languishing

Here I am skimming through these familiar pages all night, trying to find where I went wrong, where I screwed up the whole story. But it feels like I'm looking and thinking in circles while the numbers on my digital clock are racking up more minutes and seconds. The entire world is moving forward while I remain still, and silent. My tired hand dragged the pages to everywhere and nowhere. My more tired mind wondered to thoughts of you, and more of you and me. My heart is now a gaping vacuum that is both heavy and empty at the same time.

"Ganyan kahirap if the person you like couldn't like you back the same way."

I never asked for reciprocity. It was hope long abandoned. Forgotten? Perhaps, not. At the very least, I beseeched for respect but it would be moot at this point. We've been at this before and I would have thought that I'd learn a lesson or two by now. I didn't but neither did you.

"I know nice siya pero di siya worth it."

Fear of rejection keeps it inside, they say. I wanted to prove I was never afraid so the admission happened. I was all set for you to turn and walk away. I was ready to close another chapter.

"Insulting yung hindi pagsagot. Ginawa na niya once, tapos uulitin pa. How can you be friends with somebody who doesn't respect or consider your feelings?"

But I was never given anything but this empty silence, when I would rather have you shoot me down in flames. Rather that, than this. This is torture. This is pain. My dear friend, you are breaking my heart slow by making me feel like I don't even matter one bit, that I am irrelevant and I need not be acknowledged.

"Seriously, ilang gabi, araw, buwan at taon ang nasira dahil diyan. I hope one day mag-decide ka na lang na mag-move on at wag na magpaapekto sa mga actions niya. Napatunayan mo naman na kaya mo pero di lang matuloy-tuloy."

So spare me this night. Allow me to grieve one last time - for the old me and these pages. They seem too torn to be mended anyway. I tried. I really did.

In a minute, I shall be starting a brand new chapter. Hopefully, one that is better than the last.

*******

I can't wait to break through these emotional changes, seems like such a lost cause.
- Mariah Carey, H.A.T.E.U.

oh shit!

I'm really not a spontaneous writer. I conceptualize. I pick my words carefully and lay it out one after another to form not just a picture, but a melody as well. It is a cohesion of thoughts that aim to convey a message that are more often than not, esoteric. But let me try this for a change.

In a few months' time, I will be celebrating my birthday. This year, I decided to do throw away things that I no longer need. I've never been one to practice such as I tend to keep things – junk of all kinds, and hold onto them like they're the most precious commodity in the world. But I feel like my life's been a little too cluttered lately so maybe a little clean up here and there to make room for fresh air and what not could probably do me some good.

But before that let me tell you about yesterday's lunch. Per usual, I was with the dearest officemate. She asked where I wanted to eat. I told her I want to try this certain eatery for a change. Concerned, she asked if I was sure given my dental braces. As we were about to walk in, I told her I'll be fine.

"After all, it's just meat that I'll be chewing..." Then I saw an oh so familiar face and during that short span of time in uttering the following word in my statement, I thought to myself – What the heck!!! Universe, seriously?! Come on! Why do you have to do this?! Crossing paths, not funny! I looked around and saw that the only available table is the one adjacent theirs – Again, not funny – I added, before finishing my sentence, "...not steel. But you’re right. Let's go somewhere else. Let's go to Greenbelt."

And that is how "Shit!" happened. On Twitter, anyway. But let me clarify this, I am in no way mad at anyone, not especially at you. I just need distance and time. Distance and time.

Going back to the things that need to be thrown away which is definitely not entirely related to yesterday lunch's story. At the top of the list – people who are full of shit. I am sick and tired and sickly tired of dealing with the likes of you every fucking day of my life, or at the very least, every so often. I don't need you. Any other day, I can and I will tolerate your idiosyncrasies. In spite of this, know I'm always one step ahead of you. Don't use me to further some agenda of yours. Don't say this and then do the other. Don't mess with my head. Today's not a good day, I am telling you. I trust my instinct, which is acutely accurate by the way, so I know what you're doing. I can see right clear like you're bathing in Windex.

Oh, oh, oh.

I can sense another story coming up. This time, it's between two close friends who were having a conversation about birds, with one side trying to defend the birds from the other who was just expressing his genuine concern, albeit with the wrong choice of words, for his friend. The discussion ended up with a temporary fall out because that's what friends do – they talk and argue. They exchange hurtful and helpful truths. They accept valid points, they make up and then they end up with a much stronger foundation. The two settled things soon after for they both know that sometimes, time and further silence kills. But man, it must have been some hell of a bird to stir up such a commotion.

