westbound: weebee

"Made ya nervous, didn't I," the short, Hispanic-looking officer said cockily as he slid my papers on the table.

Dates make me nervous. Movements in the Billboard Hot 100 make me nervous. Gaining weight makes me nervous. This isn't any of those so I took my documents, paused for a moment and said, "Uhm... No."

Jerk.

I had a little trouble at the immigration. This just puts the cherry on the cake that is this whole trip. Homeland Security was questioning why I needed that span of time. I am hungry, sleepless and tired from an eleven-hour flight so I just handed the letter of invite. "You ask him," I said pointing out to the signatory at the bottom part of the paper.

He took the letter and went inside the room. I assumed he made the call, and got the answer that he wanted to hear that's why he stamped, signed and handed me back my passport when he got back.

This trip just won't quit hassling me.

Four hours earlier, I was looking out of the plane's window, amazed by the view of a range of snowcapped mountains. It was just breathtaking. It felt wonderful to have crossed the Pacific and have the opportunity to see how majestic this side of world is. The terrain is like a whole bunch of chocolate cakes partly covered with icy vanilla. Or just several clumps of land with humongous bird droppings at the top.

It was refreshing. I felt rejuvenated until that unfateful immigration incident. And now I'm back to being grumpy.

And also, I'm still hungry. I wanted to try something new so I ate at McDonald's. They have this chicken that tastes fantastic. It goes with a healthy serving of fries and refillable drinks. It costs around $6 if I'm not mistaken. If you convert it to our local currency, the large amount of serving would probably be enough to compensate for its steep price.

Anyway, the last leg of my itinerary is a two-hour flight to Washington, D.C.. Oh, and a thirty-minute ride to Gaithersburg, Maryland.

The flight was delayed for an hour (good thing there were so many eye candies), and the limo was nowhere to be seen when I left the airport. It came thirty past eight, with my surname flagged on its window. Just the welcome I needed. It would've been effective if there were still like tons of people, and if I were standing on a red carpet.

Driver's name was Patrick. Like the starfish. He made small talk about the city's climate, Obama and Oprah while I was busy keeping my lower jaw from dropping as I stared out of the car's window. Unfortunately, my mobile has ran out of battery so I wasn't able to take pictures.

But take my word, it was awesome.

And I'm glad that for the next few weeks, I'll be calling this town my home.

lucid interval

There is no question that we all think differently. After all, that's what makes us human, right? But no matter how different our views and perspectives are, the concept of right and wrong remains constant, or at least it should be.
- J, XOXO Gossip Boy series

*******

I would want to raise that the concept of right and wrong is relative. Again, with the "r" word. One person's wrong is another person's right and vice versa. It all comes down to opinion and perspective. Much like in our literature classes when everyone was asked to voice out their thoughts on the subject matter, and the professor would say that there's no such thing as a right or wrong answer. Well, the arts is rather flexible when it comes to its appreciation and comprehension.

But that concept doesn't stray from what happens in real life. And the question that we ought to be asking is - how do I ever know - what is really right, and what is really wrong.

I hate vegetables. No, I have a great dislike of vegetables (hate is such a strong word). I know I should eat vegetables and I know it is the right thing to do. Doctors, nutritionists, my parents and other people who has a concern for me would point that what I'm doing is wrong. Well, they are right but unless a dish is certifiably veggie-free then it won't ever come within four feet of my mouth. I am uncomfortable when my food has vegetables and I feel yucky whenever I try to eat them. So is it wrong that I feel that vegetables are eewness?

The music industry has undergone a great deal of revolution these past few years. The days of long playing records, cassette tapes and up to a certain point, compact discs are far gone. It's now all about digital downloads. Online retailers now offer a CDS for 99 cents, or an album for USD 13. But why spend that much when one could get it for free through Limewire, Torrents and other P2P sharewares. These free downloads usually equate to millions of losses on sales thus lower income for both the producers and the recording artists. But it's free right? The idea that digital music is intangible has made people forget that each MP3 is still copyrighted or licensed. Downloading is tantamount to walking out of a record bar carrying a record or two without stopping at the cashier. A big percentage of my MP3 collection were downloaded for free from the net since iTunes is not yet functional in the Philippines (I think) and come on, free is almost always better than shelving out PHP 40 on a song. Was I wrong in doing so?

I've turned down dates just because. It is wrong to judge people without considering their merits. And one wouldn't know the prospect's merits unless he or she gets to know him or her thoroughly. Through dating. But still, I politely turn some people down because (of my insecurities). Does it make me a horrible person?

I lie, sometimes. Everyone lies even if we all know the dogma that lying is innately wrong. But what if we had to do it for the benefit of say, the entire human species? Would it still be wrong?

See the solution is this - laws are made to act as the external measurement of right and wrong. But then again, laws are limited to governing principles that affect the civil society. And sometimes they can easily be corrupted. Not to mention, one-sided.

However, there are no laws that prevent us from ignoring or writing-off someone from our lives in a finger snap. There are no statures that would condemn fashion faux pas to prison or hell. And the law that prohibits a person from falling out of love has yet to be mandated by both any congress or nature. No law has ever protected us from being heart broken. (Well, technically there is but let's not go into that.)

Laws are based on the lawmakers' belief and perception of what is right and what is wrong. So basically it all comes down to one's moral standards.

And people have different moral standards. It doesn't matter whether something is right or wrong, what's more important is who deems so.

There is no question that we all think differently. After all, that's what makes us human, right? But no matter how different our views and perspectives are, the concept of right and wrong remains constant, or at least it should be.

