter (the soundtrack), any reasonable listener would agree that a majority (if not all) of its tracks are beyond superb and yet it flopped in terms of commercial success because of the dismal reception of the accompanying movie. And of course, 9/11. And J.Lo. Similarly, the Pop Princess' previous effort suffered the same fate sans movie because of all the negative hype which ultimately led to minimal, if not zero, marketing and promotion.

But enough of the past, Spears has just released the lead single off her much-anticipated second comeback record Circus. Womanizer is a fusion of the electronic sound of Blackout (pick a track, any track) and pop which she has skillfully perfected. The single never goes beyond name calling and accusing some poor bastard of being a womanizer, a woma-womanizer. Lyrical depth has never been Spears' forte so there is minimal expectation in this area. But when we talk about hard-pounding back beats and a hook that will certainly get stuck in your head for ages (Boy, don't try to front I-I know just-just what you are-a-are), Spears has it all pinned down on her new track. And at this age when synths sell, Womanizer is bound to be a massive hit.

And now that it has jumped 95 places in the Billboard Hot 100 to reach the number one slot, her second after ...Baby One More Time (see how unfair life is, Rihanna, a third-rate Britney, has five), Womanizer just gave her the right to say "It's Britney, bitch!" once more. And this time, she can utter it with unrivaled fierceness.

*******

Lollipop, you must mistake me for a sucker to think that I, would be a victim, not another. Say you're playing how you want it but no way I'm never gonna fall for you, never you, baby.

paparapapa

I remember one morning when you pulled a chair towards my station where you sat and wept. I asked you what happened and you told me that you were having problems with your fiance. You said that you're tired of him being so overly jealous, and that you're not sure if he still loves you. You're scared that maybe you're wasting precious years on someone whom you might not end up with. You're terrified that your dreams of white picket fences and a family of four with him, in California, is slipping away.

That was seven months ago.

Whoever thought that on Saturday you'll be flying to the States? And a week from then, you'll have the wedding you've always dreamed of.

That's what I admire about you. You never gave up. Your faith endured all the tribulations that came your way and look what it got you - a one-way ticket to California, a green card and a husband to boot. Man, I'd be uber delighted to get at least one of those three.

But seriously, I could never be more happy for you. Actually I can and will be if you agree to let me stay at your place should my plans of visiting the West Coast next year push through. So whatever I said the other night, just forget about it. We'll never not see each other again. So no, I won't miss you (but I'll certainly miss your chichacorn pasalubong). I won't even say goodbye. But you already know that.

What you don't know though is that I've been asking MB and Jean how we've become close. I'm really sorry but I can't remember, and neither can they. It must have happened during the period of time which I decided to selectively erase from everyone's mind.

In any case, it doesn't matter. I'd like to think that what doesn't begin, doesn't end.

Sweet? I know. You'll miss it.

Have a safe flight JasmineTrio, and see you.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. May 2007. I was dealing with some personal stuff that I couldn't exactly share with you. All I needed was for someone to listen. You did more, you told me this:

"You know what, I really look up to you in terms of how you carry yourself even back then. I hardly appreciate people so you're like the second person I've put up in a pedestal. The first one was a friend back in High School. I hope that I could be as great as you."

Thank you so much. It has been a constant source of strength ever since.

And you don't have to hope for greatness, you already have it.

scoop

For the past four weeks, I've been working as a part-time barista. And for the past four weeks, fellow partners would always ask me the same question every chance they get.

"Why Starbucks?"

And being the boy scout that I am, I have prepared an answer to that much-expected query.

"I want to be with a company that would be able to represent me well, and I them. I have enough idle time on my hands and I want to use it productively. And if making and calling out beverages which names can give tongue twisters and scientific names a run for their money isn't productive, I don't know what is."

"Nagpapayaman ka ata eh," some would say.

"It's not about the money naman po. My hourly rate here won't even compensate for the transportation expenses that I'm incurring. If it were for the money, I would've practiced my profession instead of busing tables and preparing espresso drinks for 'socialites' and 'nouveau rich' (read: mga ate na sinuwerte sa chat na ngayon ay padala-dala na lang ng kanilang mga puppies while their blue-eyed daughter is with her yaya). Sana nakaupo na lang po ako sa bahay at papirma-pirma na lang."