Whew. Free writing is fun. Perhaps, I should do this more often but then again, the last time I did something like this, I ended up hurting someone. But that was intentional.

day 542

"Masaya ako kapag kasama kita."

Parang yung sa pelikula lang, di ba? Naalala ko pa nung pinakita yung trailer niyan sa isang pelikulang pinanuod natin. Nakakakilig. Natatawa lang ako at naisip ko lang ngayon na parang ganun lang ata yung dating ng huli kong mensahe sa'yo... na di mo na nasagot.

Pero ayos lang. Totoo naman yun. Para lang yung sinabi ko nung nabanggit mo na ang dali-dali kong mayaya na lumabas.

"Eh bakit pa ako magpapaligoy-ligoy kung alam ko naman na gusto ko at mag-eenjoy din ako."

Sagot ko yan sa iyo. Kung wala rin lang naman akong ibang lakad, eh di oo na kaagad. Pero kahit may iba akong lakad, malamang napapayag mo pa rin ako. Isa ka sa mga taong mahirap kong tanggihan eh. Sigurado ako, napansin mo naman yun.

Mabuti nga at masaya yung mga huli nating lakad. Tulad nung tumambay tayo sa coffee shop para magpalipas ng oras. Napagkwentuhan natin yung tungkol sa fairytale romances. Nabanggit ko yung pangarap kong istorya – yung tipong nagsimula sa pagiging mabuting magkaibigan hanggang sa maging sila. Naibahagi mo yung sa'yo at nakinig naman ako, pero ang nasa isip ko lang nun ay ang ganda nga ng mata mo, ikaw ang fairytale ko at ang saya siguro kung maging tayo.

It was one of the best days I've had this year. Even better than the time we watched a musical. Kahit pa sinabihan ako ng kaibigan ko na I seemed happy and I was glowing. It was already a given. I'm always like that when I'm with you.

We have this chemistry that I can't find in anyone else. It's almost like magic. You were the friend I've always wanted. There couldn't have been a better time for our paths to have crossed.

Remember that day you visited me at Boni High? Umuulan na nung natapos yung shift ko and we had to share one umbrella habang umiikot sa strip in search of a place to eat. We ended up at Friday's and we talked and ate and talked a whole lot more. I found out that we have a lot in common. Ecstatic, I remember thinking, "You're a really cool person to hang out with." Suot mo pa nga yung paborito mong hoodie that time. Wala lang. Bigla ko lang naalala.

It was the start of what would be a countless series of bonding sessions – sine, aral, kain at kape. Araw-araw. Pagkatapos ng opisina. Weekends. Makikiramay sa pagpupuyat para lang makakwentuhan ka pa ng mas matagal.

Everything was cool until that fateful day, but you already know that part. Oh wait. You don't. Anyway, to make the long story short, let's just say that you were the song that I never intended to hear.

Ang dami ng nangyari between then and now. Pero ito, tayo na naman ang magkasama nitong mga huling araw. I went out with you thinking that it would be okay, that I have moved on. But I was wrong.

"Bakit ka pa bumalik?" Isa sa limampung tanong na gusto kong masabi sa iyo. I was doing fine but you pulled me back in when you walked back into my life. But you coming back made me see what I have been looking for, what I have been missing all along. You, being my ray of sunshine. You, the brilliance that I see even with my eyes closed. "Pero bakit hindi?" When all I ever wanted was to take your hand and tread on life's road together. "Anong kulang?" Hindi ko maintindihan.

Nasasabihan na nga ako ng gago ng mga kaibigan ko dahil sa ginagawa ko. Pero ganun talaga. Gago na kung gago. I know they're just looking out for me and hindi ko lang din maipaliwanag ng mabuti kung ano ang nakikita ko sa'yo na hindi nila makita.

Pero these past few days had me thinking, and just last night reality caught up with me. Mahirap pala talaga magkagusto sa taong di ka gusto. Masakit. It's something that I haven't really felt or probably acknowledged for the past year or so. Kaya kagabi kulang na lang ay iuntog ko ulo ko sa pader para matigil ako sa pagiisip at sa pagdaramdam. Gustuhin ko man pero di ko magawang magalit sa'yo. Ang hirap hirap. Naging cycle na ito and it's probably time that I fold.