Indeed, the concept does not change. However, the definition does to cope up with circumstances and sometimes, whims.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. I'm no debater and if I presented a rather weak, invalid and pointless argument, pardon me. It's two in the morning and I'm blogging instead of trying to catch up with sleep. But this is just too mentally stimulating to pass up.

westbound: eleven things in eleven hours

I lost my newly-bought fierce sun glasses at the Narita Airport in Tokyo, Japan. And we ate chicken nuggets at the local McDonald's (how thrilling). Those were pretty much the highlights of my three-hour stop over at their not-so-fabolous airport. I was expecting something better but I guess it just wouldn't match that of Hong Kong's. Anyway, we're headed to Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, Minnesota - our port of entry to the United States Of America.

I'm still seated along the exit row so I had a lot of room to move about. However, eleven hours is still eleven hours. My iPod, PSP, mobile phone and laptop all ran out of battery mid-flight so you can just imagine how bored I was. Very, very bored. Exclamation marks. To the nth power.

Sleep won't even come to me so I decided to just write down my would-be entries instead. But as my mind was floating, I could only come up with the following thoughts:

01. Airplane food smells the same - like freshly-baked hot pan de sal. Also, they taste bland. For a $2,000 flight, I was hoping for a caviar. Not that I eat caviar. I was just hoping to get food worth my ticket.

02. Everything looks better in good lighting. Found out that the lavatory of the plane has got the fiercest lighting. For several times, I've stayed there far longer than I should have just to take head shots. Cam whore.

03. Exit row seats are as good as the business class seats. What's better though are window-side, exit row seats. Oh yeah!

04. That is until the isle and galley become a park-of-sorts for the passengers after the first meal. It's annoying how they would hang out and talk loudly and do some stretches. Except for that Jason Castro look-alike who did all sorts of stretching in front of me.

05. Jonathan Rhys Meyer won't be annoying too if he did that. Thought his latest movie, August Rush was a bit too sappy though.

06. Irish accent sounds sexy and hot. I think its so masculine. And so does Scottish accent just like how the characters in The Water Horse sound.

07. A water horse makes for a good pet. I want one for Christmas.

08. Denzel Washington is a director. Something I didn't know, I didn't know.

09. I noticed that the requirement of having flight attendants with fierce beauty is only locally adhered to. Not that I'm complaining but maybe all airlines should have like a standard to follow. Other attendants are somewhat scarier than an angry water horse.

10. Any book that attempts to answer life's biggest questions like "how can I be truly happy" should be burned. The same should be done to books that advise against the intake of pork, finless fishes and tap water.

11. The air in Japan, United States and the Philippines feels the same. Or was I just too high when I landed? Hmm.

Disjointed much? Try flying non-stop for eleven hours.

Backtracking, when I had to pass through the metal detectors in Japan, I was asked to walk through the arch for four times because it kept on beeping. And I had to remove something metallic in my body each time I go through - my bracelet, keys, change from McDonald's, and my belt.

It wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be. Para na akong may sariling commercial eh.

*******

You never quit on your music. No matter what happens. Cause anytime something bad happens to you, that's the one place you can escape to and just let it go.
- Louis Connelly, August Rush

westbound: fierce

"Ano laman ng bagahe mo," the operator of the luggages x-ray asked as my bags passed through his machine.

"Ah, gamit ko," I replied with a great deal of sarcasm in my voice.

"Ano yan, me mga pabilin ba sa'yo," he followed up obviously not catching my remark.

"Damit ko lang laman niyan. Sino magbibilin sa akin?"

"Bagong bili?"

"No?! Where are you going with these questions," I blurted out as I picked up my things and walked away, not bothering to wait for his reply. It was pointless and he had already wasted more time than I would normally give a stranger.

In under twenty minutes, I managed to check my luggage in, pay the terminal fee, check with the local immigration and proceed to the departure area. Now comes the hard part, I have to wait for my departure which was like an hour and half away. I refuse to tinker with my iPod or my PSP or even with my mobile phone. This would be a day's worth of travel so I need to save my gadgets' power for when I get bored.

The flight attendant with the very DJ'ish voice announced that the plane is now ready for boarding. I picked a seat in the exit row so I can have more leg room. It will be a four-hour flight from Manila to Tokyo so I need to be really comfortable.

My seatmates were boring - I was parked between a big Caucasian and a big pain in the ass, so I chatted with the flight attendant during the flight. I like her because I can feel that she was genuinely friendly. I hope more attendants would be more like her - pretty yet definitely not a stuck-up.

Oh, there was also this male flight attendant who has this freakishly white skin. No, more like translucent since one can already see all the veins in his arms. I spent several minutes debating with Manolito if he was on Glutathione. Definitely. And to those those who are into broad-shouldered, tapered-waist, doe-eyed, translucent skinheads, they might say that he'd also fall under the pretty category.

Well, most of our local flight attendants are eye candies. Company policy must include an unwritten line like this - accept people with fierce beauty only.

you say tomato, i hear potato

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, I was asked to wait for my visa approval by the consul. I decided to sit on the opposite side of the make-shift divider so that I'll be able to monitor if the consul was really processing my papers. Turns out that it was passed on to an assistant so he can proceed to the next applicant. She walked towards the counter, handed her papers and waited for the consul's questions. Their conversation went like this:

Consul: So why are you going to the States?
Manang: Aym going to hab a bacation. It's aktwaly a gip from my payrents for my debu.
Consul: Alright. How long are you going to be there? Wait, says here you're still studying.
Manang: Oh, my summer skuling has ended na.
Consul: (Keeps silent for a moment.) What does your mom do?
Manang: Wat? Sorry.
Consul: Does she have a job?
Manang: She's jas a plain housewyp.
Consul: And your dad?
Manang: He's a retayrd soljir po.
Consul: So where did you get the funds for this trip?
Manang: (Nervously answers the question.) Ah... prom der sabings. My pamily have, has funds to gib me. My father has pension monthly. And prom the money he got prom his retayrment.
Consul: Even so. It won't be enough for this trip's expenses. I'm sorry but I have to deny granting you a visa.
Manang: Bat... (Composes herself while the consul gave the documents back to her) Tenk you.