"Buti hindi ka nahihirapan? Kami nga yung two-day off eh tinutulog lang namin. Ikaw yung weekends mo nakukuha pa. Wala ka ng pahinga."

"Nahihirapan," I say wearing a plastered smile on my face. "Pero ganoon talaga. I have to learn. Ginusto ko to eh."

"Okay lang sa parents mo?"

"My dad is furious but that's a story for another day. I'm old enough to do what I want anyway."

"Pero masaya naman di ba?"

"Opo. It's fun to do menial tasks for the first time like mopping floors, washing the dishes used by other people, and taking out trash. I normally don't do these things at home so it's a nice way to remind me that I was once a mortal too. Plus, everybody's just super friendly. Even her, sometimes."

Cue: giggles.

"Oo naman. Basta ganoon lang dapat palagi ha. In fact, ang bilis mo nga matuto eh. Sa susunod perfect na lahat."

I'll probably tender my resignation on Friday.

I miss my boring weekends.

I miss my stress-free look.

I miss my alone time.

I miss my sneakers.

I miss my freedom.

I miss my jeans.

I miss sleeping.

I'm dead tired.

i'm tired

Ang sabi ng isang gulong sa kapwa niya gulong.

Ako, I'm dead tired! :(

fiction

I couldn't remember the last time I felt so driven and inspired to write poetry.

This I wrote over dinner last March. I had a red pen and a piece of paper sprawled on the table while my friends had a fork and a knife on their hands. I scribbled the first few verses in between bites of calamari, and small talk about love and life with them. And I went on for three hours. But it wasn't enough. So even while riding a jeepney on my way home, I was writing, striking out phrases and then replacing them with prettier ones. I was obsessed. I wanted it to be perfect.

WHEN THE MORNING COMES
[REPOST]

We could lay right here
Still, just breathing
And the space between us
Awaits for words to fill the silence.
But sometimes there is just nothing
Left to say,

Just like tonight

When we could lay right here
And I'd ask you to open your eyes, and
Kiss me once, or maybe twice,
Or till you reassure my heart
To take your conviction for sweet repose

But not tonight

For we'd lay right here
Entwined in pristine satin
Unmoving, just breathing
Like we're one,
But not quite.

For tonight there is no need
For empty words, nor
Water kisses and caresses,
But just the honesty
That I won't find you beside me

After tonight.

In retrospect, I felt so empowered that night I could've written a song and it would be a hit. I wish I did. Then I'd sell it to a record company and ask that it be sung by Mariah or Rihanna. Then I'd be rich. Freaking rich. It would top the music charts, break records, and earn nominations and awards left and right. Perez Hilton will rave about it. CBS will use it in one of its shows (read: Gossip Girl). It will be American Idol's next coronation song. $$$! A few months after, I'll just hear a Tagalized version of the song. This of course is an unlicensed reproduction of my song therefore I shall sue whomever wrote and subsequently, recorded it. Penalties, damages and more penalties! And then local TV stations will compete for the right to turn it into a teleserye. It will be covered by Ate Reg or Sarah G, depending on who will win the bid. Then it'll be turned into a box-office movie starring Sam and Piolo, I mean Toni , or Richard and KC a.k.a. Cassandra, again whomever wins the bid. PHP PHP PHP! Good Lord, I'll be freaking rich before 35.

I'd be so happy and contented that I wouldn't need to tell you that the poem that I wrote that night... it was actually for someone. But someone never wanted any of it.

paper cut

Hoppy is not a word.

I forgot that Whedon speak has yet to be accepted as part of the English language. In any case, I'm pretty sure that "hoppy bunny" got the message across.

Language is a very powerful tool. And lucky are those who know how to command it well. Writers have the freedom to create an arsenal they deem fit to get their thoughts across. But much like any privilege, it is bound by a limiter. Writers should never use words, or figures of speech, unless he/she is sure of its meaning/s and correct usage. These things won't make him/her sound smart. On the contrary, it will make him/her sound pretentious and arrogant unless he/she manages to use it skillfully. The same applies to foreign phrases and technical jargon. Keep it simple. There's a reason why this guideline is almost always mentioned in any material on effective writing - because it really is effective. If you want your ideas understood, make your articles accessible to the average reader.