I'm not giving up on you because I no longer want you. You'll always be my idea of love and that's probably the reason why you and I met in the first place – you were to be the definition of who I want to be with. But I need to do this to save whatever's left of us. "To more years of harmonious friendship," you wrote on my birthday card. I'm doing this for that. Ours is too precious, too rare to forsake.

Siguro balang araw, buwan o taon mula ngayon, magkakasalubong ulit ang landas natin. Hindi naman na bago yun sa kuwento nating dalawa. At siguro sa panahong iyun, totoong handa na ako na maging kaibigan mo lang.

Pero sa ngayon, hayaan mong ako na lang sumagot sa mga sarili kong katanungan. Iisipin ko ang mga pinakamasaklap para tuluyan akong makalimot. Iisipin ko na kung hindi man ikaw, balang araw, mahahanap ko rin yung magsasabi sa akin ng walang pagaalinlangan ng,

"Ako rin."

if it's not rough, it isn't fun

Yesterday, I learned how to play poker.

Gracie brought out her set and together with Striker, she guided me through the game play. While catching up, they interjected and introduced terms like the dealer, the small blind and big blind, the flop, turn and river in the conversation.

"Study your opponents so you can figure out what they're thinking," she said. "Expressions give away your thoughts. Hence, the word 'poker face'. The more confident you are, the more likely you'll be harder to read."

Striker then dealt and handed our pocket cards. "You can't change the hand you were given." he said referring to the two cards on my hand. "But it's entirely up to you how you want to play them." So they showed me how to check or bet, or when to raise or call the ante, and even when to bluff and risk.

"And place smart bets," Gracie reminded me. "If your cards suck, you would probably want to fold."

Striker dealt the turn and asked, "So kamusta na kayo?"

I peeked at the cards on my hands and thought out loud, "I think I'm gonna have to fold..."

"Are you sure?" Gracie asked, doubtful.

"Yes."

Yesterday, I learned that life is a lot like poker.

present perfect: one less lonely boy

"Do not want what you do not have," said the philosopher. "It's the key to happiness." It's a common enough maxim. A lot know of it, I'm sure. It's one of those adages that people know by heart but have trouble living by it.

I have been thinking about it since the close of Valentine's day. I have been thinking about it a lot. That's why I probably found myself figuratively moving to a beat as I walked down the road by the river last Monday. It was a little past dawn. Traffic was already scarce; passers-by, scarcer. I was by myself, but I'm never alone as Archie played:

So this is what it feels like
This is how it feels now I'm finally smiling on the inside

The crisp February wind on my hair (or whatever's left of it) felt cleaner. The city lights shone brighter; the moon and stars, a lot like sunshine. The place just seemed better. It was like I was stepping to a groove, and I could dance in the middle of the road or tell the world that I was okay and that I was free and it was like I was in love, but I wasn't and I was carefree and stripped of all worries. I was high and calm and satisfied, and I was happy. For the first time in a very long time, I was. I could say that without cringing. It felt so good.

Perhaps, that was me not wanting things that I do not have. Or maybe, that was me wanting to be on Hearts' Day mode forever and always:

"You seemed happy, which is really nice. I was happy to see you happy." a friend said at the close of the 14th. "It just seemed you had a glow. You were bubbly and perky."

I remember wanting to glow, even without a valentine. So with hands in my pockets (to keep my shorts from slipping as I forgot to wear a belt) and a wide smile in my eyes (with dimples, still), I turned the corner and kissed the night goodbye.

For the record, I still am.

present perfect: the last time she fell in love

For in curious circumstances, the past catches up with the present to show us how much we have changed, how much we have grown.

With my eyes closed, I see.

There is a girl standing in front of a mirror. A pretty girl clad in a barely there showgirl outfit - form-fitting corset, fish net stockings, feather kits and all that. Layered tresses and loose curls hung down her back, black as a sinner's heart, resplendent against the soft incandescence. Lips glossed red. One fine nose. Hazel eyes gazing, carefully studying the reflection. She was on the outside, looking into the pool of memories where flashes of past-future and future-past interspersed.

There was a show and she was the star, like everyone else who had come up on stage would like to believe, who was dancing along to the soundless beat.

I see you.

A familiar, faceless fellow donning an elegant suit and a top hat among a plentiful audience.

She can tell that he was attractive. He was attracted.

A shuffle and they were in the dressing room, striking up a tryst. Images of rapture – his hands all over; her body, against the dresser. Restless. Very reckless.

Another shuffle, and there was a masquerade. A white ball. Heaven-like. Festive dancing and general merriment. Feet moving. Eyes, hidden behind masks, inviting.