And then she walked away. Sad. And just so you know, Manang looks like she had her debut four, five years ago.

*******

Last Thursday (Manila time), I told Manolito that his flight seat reservations were changed. He was annoyed big time. I qualified that it must have been a glitch in the system or something. So I volunteered to check if there's some way it can be corrected. But of course I didn't. I was the one who altered it in the first place. That's what he gets for proving us wrong in trusting him, time and again. He'll always be a selfish bastard. And I'm tired of hearing him whine and say that he doesn't want to go ahead with this trip anyway. Doesn't-want-to-go-ahead-this-trip my ass.

*******

A few weeks ago, I chanced upon a meeting of two old friends. Well, I just assumed they were old friends. Or at the very least, acquaintances. Guy 1 walked towards where Guy 2 was seated and asked how the latter was doing. Guy 2 said he was great but his voice could not mask that he was second guessing his answer. Politely he also asked how Guy 1 was doing. Their exchange of pleasantries lasted for barely two minutes and yet I'd bet that it felt a lot longer than that. It did to me and I was just a spectator. After this, both will think that it their unexpected meet-up went quite nicely. I'd say it was quite awkward.

*******

Whoever said that truth does not count but what's important is the matter of what is perceived to be true was a fool.

Truth is either black or white. It's the words that people use that mix shades of gray in the whole picture. More often than not, words become the instrument that men use to mask what needs to be covered up. Only our better judgment can help us in analyzing whether we should take everything in its context.

them boys migrate to where it's hot

I remember asking Jono, my older brother where we were going.

"We're just gonna hang out. Karl found this cool new..."

"... cool new bright spot," I finished his statement bluntly. "But mom said..."

"Yeah. Yeah," Jono gruffly cut her off slowing down to his sister's pace. "Mom said that we should never ever come near bright spots. But see my dearest sister, we just hang out several wings away from the bright spot. Close enough to see it but far enough to be safe."

I frowned. True, mom doesn't want us anywhere near a bright spot. But more importantly, mom doesn't want him to hang with Gabe. She doesn't say why though. And that's what annoys my brother.

Shortly, we saw the bright spot. It was indeed beautiful. Flickering. Dancing with streaks of yellow, blue and orange. And not further from the spot was Gabe who was seemingly mesmerized, busily gawking at the object.

"Heya Gabe," I cheerfully greeted him as I fluttered to his left as Jono landed on the other side.

"Look at that beauty amigo," Gabe greeted Jono while keeping his head aimed straight ahead.

"My sister Keri. You've met her." Jono introduced me as he walked to face his friend.

"Yeah, yeah. Man, get out of the way."

Rude much. I muttered.

"I just have to get closer. It's calling out to me." He added as he pushed my brother aside, spread his wings and fluttered aimlessly towards the bright spot.

Jono was alarmed as he saw Gabe take off. "What the... hey! Stop! What do you think you're doing?" He looked at me and said, "stay here!"

"... but,"

"Just stay there," he yelled as he flew, trying to reach him before the latter reaches the bright spot. "Gabe! Stop!"

But it was too late as Gabe was already half-a-wing away from the bright spot, oblivious to the danger that he's in. Gabe got careless and accidentally turned his back to the bright spot to look at my brother. And then it happened, his wing was grazed by the bright which spread out and consumed him.

Jono rushed to his fallen friend, all burnt and well, dead. My brother stared at me with a defeated look. He was about to fly back when this giant appeared and quickly swatted my poor defenseless brother.

It was heinous. And all I could do was mouth the prolonged version of the word no as I stare at his crushed, flattened body.

"That would be enough Jaq. You may now sit down. That was, an interesting way of re-telling the story. So unless anybody has a question..."

A student rose up and asked, "Professor, that legend has already been taught to countless generations. It may have been told in different versions like how Jaq chose to present it, nevertheless it carries the same moral lesson. And yet, how come many of our kind seem to neglect or discard it and prefer to get, what's the word, burned? Do we really need to feel or experience things first hand in order for us to understand how it is, regardless of how damaging it would be for us?" He paused for a moment, curled up his antennae and added, "isn't it right that the burned moth teaches best?"

*******

Image from the gallery of ~merpati of Deviantart.com.

how do i say this delicately?

"So did you pass your resignation yet?" I asked G as I tried to make small talk. We were the only ones left at the table as KC went to the wash room and PaulPaul and Jay went out to smoke. "I'm happy that you got what you've been wanting for so long. Excited na ako sa'yo."

"Hindi pa. Hindi nga ako masyadong excited eh," he said sounding a lot confounded.

And even though I already know the answer, I just had to ask, "Why? Dahil ba sa possibility that they would offer you guys redundancy?"

"Medyo," he answered nonchalantly.

Hay.

I took a sip from the bottle before I continued. "Do you know the story of The 99 Club?"

"Ano yun?" He asked wide-eyed, seemingly curious, just like how he usually is.

"There's this king who, despite his status, was neither happy nor content. One day, he came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked. The king was fascinated - he, the Ruler of the land was basking in gloom while this lowly worker is gleeful.

He just had to know why this servant was so happy. The worker said that he may be just a lowly servant but his family doesn't need too much - just the basic necessities such as a house and a complete meal every day. The king was not satisfied with this answer so he hurried to his most trusted advisor to seek their counsel.

After listening to the story, the advisor said that this was because the servant has not yet been made part of The 99 Club. In order for the king to fully understand, he suggested that he should place 99 gold coings in a bag and leave it by the servant's doorsteps.

This he did the following day. The servant saw the bag, took it inside and jumped for joy when he found out what was inside - gold coins! He laid them all out and began counting. Again. And again. Until he concluded that there were only 99 gold coins. And by this time, he was wondering where the last coin was - surely no one would leave just 99 coins.

He looked everywhere but that final gold coin was obviously hard to find. So he took it upon himself that he would earn it so that the bag would be complete. From that day on, his life has changed. He pushed himself to work a lot harder thus he started becoming grumpy. He also criticized his entire family for not helping him earn that 100th gold coin.