While I'm on the subject of writing, there's another standard that should be kept in mind. Less is better. Always.

And of course, proofreading helps. A lot.

No matter how intelligible our ideas are, ineffective language weakens and distorts it. It is quite disheartening, and sometimes annoying, that a good concept is wasted because the read is marred by: 1) a plethora of errors, both grammatical and typographic, that the writer is just too lazy to review and edit; one can only use the inexpertness excuse for so much, or 2) the excessive, and often-than-not out-of-context use of $10 words such as inexpertness, plethora, and hoppy.

Admittedly, my works are not as pristine as I would want them to be but I do take the time to go through them before clicking the publish post button. I've seen articles that elicit migraines and literal nose bleeding. I know that not everyone is obliged to read the said writings but it doesn't take away the writer's responsibility to the entire universe to make his work clear, concise and comprehensible.

Again, this is no fiction.

the house bunny

I love bunnies!

I think they're the cutest animal that ever walked the Earth. Well, probably next to unicorns. Nothing can trump unicorns. Except for the phoenix but that's just a myth so it doesn't count.

Anyway, I had a pet rabbit when I was three years old. It was an albino - fluffy white fur all over its fat body, and bloodshot eyes. Although I think it wasn't exactly bloodshot. It was more pink than red.

The pet was a gift from my favorite aunt for my birthday. I remember waking up and running towards my desk as I saw my presents on it, including a cage. And inside the cage was this cute, tiny rabbit sleeping soundly. I took the cage and brought it downstairs to show everyone my new pet, Rabbit. Creative, yes? I was three for Christ's sake.

Rabbit and I became really close. I remember how he would follow me around the house on his hoppy legs. And how he would put his twitchy nose closer whenever I reach for his head. I made sure that he was always clean and healthy. I fed him all sorts of greens and of course, carrots. Hmmm. That's probably the reason why I never got accustomed to eating vegetables because he got my share of those leafy things.

One afternoon after coming home from playing kick ball, my mom nonchalantly informed of the untimely demise of Rabbit.

Time slowed down, if not fully stopped for everyone but myself. I feel like I've been doused with cold water. I accidentally dropped the glass I'm holding as I ran in slow motion towards his spot. What greeted me though was an empty, open cage. My eyes began to well up as I realize that Rabbit is really dead. And then I broke down and cried.

But that's not what happened.

I put the glass back on the table after drinking from it, and then asked my mom how Rabbit died. She said that an ant bit him. I wanted to laugh. I think I did laugh. An ant bit him? Ridiculous. But it was true. Rabbit was indeed dead. And it was because of those damn ants.

I fell into a three-minute stupor as I absent-mindedly watch my uncle wrap Rabbit in newspaper and place him inside a shoe box. They suggested that we bury him in the chapel near us. I watched silently as Rabbit's body was put one foot underground. After the hole was covered up, I placed a cross made from the sticks of a walis ting-ting on the dark soil.

And that's how I remember Rabbit, my fluffy, hoppy friend.

I swear I'm not making this up just so I can talk about bunnies. I really had one. This time, it's no fiction.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. Now I'm eager to get a new pet or something. Hem hem. And I think hoppy is not a word. Or is it.

i've got a theory

For the past few weeks, MakMak has been suffering from a writer's block. He had tried all possible means to overcome this by engaging in freewriting, brainstorming, automatic writing, chunking and other available means of seeking creativity and inspiration. Unfortunately, none of them worked. Now, MakMak believes that he can resolve this problem if he knows the root cause of this incapacity. What do you think is the reason behind MakMak's situation?

a) There's no deeper reason. It's just a writer's block, plain and simple. It happens to everyone. It'll probably end soon. In about seven years.

b) MakMak is just not pleased with the turn out of his writings lately. He believes that a writer should write about what he knows but that should not prevent him from going out of his comfort zone because he can always learn and experience new things. The cardinal rule of writing states that if your writing is too safe, do something dangerous. Thus, he feels that unless he does something dangerous, or at the very least new, then he won't be able to write anything worth a zit. And he hasn't done anything remotely dangerous for the past seven months. Loser.

c) MakMak is just too distracted for some reason. Hem hem.

d) MakMak is too lazy to develop and expound his subjects. It takes a lot of hard work to have a reasonably "read-worthy" entry (i.e. minimal grammatical and typo errors, inherently profound statements, etc.). If only he can get away with writing an entry like such:

*Sigh*. Curses to being a closing shift partner. Poor MakMak. :( Still smiling outside but totally tired on the inside.