The last lays out a balcony from which the girl, all dressed up to be the prettiest she'll ever be, looks out to an empty street. Cheeks ashen. Tears slowly falling. The guests were murmuring. Heartbreak impending. The groom was nowhere to be seen.

Before everything could sink in, she was pulled back out to being a picture of a girl standing in front of a mirror. A very pretty girl fading slowly as light seeps through my slightly-opened, slightly-watered eyes.

Indeed, a curious circumstance was laid out before me. An echo that made me realize how prone we are, how vulnerable we can be to commit the same mistakes we did in a lifetime deemed long-forgotten, and further compound the error by ignoring life’s little lessons and go through it like a sick cycle.

I have seen what became of you and me. Now my eyes are open.

under the skin

The evening star is shinin' bright. So make a wish and hold on tight.

There's magic in the air tonight, and anything can happen.
- Princess Tiana

*******

All my life, I have read about true love and fairy tales. Princess and the (echoserong) Frog, Glorietta 4.

bitter/sweet

"Hmm... I-surprise ko daw siya."
"Gusto din naman ata niya na PNK yung panuorin eh."
"Oo nga. Yun na lang. Makakapanuod naman kami ng non-local movie on a normal day eh."
"Yun na lang."
"Yup. Para matawa naman kami after a long day at work."
"Eh bakit may kislap pa ang mata mo? Haha."
"Ah?! Kunwari hindi ko narinig yun."

A few seconds after.

"Nako! Lagi kayang may kislap ang mata ko!"
"Hahaha! Defensive?"

*******

For a moment, akala ko ako si Kim Chiu. Akala ko... Paano Na Kaya, Glorietta 4.

near kisses and other stories: 14 days to love (one summer night)

On the front porch, I sat looking at the resplendent image of the moon cast still on the water’s surface, clear and unbroken, much like the haunting silence of this summer night only perturbed by a soft humming,

... You were all by yourself

Staring up at the dark gray sky...

and the sound of grit, crunching under someone else's feet. The illusion was quickly dispelled. A silhouette formed, only to fade as you stepped out of the shadows looking a bit flushed with a bottle and another on hand.

"Mind if I join you?" you asked.

I shrugged. I smiled. I moved a little bit to the right.

Four steps and a turn. Left hand on my right knee, you took your place beside me. Perhaps, a little too close. I could smell your cologne. I could hear you breathe.

"What are you doing out here?" you inquired.

"The party was a bit crowded." I said. "What about you? Shouldn't you be inside?"

"I got bored."

"So you decided to bring the party here," I said playfully. My eyes on the bottles you're holding.

"Ah! Yes, this..." you said raising the blue one. "This one's for you. It's your favorite, right?"

I nodded and grinned as you handed it to me. "You went out to look for me?"

Now it was your turn to grin. "By the way, congratulations! You deserve that post," you said steering the conversation.

"Yeah!" I smiled. "You too! Can you imagine?"

"What do you think will happen to us," you asked. Your eyes contemplative. Dreamy.

"It'll be so much fun! I can't wait to start planning. Hell, I can't wait for our team building! It'll be grand!" My smile gradually shifted to a frown as I realized something. "You will be graduating ahead of me. I'll be here by myself then."

"But we'd still be here. Remember, there's the folio to work on." you said reassuringly.

"Oh! Do you remember last time? We were having dinner while waiting for it to be delivered..."

"And you spilled soda on my pants?" you laughed. Your eyes getting more chinky. "How could I forget that?"

"It was an accident!"

"I know," you said. "Fun times..."

"Yeah. Fun times."

For a moment, we remained still. Quiet. Staring at the midnight sky.

You took a swig off the bottle. "It's been a long term," you said. Five words that marked the start of a lengthy dialogue. An intimate conversation that covered issues about your family, our friends, the future, and ourselves. We talked and we listened until the first glint of the sun shone from across the horizon, hitting the front porch on which we are sitting on.

"It's morning already," you said faintly.

"Yeah. We should probably go back now," I said hesitantly before standing up.

"Wait," you said as you stood and followed. We walked. Your hand on my shoulder.

"You know, you never answered my question," you reminded me.

"What about?" I wondered.

You turned to face me and asked, "What will happen to us?"

I, kept silent.

You sighed. Your hands, slid down to your pockets.

In silence, we walked back to take a rest in blue.

... It lasted forever,

And ended so soon...

I'll always remember.

near kisses and other stories: 14 days to love (when stars go blue)

Every day the world turns.

