day 542

"Masaya ako kapag kasama kita."

Parang yung sa pelikula lang, di ba? Naalala ko pa nung pinakita yung trailer niyan sa isang pelikulang pinanuod natin. Nakakakilig. Natatawa lang ako at naisip ko lang ngayon na parang ganun lang ata yung dating ng huli kong mensahe sa'yo... na di mo na nasagot.

Pero ayos lang. Totoo naman yun. Para lang yung sinabi ko nung nabanggit mo na ang dali-dali kong mayaya na lumabas.

"Eh bakit pa ako magpapaligoy-ligoy kung alam ko naman na gusto ko at mag-eenjoy din ako."

Sagot ko yan sa iyo. Kung wala rin lang naman akong ibang lakad, eh di oo na kaagad. Pero kahit may iba akong lakad, malamang napapayag mo pa rin ako. Isa ka sa mga taong mahirap kong tanggihan eh. Sigurado ako, napansin mo naman yun.

Mabuti nga at masaya yung mga huli nating lakad. Tulad nung tumambay tayo sa coffee shop para magpalipas ng oras. Napagkwentuhan natin yung tungkol sa fairytale romances. Nabanggit ko yung pangarap kong istorya – yung tipong nagsimula sa pagiging mabuting magkaibigan hanggang sa maging sila. Naibahagi mo yung sa'yo at nakinig naman ako, pero ang nasa isip ko lang nun ay ang ganda nga ng mata mo, ikaw ang fairytale ko at ang saya siguro kung maging tayo.

It was one of the best days I've had this year. Even better than the time we watched a musical. Kahit pa sinabihan ako ng kaibigan ko na I seemed happy and I was glowing. It was already a given. I'm always like that when I'm with you.

We have this chemistry that I can't find in anyone else. It's almost like magic. You were the friend I've always wanted. There couldn't have been a better time for our paths to have crossed.

Remember that day you visited me at Boni High? Umuulan na nung natapos yung shift ko and we had to share one umbrella habang umiikot sa strip in search of a place to eat. We ended up at Friday's and we talked and ate and talked a whole lot more. I found out that we have a lot in common. Ecstatic, I remember thinking, "You're a really cool person to hang out with." Suot mo pa nga yung paborito mong hoodie that time. Wala lang. Bigla ko lang naalala.

It was the start of what would be a countless series of bonding sessions – sine, aral, kain at kape. Araw-araw. Pagkatapos ng opisina. Weekends. Makikiramay sa pagpupuyat para lang makakwentuhan ka pa ng mas matagal.

Everything was cool until that fateful day, but you already know that part. Oh wait. You don't. Anyway, to make the long story short, let's just say that you were the song that I never intended to hear.

Ang dami ng nangyari between then and now. Pero ito, tayo na naman ang magkasama nitong mga huling araw. I went out with you thinking that it would be okay, that I have moved on. But I was wrong.

"Bakit ka pa bumalik?" Isa sa limampung tanong na gusto kong masabi sa iyo. I was doing fine but you pulled me back in when you walked back into my life. But you coming back made me see what I have been looking for, what I have been missing all along. You, being my ray of sunshine. You, the brilliance that I see even with my eyes closed. "Pero bakit hindi?" When all I ever wanted was to take your hand and tread on life's road together. "Anong kulang?" Hindi ko maintindihan.

Nasasabihan na nga ako ng gago ng mga kaibigan ko dahil sa ginagawa ko. Pero ganun talaga. Gago na kung gago. I know they're just looking out for me and hindi ko lang din maipaliwanag ng mabuti kung ano ang nakikita ko sa'yo na hindi nila makita.

Pero these past few days had me thinking, and just last night reality caught up with me. Mahirap pala talaga magkagusto sa taong di ka gusto. Masakit. It's something that I haven't really felt or probably acknowledged for the past year or so. Kaya kagabi kulang na lang ay iuntog ko ulo ko sa pader para matigil ako sa pagiisip at sa pagdaramdam. Gustuhin ko man pero di ko magawang magalit sa'yo. Ang hirap hirap. Naging cycle na ito and it's probably time that I fold.

I'm not giving up on you because I no longer want you. You'll always be my idea of love and that's probably the reason why you and I met in the first place – you were to be the definition of who I want to be with. But I need to do this to save whatever's left of us. "To more years of harmonious friendship," you wrote on my birthday card. I'm doing this for that. Ours is too precious, too rare to forsake.

Siguro balang araw, buwan o taon mula ngayon, magkakasalubong ulit ang landas natin. Hindi naman na bago yun sa kuwento nating dalawa. At siguro sa panahong iyun, totoong handa na ako na maging kaibigan mo lang.

Pero sa ngayon, hayaan mong ako na lang sumagot sa mga sarili kong katanungan. Iisipin ko ang mga pinakamasaklap para tuluyan akong makalimot. Iisipin ko na kung hindi man ikaw, balang araw, mahahanap ko rin yung magsasabi sa akin ng walang pagaalinlangan ng,

"Ako rin."