Want a detailed story? Maybe next time. It's already freaking 1 AM. I'm just trying to fight the sleep I'm feeling right now. Ho Humm. Sorry for that. MakMak embarassed. Hihi. =)

Let's continue. I was allowed to be on the floor and I get to prepare 25 drinks tonight. Awesomeness, right? Good job MakMak. I thought it was all okay until we have to start closing. Then there was this couple who's not so good-looking who came in and ordered something so we have to prepare their food and then this not-so-good-looking couple decided to eat their food in the store. Oh geeze! Now we have to wait for them to go out before we can fully close. And it's like 11 na! I know that I look tired. I'm dizzy. I'm hungry. Poor MakMak. Good thing that April gave me a caramel bar earlier. Hugs April! Mwah! But I'm thirsty. But that was before because now I'm just sleepy. So I'll go zzz na ha. So long sweeties!

e) It could be bunnies.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. You won't get the bunny reference if you're not familiar with the musical episode of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer ("Once More, With Feeling"). Needless to say, you're probably living in another reality if you don't know who Buffy is.

wbt²

I STAY IN LOVE
Mariah Carey
E=MC²

Rating: A

Mariah Carey's success is attributed to her skills not only as a singer and songwriter, but as a producer as well. She is known to repeat formulas that has been proven successful like her work on the likes of Dreamlover, Fantasy, Honey, Heartbreaker and Loverboy. One should never mess with perfection. Most especially when the perfection is a career redefining single which broke numerous industry records, spent fourteen non-consecutive weeks on top of the Billboard Hot 100, gave her a multitude of awards and proved that the Voice is still relevant in this age when vocoders and synths might as well be on the cover of a smash single instead of the artist.

With I Stay In Love, the fourth single off her latest record, Carey tries to reach for past success as she attempts to recreate the critically-acclaimed ballad, We Belong Together. She gets her cry on with this break up song, much like the latter, only that she used a different set of words to express the same idea. And again, like with We Belong Together, the rapid fire verses, a trick she mastered with Shake It Off, are sung over a soft piano and production is kept at a minimum with the timed claps, once again highlighting the strength and rich texture of [layers and wonderful layers of] her voice. The only thing that distinguishes the two is that while We Belong Together sounds raw and genuinely heartfelt, I Stay In Love is as commercial as the next forty singles that Beyonce will release.

With that said, as much as I Stay In Love is a pretty good song it will be surprising if it will garner the same acclaim as that of its predecessor. Nevertheless, Mariah rarely misses with her ballads. Current polls even reflect that the song is indeed the favorite track off the latest record among fans and non-fans alike. I Stay In Love might never duplicate the success of We Belong Together, but it has a pretty good shot at turning the tide after the dismal underperformance of Bye Bye and I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time.

*******

If you dont' know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will. I really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel. It's a mistake if we just erase it from our hearts and minds.

only yesterday

Rather than taking a cab, I decided to walk instead. Walking has always been therapeutic. It soothes me whenever I'm distraught or in pain. My iPod normally plays a big part in this tranquilizing effect though. Also, the background music makes the act much more dramatic. It emphasizes that I'm in my own spotlight so for a brief moment, I am the star and everyone else are but hazy figures.

I can smile. I can cry. I can stop and let a few stray thoughts linger, all the while staring. Above, forward, behind. It doesn't matter. I can stare as if something, or someone is there to look at. Just like in movies, or TV shows when a character is supposed to be soul searching.

But mostly, I just try to get lost in the moment. Get lost in the music, whatever it is that's playing. And last night, my player decided to randomly play one heartbreaking song after another.

Like when I left my office last night, as soon as I stepped out of the building's doors the opening notes of Just So You Know played and I recalled a conversation I have had with a friend a few minutes earlier:

"I shouldn't love you but I want to. I just can't turn away. I shouldn't see you but I can't move..."