Every day, every night, a different piece of sky is laid out before us. Cloud patterns and star formation - these things vary from time to time. They change and yet we always get a clear memory of the things we associate with them when we want to. In my case, they remind me of moments that tend to be, more or less, a turning point in my life. Events that made a mark on my psyche.

But tonight's different. The sky is nothing but a vast empty shade of blue. I'm sure that there are low, visible clouds up there but the wind has been awfully quiet for quite some time now so those puffy things have been pretty much stationary, hence imperceptible.

Anyway, I find it ironic that this bareness triggered a memory recall about a conversation I have had regarding stars.

"Asan ka?"

"Sa rooftop lang."

"Alam mo ba, sabi nila kapag nakabilang ka daw ng pitong stars tuwing gabi for seven consecutive nights magkakatotoo ang hiling mo?"

"Saan mo naman nakuha yan?"

"Sabi ng kaibigan ko. Totoo daw yun!"

"Naniwala ka naman."

"Totoo nga. Sige, palagay mo lang na totoo ano ang hihilingin mo?"

"Hmmm... Wala akong maisip eh."

"Eh ako na lang tanungin mo."

"Oh, ano hihilingin mo kung nagawa mo nga yun?"

"Na sana gusto din ako nung taong gusto ko!"

"Okay."

"Pang-pitong gabi na ngayon."

"So nagka-totoo naman ba?"

"Ewan ko. Gusto mo na ba ako?"

"Ang corny mo ha!"

"Hahaha."

That night we laughed, talked and laughed some more, but for some reason the last question was never answered, not in the manner it should have been expressed anyway. As expected, the interest on the matter slowly waned as the days passed by and soon enough it seemingly faded into the background, and its face drowned among the sea of half-forgotten acquaintances and strangers.

Not unlike the stars when they are visible and spread out like generic incandescence, barely distinguishable from one another, or when their collective sparkle appear hidden by the onset of night.

But through the stars these things become memories worth reveling in every once in a while.

*******

POSTSCRIPT. This is so two thousand and eight.

make me fall in love

"I just figured," I said. "I want someone whom I can say anything to, be it something senseless or something so deep, and that someone will have something to say back. Plus ten points if it's a really good retort."

In lieu of a new conversation, let me write this down, and file it somewhere, lest I forget it.

- Make me laugh and smile; be by my side when I cry.
- Be smart. Be witty. Be that someone who would always humor me.
- Take me sailing in your soft, heavenly eyes.
- Light up this whole town with your cute smile.
- Give me chills and render me still,
Make me lost for words, whenever you’re near.
- Laugh like it’s the best song I’ve heard.
- At times, be silly and surprise me.
- Keep up with my idiosyncrasies.
- Prove that we have that chemistry.
- Show me you’re passionate and equally affectionate.
- Ask how my day went and bid me good night.
- Never leave me in the cold, and don’t let me be the last to know.
- Join in my travels near and be open to possibilities that we’d go really far.
- Be quick to forgive but quicker to sincerely apologize.
- Think that I’m extra extra special.
- Be so happy to have ever found me.
- Be the one who brings out the best in me.
- Fly from wherever and land on my door step,
Smile at me and say it was worth it - to see most of me.
- Dance with me in the storm and kiss me in the rain.
- Tell me about your dreams, and get invested in mine.
- Have a perfectly good heart.
- Value your mother and your brother.
- Be independent, to a degree; know that you’ll always have me.
- Be unafraid and trust that I’ll be there through it all.
- Do the impossible and make me fall.

Because I realized that the clearer and more refined I get around the qualities that I am looking for, the more I will be able to recognize them when they appear.

*******

I just want someone to belong to everyday of my life, always.
- Mariah Carey, Dreamlover

what makes it better than twilight

Great vampire movie = +++ Bromance and (0) Edward and Bella.

*******

Giddy all throughout. Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, Greenbelt 3.

(500)

I have an ego huge enough to say that I deserve two-way conversations.

The same also applies to what I write. After all, I am a writer and writers clamor for attention. We desire to appear clever, and to be remembered beyond the limits of our own mortality. Simply, we want to be talked about. Pardon the cuss, but it is bullshit to claim otherwise. Writers are vain, self-centered and to a point, without shame. We write with an audience in mind, and in doing so, we open up the avenue for discussion and interaction.

