to a pilgrim, II

I see your smile intertwined with the city lights. Maybe I'm just lonely, searching for meaning in the late of night.

I come to remember one of your earlier words. You said that you have a not-so-nice history with such dealings. Things develop into something which wasn't intended in the first place and then you... you tend to hurt them. You also said that you don't want it to happen, again. It is happening again.

Even if I want to I can't blame myself for looking past this red flag. It wasn't my intention to fall for you. I wanted you as my friend so the warning was inapplicable. Hence, it was shrugged off. Then I wanted to blame you but it's pointless for I couldn't. I won't.

It's unhealthy really, what I'm doing – summoning old ghosts but I can't stop. Not especially when I remember this:

Dun nagsimula eh. Kakatawag mo ng S! Hahaha. :P But seriously there are many many things that have drawn me to you and not to the others. I have to thresh out some of those things pa nga. :P Haha. But there's only one thing that's keeping me in my current state. That's you (pasok: long sigh). :-D

And once again, I am overwhelmed with your love. My eyes start to well up as I feel a love that is intense and gentle, kind and caring, raw and contagious, honest and sincere. The same love you must have felt when you told me in your stupor:

Xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxx X'xx xx xxxxxx. Pls forgeyt me

Conflicting statements as they are, it moved me in a positive light. You still love me. So why are you holding back? Help me understand – how can you devote your entire love to someone else when a part of your heart will forever yearn for me?

It has been said that the sorrow of regret are to those who fail to voice out what's inside. I say it's infinitely sorrowful when two hearts have found the love that others envy, and yet it remains unconsummated. Star-crossed lovers, as you coined it. Like you and I.

But let's not live a life that is afflicted by what ifs and maybes. We will find ways to forget, but our echoes will always be there. It will be loudest when we're most vulnerable.

So at the risk of losing myself, and at the behest of everyone else, let me lay out everything on the line:

I will be in the church that you know I frequent, every morning from tomorrow until Friday at six thirty to an hour after, praying, waiting for you, wondering

if we can make things right,

say our proper goodbyes,

or break our hearts

for the last time.

If you really care. Be brave.

*****

When I first met you I knew I would love you for the rest of my life...
- The Pilgrim, Star-crossed