terminal case of the block

You go to your favorite spot. The other favorite spot - the one by the window, not the one near the socket. You won't need a socket because you don't have your laptop with you. What you have though is your red pen idly resting on the table along with your handy notebook open to an empty page and a half-filled glass of Black Iced Tea with Strawberry Syrup, a new concoction recommended by Marky, the barista in lieu of the Passion Iced Tea you initially ordered.

After taking a sip from your drink, you take the red pen and started scribbling on the clean sheet. You stop momentarily as smooth, mellow Hawaiian grooves hit your auditory nerves:

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it. I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted..."

And for the next four minutes, you did just that. Melt.

But as the song fades, you are once more reminded why you are here. You take the pen and meditate. You try to come up with an original insight. You take another sip as you write down one idea:

"Summer 2002..."

after another

"If I told you how I feel about you, would you say the same..."

after another

"Could you ever think of me that way..."

after another

"... the sun always longs for something dark and deep".

And you sigh.

Two hours in the cafe and you came up with zip.

Precursors will always be just that, precursors. What you want is content. What you need is substance. That's what you're longing for. Clearly, your resolve is not enough when everything else is against you making that move.

You look around and see a group of giggling teenage girls, a twenty-something single guy busy jotting down notes on his review material, an old man whom you are sure is way beyond twenty-something slurping his coffee disturbingly, and a couple whispering sweet nothings to each other. Just when you mumble "kailan kaya", you realize that you are distracted. You know you can't blame them so you assess yourself. Obviously, something's amiss. You wonder if your research is not thorough enough even if you know that you have utilized all possible and available resources. You have analyzed the arguments, defined the terms, written down the reasons, pointed out pieces of evidence and looked for the strengths and weaknesses of your logic. Maybe you need to do those things all over again.

Whenever you decide to immerse yourself nothing happens. Like right now. You know you have picked the best idea but you can't seem to pin it down with clear assertion. Then you just want to scrap the thought, afraid that following through will just lead to failure. At the back of your mind you know that the second you do that, the moment you start second-guessing yourself, everything that you have established will fall apart. And you don't want that. You ask yourself, "what's keeping me from doing it?"

This is when it gets confusing.

You already know the answer. Do you really need to hear it out loud?

You finish your customized iced tea, pack your things, get up, walk out and put it on hold for another day.

Yes, this will take a lot of getting used to.