Let me acknowledge those who made writing more interesting

- the audience that I have won over, especially those whom I have interacted with, those who were fearless enough to reach out off- and online, and those who, once upon a time, said that there's nothing I could ever blog to make them let go;

- and my best and most beloved friends whom I couldn't resist abusing - metaphor, allusion and irony,

you all have my unending gratitude. It is a herculean task to sustain the drive but you remind me why I do this. You are the reason why I write.

So keep it coming until we reach the next five hundred!

near kisses and other stories: 14 days to love (it's coming)

That day everyone was seemingly in a hurry. People left and right. Casuals on breaks. Suits surfacing from under. Racing up the stairway. Escalator tightly packed.

That day I walked into the crowd and I lost myself in the feeling of being sad, small, alone and scared.

With all the people running around the metro, is it really that improbable for my path to collide with that someone whom I am meant for? I mean, it could be that one coming out from the bank, or this one sporting a gym outfit striding towards me, or it could be this five o'clock shadow carrying a coffee cup, walking beside me.

It's all I can think of.

That was two years ago. Now, I find myself walking on the same avenue, noticing the same things but skipping to a different tune.

"So did you text him," I asked.

"Yeah! Yeah, I did. What you told me," the other replied. "'Good morning. I'm looking forward to meeting you later.' That's what I told him."

I beamed, "So what did he say?"

"Well, he greeted me as well and thanked me for waking him up..."

"And?"

"And that he can't wait until later."

I laughed, "See? You owe me big time, man!"

"Do you think it worked? Wasn't it sarcastic when he said that I woke him up?"

"Corny. His reply was fine." I was giddy. "This made me happy!"

The other was as well. It was very obvious. The grin, the glint, the glow. It was all over.

It was the start of something wonderful. Two years and running. Together in growing and learning. Coping. At times, struggling. Trying to meet halfway. I was a witness to it all, and let me say that there is scarcely anything else in the world that is more beautiful and divine than seeing them so genuinely in love.

I am amazed at the realization that out of all these people, two souls can actually manage to recognize its counterpoint in one another, and in spite of everything, find their way to each other.

They are hope personified for those who wonder if somewhere, somehow, there's someone out there who might be waiting for that collision.

There is, and there's no need to hurry.

hope for courage

Just close your eyes... Now when I count to three you can open your eyes...
1... 2... 3...
Now see, everything is better, the world’s a happier place now.
- Michael Oher.

*******

Counting to a hundred. The Blind Side, Greenbelt 3.

near kisses and other stories: 14 days to love (kiss & tell)

Round and round, the bottle goes...

I would rather be in bed but curiousity got the best of me. I peeked out from my room only to be invited for a drink and a rousing game of Spin the Bottle. A perfectly harmless game, they say. I know better:

Spin the bottle, spin the bottle.
Lose your inhibitions; join the circle.

The first...

We were flushed as we crawled towards the middle with the rest giggling and cheering. Heads moved cautiously. Ours closer. Theirs followed from where they were. My hesitation, a slightly tainted reflection on the eyes staring back at me. It was terrifying but hand on cheek, we kissed. Perhaps, longer than it should be. But nothing whirred. Nothing clicked. No fireworks. No anything. After all, it was just a kiss.

I smiled softly. The other, the crushee, turned a brighter shade of red. The juvenile didn’t miss a thing and more jests and cheers soon followed: "crusher and crushee... k-i-s..."

And that’s how we were marked for life.

As for how the crushee became the apparent object of affection, let's just say that it was a product of an earlier round, another version, of this perfectly harmless game.

Someone spun the bottle, and it landed on me. A knowing voice playfully asked, "Who is your crush?"

Hurriedly, my eyes darted from one face to another, searching for an answer, until it reached the crushee. Crushee got my attention. Crushee was safe. Crushee was the easy way out. Losing my discretion, I yelled the name hoping nobody would remember it.

But I did. By heart.

And so did they: "... s-i-n-g".

Yes. That's how we were marked because somebody thought something whirred, something clicked, and somebody then told someone and a few others without realizing that those whirs and clicks are just in somebody's head.

Like I said, it was just a kiss. It was just a game. It was never a part of the plan, really. All of it. Everything. But I know it was my fault. I started it all.

Spin the bottle. It makes you do things you wouldn't normally do, or say things you wouldn't normally say. Truth is either told, or twisted to fit what is needed, and sometimes, white lies are committed by people. People like me.

Crushee was very likeable but how do I put it... I'm just not that into her.

Where it stops nobody knows...

The first spun until it slows down to a halt. The open end of the bottle pointing towards me.