With all the blessings that I am bestowed with, I should be happy and content. The sun should be shining much brighter, birds chirping more merrily and all that shit.
I am perfectly healthy. I have a high paying job, a real career, and a multitude of opportunities to further it, founded on the best education that my folks granted and taught me. The same set of people who brought me up to be the kind of man that I am right now. The kind that people look up to.
"Ako lang naman ang dapat ayusin. So how do you resolve that?"People who genuinely care.
"There's nothing wrong with you. You are such a wonderful and good person, Mark. I find you and your values perfect enough to wish my son would grow up just like you."
"Isipin mo it could have been worse..."Those whom I know will be there in a heartbeat.
"I can't. Sorry. At this point, I'm just frustrated with everything."
"I love you Kuya Marky. I hope it's enough."
"May favoritism? Hehe."My dearest friends.
"May isa pa akong fave na kuya eh. Hulaan mo sino? Si Kuya Mak, kilala mo yun? Haha."
"Hahaha. Kahit walang katapusang kaartehan sa buhay?"
"Parte na yun! Hehehe. Iyakan na tayo?"
"You're smart and witty, then you're a nice guy pa. Ano pa hahanapin ng babae sa'yo?"I'm surrounded by them. So, there's never really a lack of love in my case. It is in the respect that I have earned, the kindness that I beget, and the patience that I have received. I should be feeling all these warmth rush through me. I should be bound in gratitude but I just don't... In my head, I am but I just. Can't. Feel. It.
"Hahahahahahahahaha. So... tayo na?"
"Kapal! Haha."
"You forgot something!"
"Ano yun?"
"Cute!"
"Kapal talaga!!! Haha."
"Bakit ang emo mo?"I'm not emo, really. I'm just melodramatic. But I deal with it - I smile. I tell you though, it's short of trying to spin the world the other way. It's wearisome, most of the time and sadly, it's one of those nights when everything fades to gray and there's nothing that I, or perhaps anyone else, can do to get all the colors back.
"Kasama ng charm ko ang pagiging emo. Hehe."
"Hahaha. Well, that's true."
I think I'm broken.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, really. Or we could just stay and let our heads rest but it still won't feel like home.
*******
POSTSCRIPT. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, really. Or we could just stay and let our heads rest but it still won't feel like home.
4 comments:
you are very lucky still. andami mong supporters at advisers! hehehe
i don't think you're broken. i think you're perfectly normal. we all feel that way sometimes.
like what the others have been saying, you're close to an ideal Mark, you just need to focus on that rather than what's missing.
=)
Mak,
"I think I'm broken."
What I have observed is that when people are broken: they know they're broken. With absolute certainty.
Maybe you aren't broken; but that you seek something which you don't have yet. =)
Kane
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