The king has witnessed this transformation and sought his advisor once more. The latter said that the servant is now a part of The 99 Club whose members thereof are those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented because they're always yearning for that extra 1."

It was a mouthful so I had to take another swig before I concluded my story.

"G, we can be happy even with very little in our lives. Don't let these circumstances make you want more. Remember that greed can be your downfall. Fate has already offered you her hand, and yet from how I see it, you're actually aiming to take her entire limb. I'm not here to judge you or tell you what to do, but just be conscientious. You can earn what you're expecting to be paid in what, two months time? Think it through. Fate has a funny way of giving us life lessons. Remember that. You've wanted this job for the longest time."

I ended just in time when the three came back.

And so the inuman went on.

dude, i wanna kick the dude out of you

I was applicant #2788.

I had no way of knowing what time it is. Or how long I have been waiting for my number to be called. Again. I'm not a big fan of watches and I'm really not in the mood to socialize with strangers at that moment to ask for the time. Especially not when I just experienced first hand what's it like to have a nagdidilim na paningin. Also, I was indoors so sundials are out.

I woke up at quarter to five in the morning. Skipped breakfast. Showered and dressed-up in under thirty minutes. Waited for a cab for another thirty - I was literally inabutan na ng pagsikat ng araw sa kalye.

I arrived at the embassy just in time. I fell in line, amused by the idea of how some people entrusted their electronic gadgets to the "safety deposit" vendors lined up outside the gates. Filipinos talaga. Tsk tsk. It's already highlighted in the appointment confirmation letter that electronic gadgets (such as but are not limited to mobile phones, iPods and MP3 players, cameras) are prohibited inside the embassy. So unless you have a car where you can temporarily keep those things, or you brought someone whom will safekeep your belongings while waiting for you - I think that one should just leave those necessities at home.

Pero marami pa rin ang pasaway talaga.

I was temporarily entertained by the cute baby held by the guy in front of me. He was cute, the baby I mean. I love babies. They're so adorable. Until they grow up. Sometimes, I wish that they'd stay in that form. Don't get me wrong though, I also love kids. Just not the annoying ones.

Anyway, we were asked to enter the pavillion where I had to wait for an eternity to get a number. It was like a line for a Metro Manila Film Festival entry, like Enteng Kabisote. Many Filipinos really want out of this country, or many are really capable of having a grand vacation abroad. Thus the #2788.

I also had to have my picture re-taken. It was a sabotage. I looked amazingly good in my first picture. Darn. Now, I won't be able to look at my visa without cringing. Just like how I cringe when I look at my passport.

After being stuck in Limbo for a few more years, it was my turn to be interviewed by a consul. I was hoping to be called by the person in window 6. He's a young, stern-looking, lanky guy. His mortality rate for applicants is high but I'll take the chance. But with my streak, I was called to window 11 who was manned by a fat, balding, very stiff guy. Great.

He asked, I answered. It was going okay. Definitely not great but it was okay. Until he demanded for a certification which I should supposedly have. I told him that the papers that I handed over were the only ones that I have.

"If you don't have that then I don't think I can give you the approval," he said.

"Then how come your colleague in window 9 approved my friend's visa? We both have the same documents with us."

"Then we might have to cancel his too. It might be a mistake on our part." He paused for a moment and wrote something on a Post-It. "Sit down and wait. I'll call you shortly."

I'm number 2788. So when number 2956 was called, I decided that I've waited long enough. "Shortly" means five to ten minutes, and not an hour and a half. It's like I was waiting for the second coming. And time was even slower because I had nothing to do but stare at other people's meaningless faces. Perhaps, things would've been different if I were feeling better. I hate waiting. I hate queues. So yeah, I'm in a bad mood so scoot.

So I stood up and headed to the 11th window.

"Can I just have my passport back? I don't care if you deny my visa. I just want to go home because I'm already tired and hungry," I said. And only after I blurted out those words (and seeing his reaction) that I realized how it came off as rude.

For a second I was scared that not only would he ban me from entering US, but more importantly, he'd call the guards to escort me out and forever banish me from the embassy.

"Just a few more minutes. Hold on."

It was all that he could utter a few seconds after what seemed to be a slow-motion dramatic dialogue between us.

Shortly, he called out my number and handed me the golden ticket.

I said thanks, went back to the pavillion and paid for the delivery fee, walked out of the embassy and hailed a cab home. The driver requested if I could add P40 to the fare because of the heavy traffic going back to Makati.

I'm too tired to argue. "Kahit magkano po kuya. Iuwi niyo lang ako."

At that moment, all I could think of was giving window 11 guy one mean spirit finger.

m'day (epilogue)

MORNING OF 7TH MAY, 2008.

Hapee Birthday, Marko! :D Please celebrate it with people you love and make this day count! You deserve it. :D
- Eleanor

*******

Thank you Eleanor.

Thank you for reminding me to spend time with the people who really matter.

I am so blessed to have them.

*******

Hey see you later. :)
- B

*******

Okie. See you two. :)
- MakMak, UNSENT.

tales from 155 riverside: m'day (interlude)

"Hindi ka ba magpupunta sa gym? Sabado ngayon ah." My mom asked as she saw me flipping through the Will And Grace DVDs on my shelf.

"Nah." I replied as I played the seventh episode of the series' second season. "Nuod tayo, Ma."

Why spend a perfect Saturday afternoon in a place that constantly reminds me the need to fit in when I could be cozy and comfortable at home, laugh our asses while watching WAG, be myself and bond with my dearest mother.

GRACE: Ok, here's the Thanksgiving menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll. What am I missing? Cake! We need cake.

WILL: Did you take a bong hit before you wrote that?

JACK: Hear ye, hear ye. The holiday shopping season has just begun. Here are your lists. I suggest you surprise me with the things that are in bold.