My friend asked, "Are you okay?"

"And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not. 'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop..."

"No. But I will be."

I sighed as I tugged on the strap of my bag before starting to walk. I made it through another block when I realized that a new song has already been playing:

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere..."

"I really, really, really, really want to smile," I said.

"Ayan o, ang ganda pa ng ngiti mo..." my friend replied.

"Am I making a big deal out of this?"

"No, I think... I realized that you really like A."

"Bakit pa kasi kailangan na may ganitong circumstance."

"Hay. How I wish I could answer that."

"Sasabihin ko lang naman - because we need to learn something from it. But honestly, right now, I'm tired of that reason."

"Haha. Go to the church na lang kaya?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I feel like I'll break down any moment."

"Hay. Just compose yourself. Find B and pasama ka sa kanya sa church."

"Meron po siyang class."

"Si Striker?"

"Pang-gabi po siya ngayon."

"Punta ako diyan gusto mo?"

"Wag na po. Na-bother ko na kayo ng sobra. I'll just take a cab. I'll be back to my usual self soon. Ako pa!"

But I've already walked a couple of blocks, and I can't still shake this feeling off. I was standing near the intersection of two busy streets when I realized that maybe I do need a friend.

"B."

I sent him a message knowing that he'll understand that I need to talk to him. I know he might not be able to respond immediately so I tucked my phone back in the bag. A part of me doesn't want him to reply. I don't want to be a burden to him, or to anyone else for that matter. But then again, I don't even know what I really want.

After a few seconds, I received a message. It was a forwarded quote from Jen: "In times you're sad about what's going on with your life, just remember one permanent fact - everything changes, tomorrow might be different."

I took it as a sign. It did make me feel somewhat better. I guess that's all that I needed. I hailed a cab and on my way home, I kept on telling myself that everything will be alright, all the while listening to LeAnn Rimes sing:

"I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to love what I cannot change..."

Before I went to bed, I vowed never to overdose on The Carpenters again. Their songs started it all. Aargh!

my only wish (this year)

Dear Santa Claus,

Hope you're having a good day!

I'm MakMak and I live in the great city of Makati. Of course that's in the Philippines, but I'll bet that you knew that!

This year I've been so good that I deserve another halo on top of the one that I already have. Pardon me if I won't be listing down the good deeds that I've done. It's not like I keep track of such trivialities. It's tacky to do that.

Anyway, just trust my word that I've been of my best behavior this year. In fact, I know I've been so good that I'm confident that you'll give me the gifts that I have accrued since I was fourteen. That was when you stopped giving me gifts through my mom or my aunt. I remember asking for a horse. And I know you saw how distraught I was when I didn't get that present the morning after. I was scarred for life. But it never stopped me from believing in you anyway.

I decided to send in my letter early to give you ample time to go through my list. I wouldn't want you using the lack of time, nor the impossibility of my wishes as reasons for the absence of presents underneath our tree this year. It's not as extensive as it looks because I've taken the liberty to cut it down to my most basic necessities. They're arranged based on importance, first being the most and last being the of utmost uber-importance.

1997. A Siberian Husky. I already have a name in mind.

1998. Toys! Haha. I want a new set of Lego, Taboo, a Nintendo DS (I want one in red) and a Nintendo Wii.

1999. The Complete set of the following novels: Gossip Girl, Harry Potter (hardbound edition), Stephen King's The Dark Tower. Also, I want a copy of the Never-Ending Story book - the one with the snake insignia on its cover. And while we're on the subject of books, you might want to add all the comic books on my pull list that I have failed to buy these past few months. I haven't been to Filbar's for the longest time because I've been busy (read: I'm cutting down on my expenses). Just ask Ate Ana of Greenbelt 1 branch for my stack. She'll gladly assist you.

2000. For Britney's "Circus" to be a legit hit. I want her to score a comeback ala Mimi's "Emancipation". And speaking of Mimi, I also wish that she gets four more #1 singles until 2010. This will guarantee her being the Artist Of The Decade again. I wish that Amy Winehouse would stop using crack. And finally, more good music from Lifehouse, Carrie Underwood, Jesse McCartney, Westlife, JoJo, Jon McLaughlin, LeAnn Rimes and The Corrs.

2001. The willpower to pursue my workout routine and diet. I don't want to wish to have a good body in a fingersnap. I want to earn it. Haha.

2002. I wish for the recovery of the US market as soon as possible. And I want Obama to win.

2003. Power/s! Flight, telepathy, telekinesis, teleportation, or Piper Halliwell's powers (she's the middle sister in Charmed) - any will do. Just think of the exponential increase in the number of good deeds that I can do.

2004. For everyone to learn tolerance and acceptance.

2005. An all-expense paid month-long vacation to the United States. I badly miss New York. And of course, I would love to visit my friends in California (somebody already promised to give me a tour of Los Angeles hahaha), my relatives in Chicago and Las Vegas, and Colorado. But if it's too expensive, I can settle for a two-week stay in Greece.

2006. For this crush to go away. Or blossom. Haha. Seriously. (I'm sure you knew how much I wanted to write 'pag-ibig' at 'pag-unawa' at the risk of sounding cheesy. And pathetic.)

2007. $10 Million. Haha. I can buy a lot of things, including true love with that. LOL.

2008. Good health, sucessful careers and a prosperous life to my family and friends. I love them dearly! Aw. I wish to be able to spend more quality time with every single one of them.

There you go! =) I know that you won't have a hard time with my list. They're pretty simple, yes? I don't want anything else this year except those mentioned.

I swear, that I'd be extra, extra, extra good if I get them this Christmas Santa. =)

Thank you so much and I asked my mom to leave hot pan de sal for you by the door because we don't have a chimney.

XOXO,


MakMak


POSTSCRIPT. You might probably receive the same letter for the next eleven weeks. It's not spam. I decided that it's probably better to send multiple copies to avoid you missing out on me.

terminal case of the block

You go to your favorite spot. The other favorite spot - the one by the window, not the one near the socket. You won't need a socket because you don't have your laptop with you. What you have though is your red pen idly resting on the table along with your handy notebook open to an empty page and a half-filled glass of Black Iced Tea with Strawberry Syrup, a new concoction recommended by Marky, the barista in lieu of the Passion Iced Tea you initially ordered.

After taking a sip from your drink, you take the red pen and started scribbling on the clean sheet. You stop momentarily as smooth, mellow Hawaiian grooves hit your auditory nerves:

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it. I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted..."

And for the next four minutes, you did just that. Melt.

But as the song fades, you are once more reminded why you are here. You take the pen and meditate. You try to come up with an original insight. You take another sip as you write down one idea:

"Summer 2002..."

after another

"If I told you how I feel about you, would you say the same..."

after another

"Could you ever think of me that way..."

after another

"... the sun always longs for something dark and deep".

And you sigh.

Two hours in the cafe and you came up with zip.

Precursors will always be just that, precursors. What you want is content. What you need is substance. That's what you're longing for. Clearly, your resolve is not enough when everything else is against you making that move.

You look around and see a group of giggling teenage girls, a twenty-something single guy busy jotting down notes on his review material, an old man whom you are sure is way beyond twenty-something slurping his coffee disturbingly, and a couple whispering sweet nothings to each other. Just when you mumble "kailan kaya", you realize that you are distracted. You know you can't blame them so you assess yourself. Obviously, something's amiss. You wonder if your research is not thorough enough even if you know that you have utilized all possible and available resources. You have analyzed the arguments, defined the terms, written down the reasons, pointed out pieces of evidence and looked for the strengths and weaknesses of your logic. Maybe you need to do those things all over again.

Whenever you decide to immerse yourself nothing happens. Like right now. You know you have picked the best idea but you can't seem to pin it down with clear assertion. Then you just want to scrap the thought, afraid that following through will just lead to failure. At the back of your mind you know that the second you do that, the moment you start second-guessing yourself, everything that you have established will fall apart. And you don't want that. You ask yourself, "what's keeping me from doing it?"

This is when it gets confusing.

You already know the answer. Do you really need to hear it out loud?

You finish your customized iced tea, pack your things, get up, walk out and put it on hold for another day.

Yes, this will take a lot of getting used to.