WILL: Oh, yeah. Speaking of surprises, we're gonna have a special guest for dinner tomorrow.

JACK: Is this where you guys try to be funny and tell me that Cher is coming? Well, it's not gonna work this time, ok? But is she?

GRACE: Come on, Jack. Cher hasn't eaten since the seventies.

WILL: Give you a little hint. It's someone that you love, but you don't get to see her very often.

JACK: Ok, I'm thinking Liza, but go on.

WILL: And she gave birth to you.

JACK: Ok...

WILL: It's your
mom, genius.

JACK: My mo--! How could y--! You're-- rotten!

Jack runs from the apartment to the elevator and presses the button.

JACK: Come on, come on, come on.

Will and Grace run after him.

WILL: Hey, woman on the verge. What's going on?

JACK: Will, I don't have the same relationship with my mother as you do with yours.

GRACE: You never picked out her brassieres?

WILL: We don't need that, thank you. Jack, she called here looking for you and only mentioned like 30 times that she had no plans. I thought I was doing a good thing.

JACK: The woman is a monster, and you clearly did this to torture me.

WILL: I did not! That was just an unexpected bonus, really. Where are you going?

JACK: I'm going to go uninvite her. Damn you, Otis! I'm taking the stairs!

WILL: Jack!

Jack runs down the hall.

WILL: What was that?

GRACE: I know. I don't think I've seen him this upset since they hired a female urologist at the free clinic.

I've never been a fan of Hallmark holidays. But on this occasion, I am reminded that I should be more expressive in showing my appreciation for my mom. I couldn't have asked for a better mother.

We may have petty misunderstandings every now and then...

GRACE: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.

KAREN: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

... but I know that in the end, it's in her arms that I'll always come back to.

m'day: for the boys

I got dragged by PaulPaul to join them for dinner at the Food Odyssey in LKG Tower. Dinner huh. More like another inuman if you ask me.

I just wanted to drop by the office to know the latest on the Manolito scandal. According to my sources, Manolito had caused a scene earlier, raising questions, altogether with his voice, fingers and eyebrows at each of my ex-colleagues. Too bad that I missed it. I bet it was hilarious. Though I think he'll say otherwise, "It's not pani".

Anyway, so yeah, I got dragged by PaulPaul. It was raining so we decided to stay indoors. The band was already setting up their gears. I thought that we were going to have a great musical Friday night. I was wrong. The MYMP semblance should have tipped me off. Bleeding eardrums, anyone?

Over a bucket of beer, red iced tea and some finger food we whined about work, aspired for better careers, debated on the morals of love and commitment, mocked Manolito, cheered for our friendship and celebrated life. And then Jay ordered for another round of drinks. And this time, I cannot say no to the bottle they handed.

It was past ten when we decided to call it a day. While on the elevator, I realized that this was probably our last get-together until say, the planned Singapore getaway in 080808. It saddened me for a moment but then again, I'm not much into the whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind principle.

Our lives have crossed because we were meant to learn something from this meeting. And if by chance that the time comes when we have to part ways, it's okay as each of us have already imprinted a mark in one another's memory. That's already a lifetime of companionship if you ask me.

KC and I were about to walk towards Greenbelt when PaulPaul called out and ran following us and said, "Mak, text ko sa'yo kung sino yung girlfriend ko ha."

"Eh. Wag na. Mawawala yung suspense. Sabay-sabay na lang kami." I replied smiling.

"Ayaw. E-mail ko na lang sa'yo bago ka umalis." He said as he nodded goodbye and ran back to Jay and Yen.

m'day: the girls from ues

"May asim ka pa pala Eleanor." Jela said as the four of us tried to supress our laughter. A chinito water had just asked for her number saying that his colleague was smitten by her. Talk about being indiscreet.

"Ma'am pwede po bang makuha yung number niyo? Nagandahan kasi sa inyo yung kasamahan ko pero nahihiya lang lumapit." He said while handing a pen and a piece of paper to Eleanor.

I almost choked on the choco-lava cake that I'm munching on when I heard him. I want to tell him off with the line, "can't you see that she's already pregnant".

Good thing Eleanor politely declined. With that, the cute guy left. Sad.

A few seconds later, an older waiter came asking if Eleanor had another card as her Citibank was declined. Weird.

We've been doing this for the past three years - hanging out, having dinner get-togethers, COCs (chismis over coffee), doing karaoke and other whatnots - and whenever we're short of cash, we use our cards (we have a tendency to really splurge). Whomever has an available balance that is. And this is the first time that a card of ours has not been honored.

Must be a technical error. Or something.

In any case, I don't mean to mock the cute waiter but that incident gave us something fun to remember that night.

I probably won't be coming back to Cyma, even if their tap water tastes so damn good. I don't find their food worth the steep prices they charge. Good thing that it was the girls' treat. But with the cost, effort and time I spent for the new outfit I had for that occasion, I'd say it was just a break-even.

Next time, I'll just have to suggest that we stick to our usual resto - National Sports Grill or Chili's, or just settle with a coffee at Starbucks, Greenbelt 1.

Those are the places that we came to declare as our home in the midst of this busy city. And the girls, they're like a mix of the older and younger, mean yet nice sisters that I never had. Together, I feel like we're untouchable.

m'day: the other b and s

It was an ordinary Wednesday night, seven days till the next pay day and yet Aveneto Pizzeria Ristorante (friggin' mouthful) was packed with its patrons.

I sat on the couch with my laptop neatly placed on the half-prepped table as I waited for my friend and his buddy. I was trying to come up with a blog entry, or at least pretending to tinker with characters and numbers, all the while observing the people around me.

It's one of my weird hobbies, observing people. That's why I asked a waiter if I may be seated at the table by the window side - it's more interesting to watch the dynamics of the "outside" world, make up tiny thought bubbles as strangers pass by and all that. Yep, strangers fascinate me.

There's a certain irony that I don't feel like a stranger when I'm with a bunch of people whom I barely know. Perhaps because each one of us feels exactly the same way that it becomes our commonality.

However, the waiter politely told me that unless I was with a certain Ophelia then the answer would be a "no". Fine.

So I settled for the one with couches. At least the three of us will be comfortable while we eat, make pleasantries and really catch up.

I felt the need to convince the other customers that I was really waiting for someone and that we would actually dine there so I ordered my drink. I had Coke. The non-light type. It was my birthday. I want to indulge.

After a minute or thirty, the two arrived carrying their pasalubong from some place far-North. Sweet. I swear I had a Post-It on my mirror reminding me to bring the keychain from Palawan for B.

And there was S, in the flesh. He's nice. A very pleasant person. Amiable. I like him for B. Not that B needed my approval. But I'm glad that they're together. He's happy and he deserves to be.

Anyway, our dinner consisted of french fries, a platter of sea food pasta and a medium-sized bacon something-something pizza. And we feasted as we talked about their spelunking experience, the difference between natives and locals, blogs and bloggers, my birthday, and other things that formed part of our segues. Everything was spontaneous and fun and real.

We just had to have coffee.

So off we walked to Greenbelt 3 but the coffee shops were already full. B suggested that we head to Coffee Bean Convergys instead. Dude's perception of space is way altered.

We decided to hang out at the Starbucks in Insular Life since it's much closer to the main avenue. We sat at the corner nook and resumed our talk. While B was in the counter, S grilled me about ****. Seriously.

"Wala naman. I'm sure alam mo naman na yun. Nakukuwento na sa'yo ni B yun," I said smiling. "Kaya nga nahihiya ako actually na i-meet ka kasi marami ka ng alam sa akin kahit hindi pa tayo nagkikita."

"Ako din naman," He said returning a smile.

Fair enough.

As I finished my tea, and marveled at how, for lack of a better word, cute the two was while they were talking - like they were in their own little world.

It was getting late so we bid our goodbyes. I hailed a cab and headed home. And before I slept, I sent a thank you message to them both for the fantastic night.

I've never felt more sure that I've found real, good friends in B and S.

m'day (prologue)

ONE YEAR AGO.

It was already past ten and we were still in the office. The rest of the Hong Kong team was eating their dinner while I was sulking, gazing at the now-empty streets of Queen's Road. Weeknights in Hong Kong are really dull. Or I was just miserable.

I'm with two of my peers from Manila. Given that I've only known them for seven months but I feel like a real stranger, an outcast if you may.

It was my birthday and I was alone.

That night, before I slept, I prayed and hoped for something better next year.

*******

PRESENT.

Hi Mak! Happy Birthday! :D Don't be so sad ha, enjoy your special day. There are a lot of things to be thankful for, sometimes we just don't recognize them. And I'm sure that in His time, He'll give you your heart's desire. Happy Birthday friend! I'm just here okay? Busy-busyhan minsan but I'm just here. ;) :*
- Jen

*******

24 HOURS EARLIER.

It was the first chance that B and I had a talk since he came back from his vacation with S. We chanced upon discussing some recent personal events which eventually led to a sort of "tampuhan". Well on my part anyway. He says I'm too sensitive. I think otherwise.

I resigned to the idea that I just have to be miserable all throughout the week. Be it my birthday or not.

Before I slept, I sent him a message that I don't think it will be a good idea to push through with our dinner plan for the following day.

i'll meet you on your birthday

This is hard,
Harder than I thought it would be.
But let me see if I can write
Something simple, something true.

Words are my ally. But they fail me
At times. Like now.
I lay no claim to know them wholly
But I have a lifetime, to appreciate
Them in their entirety.

But they fail me
At times. But I have learned to wait
Unquestioning. Until they flow back,
Just in time when thoughts
Are ready to be penned and colored.

Words are my ally. (Sometimes, I do feel that
They're all that I have.) It is only through
Them that I can bare my soul
Without the fear of being judged.
They wait day by day, to bask in my glories
Or comfort in my fallings. Or actually
Knock some sense when I'm crazy.

And in these lie the irony that words
Fail me at times. It never did.
I don't think it will.
Don't ask me why. It's just something I know.

Many are meant to be said but 'tis
Only few that are actually expressed.

I have written my truth.

Trust my word.

Today you shall read this
And know it was written for you.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. I am a bit too sensitive at times but at least I'm just being true to myself and to you. Sorry na ha!!?? ^^

xoxo

It was my mobile phone's message alert that woke me up this morning. Still half-asleep, I reached for my unit and attempted to read the SMS.

"Another update from Gossip Girl," I mumbled as I scrolled through the message:

Maputi, CPA at nasa New York daw ngayon - yun ang nabanggit daw kay Petra. Kaya eto namang si Petra ang naisip is si Jaypee. Single ba yun? Nakita daw sila na magkasamang umalis pagkatapos nung party niyo dati. Tapos may tumawag daw kay G nung gabing yun, hinahanap si Jaypee - nagpakilala na asawa niya.

I sighed as I realized how this has spiraled out of control.

It was only last Monday when I was made aware of the latest scoop by Gossip Girl. She sent me a teaser message but I can tell from her tone that she's slightly hesitant to fully disclose the supposed information. It was about a close friend's current situation.

Gossip Girl: Me alam ka ba?

MakMak: Marami akong alam pero hindi ko alam kung pareho tayo ng tinutukoy.

Gossip Girl: Tungkol kay *****. May nakukuwento ba siya sa'yo? Alam mo ba kung meron siyang boyfriend?

MakMak: Alam ko me boyfriend siya, matagal na. Pero hindi ko naman inuusisa kasi hindi naman siya nag-o-open up tungkol doon. Hindi naman ako intrimitido.

This text conversation went on intermittently for days because Gossip Girl was second-guessing her decision to spill it out. The news was getting stale so I told her Thursday night, that it was okay, that I didn't need to hear it anyway. Not until my close friend is ready to share her issue.

That was when she cracked. Nobody could ever stand not being wanted to be heard.

As always, my initial guess was correct so it was a bit anti-climactic. She added that she was just worried about our friend. Considering the circumstances and other elements at play, Gossip Girl expected ***** to be better. I just told Gossip Girl that whether it was true or not, we should just be supportive. I highly believe that being in this situation at this crucial time was the last thing on her mind. And it doesn't make her much less of a person than any of us.

And now, another friend has been dragged in the drama. So I decided to step in just to clear, at the very least, another name.

MakMak: Okay, first Jaypee is not married. It was his girlfriend who sent G a message. Anyway, Jaypee did leave with ***** that time. But I was with them. The three of us initially wanted to go home but since it was still early, we decided to hang out at Blue Wave. We ate at Chowking, Jaypee's treat and stayed there for at least two hours. After which, we dropped off Helena at her place. It was I who went home with Jaypee. Hehe. Joke. ^^

More often than not, idle talk or gossip causes more harm than good because of the high possiblity of the story to contain errors, exagerrations, and other variations from the original information.

Gossip Girl: Ganun ba. Wrong information pero yung nga, may girlfriend nga ata siya. Baka nga hindi si Jaypee. Hay, kawawa naman si ***** if ever lalo na si *****-***.

Given *****'s condition, it will be impossible for her not to be gravely affected should this rumor reach her. I cannot fathom how damaging this is but loosely basing on similar experiences, hurtful words tend to not only get through one's defenses but it can also cripple one's morale.

Words. Tsk, tsk.

They're like guns, they're much more dangerous when left in the hands of the ignorant and malicious.

MakMak: Yeah. Just be supportive. She's a fighter - she'll get through this. She deserves to be happy.

Hey, if words can kill and break, then it can heal and mend.

After a few seconds, my mobile phone alerted me once more of an incoming message. I thought it was from Gossip Girl.

It was from Globe. My Unlitext has already expired.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. The name Gossip Girl is not meant to fully characterize the person I've had the discussion with in this entry. She's also a very close friend of mine. And she should not be judged as a gossipmonger. As mentioned in the post, she was just concerned for our friend's welfare. I just deemed the tag appropriate for the topic.

downpour

I'm gonna smile because I deserve to.
- Leona Lewis, Better In Time

*******

When I let go, I choose to let go of everything.

Clinging on even to the tiniest bit of the past will only hold a person back from facing reality, and more importantly, facing his or her future. It is a good thing though that people, unlike memories, can drift apart immediately. It saves us the hassle of bidding farewells.

*******

I believe that every soul has a proper place, that our fate is somewhat predetermined and that there is almost nothing we can do to change its course. What is frustrating is that most of the time, we get stuck in a situation that is completely out of our grasp.

And should the situation go haywire, people often sugarcoat the failure. However, by doing so, we tend to overlook the probable good that might come out from that circumstance.

Not all things can turn out the way we want them. But it's really up to the person how he would perceive and accept such incidents into his life.

*******

The past years have taught me that life is not fair and it is somewhat one-sided; and if life is a journey then pain and loss are its inevitable pit stops.

I am not bitter rather, I just want to show that everyone has to feel the storm to appreciate the sunshine. Let us conquer our past by creating a perfect future, or whatever passes for perfection.

It maybe a cliche but I still believe that after every storm, eventually, a rainbow appears.

*******

Words can never bring me down. It never did and it never will.

if time can kill and time can break

BETTER IN TIME
Leona Lewis
Spirit

Rating: A-

Conquering both sides of the Atlantic with her stone-groove single Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis continues her career breakthrough with her second effort, Better In Time.

Originally released as a double A-side 2008 Sports Relief single with Footprints In The Sand in UK, Better In Time is perhaps the best track off Spirit. It boasts of a breezy, light and upbeat radio-friendly sound which is somehow, unsurprisingly, similar to the likes of the numerous smooth R&B ballads by Mariah Carey - the diva whom Simon Cowell bravely compares her to and blatantly sets her career trajectory after. It's like Always Be My Baby - it has this rich, feel-good quality that nearly makes it impossible to remember that the song is actually about breaking up.

Even with its likeness to a pop gem such as the aforementioned Carey single, I highly doubt if Better In Time has the quality to transcend generations. And truth be told, it is a rather weak attempt for a follow-up to something as original as Bleeding Love. But what's sadder is that Better In Time is actually the best that Spirit has to offer.

*******

Going coming, thought I heard a knock. Who's there, no one. Thinking that I deserve it. Now I realize that I really didn't know. If you didn't notice you mean everything. Quickly I'm learning to love again. All I know is I'm gonna be okay.

every story has a beginning

We tend to lose things by misplacing them or by letting them go or even by unconsciously discarding their worth. Sadly, we could only appreciate them after they are gone. It is common to overlook what is near by keeping our eyes fixed on something remote.
- Shatterstar, Feels So Good (published 2003)

*******

I love writing. I've enjoyed it as far back as my elementary days when the English teacher would request the class to write on our theme-writing notebook. When everyone else would whine, my pen would seemingly take a life of its own as my thoughts on the subject would seamlessly flow from its point to the pad. However, I've never considered it as a passion. It was done for purely academic reasons.

It was only later on that I realized that writing is a part of my life. That it is actually bigger than my school marks. It is me.

It is with this that I've come to terms that I am indeed a writer.

*******

Having a personal column is one of the many perks of being a part of the editorial board of our college paper. Admittedly, it is one, if not the single most important factor that drove me to pursue editorship.

That and the elevator pass.

It is everyone's dream to be heard. Unfortunately, not everyone has that privilege until the proliferation of blogs.

Not only did it become a medium of self-expression but it has further evolved into an avenue for social networking. And only time can tell if this is indeed something positive.

*******

"It feels like everything's gonna be alright whenever he's around."

These were Lord Iynah's words when she announced my position during our turnover back in April 13, 2002. Looking back, it is the best compliment a person could wish to be given with. Even I don't know how anyone could ever top that.

Until I remembered a friend's parting words late last year -

"Anyone who has your time should consider himself lucky."

His statement have had a tremendous impact on my then-dwindling morale. Indeed, time is the best thing that a person could offer to someone. Since learning its value, I never wasted it on mediocrity.

departure: doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore

It was on this very day last year when I stepped foot in Hong Kong. It was my first so my semblance of being a third-world kid gazing open-eyed at the marvel that is the Hong Kong International Airport is forgivable. I have been like that since I boarded the aircraft - taking pictures of the clouds and whatnots even when the attendants told the passengers not to use their mobile phones during the flight. I was half-expecting to see a gremlin on the wing of the plane (thanks to the Twilight Zone movie, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet for the fantastic memories).

Going back. Yes, the HKIA is really awesome. And big. And clean. Though I have to reserve judgment for Hong Kong itself. For the number of times I've been there, I have yet to say that I've had the chance to fully explore the islands. More so, enjoy my stay there.

Sure, I've managed to have a short tour of the infamous shopping area (wherein I bought this huge leather mailman's bag), drank iced tea at some local bar (I haven't consummated my relationship with beer that time) and ate a freaking duck at a restaurant aptly called Canteen. But I could've done all of those here in Manila.

The thing is, I wasn't entirely happy with my entourage. Let's call them that. Don't get me wrong, we're all pretty civil and to a certain degree, friendly. The self-induced tension was probably from the pending (now non-current) issues I've had back then. And if I were given the choice, I would have opted to stay in Manila than join them in Hong Kong.

We were asked to return on my birthday. Turned out that it would be one of the memorable birthdays I've had. And it wasn't memorable in a good way. The entire trip sucked so bad that it felt like one long Sunday. I've never felt more alone in my life.

Yes. It was all about who I'm with. Would it have been different if I were, say, with Jasmine Trio or Pinay or Mommy Len? I'd say yes. I bet it would have been better by miles.

I'm a sentimental person. And that Hong Kong trip was short of being a milestone in my 24-years of existence. I've had a lot of firsts on that occasion - first flight, first stay at a four-star hotel, first out-of-country travel, first time to eat at a foreign branch of McDonald's and first time to see my future partner (Aw. Cute sales person sitting near our area.).

Sadly, I wasn't able to spend it with the people who matters most to me. When I got back home from that first Hong Kong business trip, the first thing I did was to send a message to my closest friends that should we be able to go to Hong Kong as a group, I would consider it as my first. Things just weren't the same without them there.

Coincidentally, earlier I bid farewell to the Manila office once again. But this time, I highly believe that it's for good. It may not be a "first" for me but it still counts as an important personal event - it is my last day with the company which for eighteen months (my longest) I've considered as my comfort zone, my fourth home.

Today, I wanted to be surrounded by people who matters most to me. Or at least those whom I can feel that certain level of comfort - I've tried to find it among my colleagues and friends but alas I can't. They're great, excellent people by the way. And they're just probably busy and all to notice my departure.

And tonight, for consolation, I shall sleep thinking that they'll never miss their water until it's gone.

And I mean, really gone.

i don't know what's gotten into me (but i kinda think i know what it is)

When you meet the someone who was meant for you, before two can become one there is something we must do.
- Amy Adams, True Love's Kiss

*******

I was supposed to tell of the story of how I drank my first beer but this one's a classier tale - the "almost kiss" story of Ted and Victoria.

Ted and Victoria met at a wedding. He was immediately smitten by the charm of the pretty woman. Before agreeing to spend the wedding with him, she warned Ted that she doesn't hook up with people on weddings as the romance of the moment isn't real. The two agreed that they would not exchange contact information or each other's full names. With a bouquet and champagne, the two proceeded to the hotel's ballroom wherein Victoria danced to the accompaniment of Ted's piano. After the dance, the two sat at the piano bench and almost kissed. Victoria pulled back saying that the night has been wonderful so far and a bad kiss would ruin the romance of the evening. Instead, she suggests that they just "almost kiss" – because the exciting parts of the kiss are the moments that lead up to it.

According to Wikipedia, kissing allows prospective mates to smell and taste each other's pheromones for biological compatibility. Thus, being the pinnacle, the make-or-break point for couples who are on the verge of being together. Well most of the times anyway. Simply put, if you want to know if he really loves you so – kiss him. Girl got it right with her Shoop Shoop Song.

Because the exciting parts of the kiss are the moments that lead up to it.

The moments that lead up to it.

Those are the things that should be cherished. When the collective are at the edge of their seats, holding their breath, silently waiting for that Aww moment. That perfect time for everyone to say Aww, just like how there is that perfect time for the hand clap as seen in Can't Hardly Wait. Never mind if the kilig factor is just short of being super cheesy. Moments like these call for uber-cheesiness. And those who say otherwise are just in denial of being romantics.

Now why some people just jump straight to the lip locking part, I don’t know.

I'm guilty of that. Blindly but bravely, I charged head on, thinking that I've got nothing to lose – that it's better to just get it over with this early than keep it to myself and suffer and yearn in silence.

In reality, I missed that "almost kiss" because of I panicked. That hypothetical "almost kiss".

It feels like I've been doused with a bucket of cold water. It seemingly pierced beyond my skin however, it did wake me up.

I still don't regret it though. It's just sad that it feels like I've robbed myself of a possibility. And just to be honest, I slightly feel bad about it. I don't know why exactly.

But – everybody now – we learn from our experiences.

The lesson is not yet clear at this point but all I know is that this incident is not enough to stop me from being hopeful for that ever after. Aw.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. Had I known that this would happen, I should have made that kiss for real.