bargaining

EDSA is a mess. At night, it is hell; on Friday nights, well, you can just imagine. The heavy traffic in this area is a perennial problem. It is downright frustrating for daily motorists, and twice as much for those who are in a race against time.

Three Fridays ago, I found myself attempting to traverse the avenue only to end up stuck between half-empty buses and a whole lot of stress for a good hour or so. I would've pulled off a Moses and parted the congestion if I could. That night, I badly prayed that I can.

Minutes earlier, I found out that Binx had an accident. Despite his protest, I hurriedly left for Quezon City to tend to him.

"Don't worry. I'm okay," the stubborn boy said.

"I'm on my way."

He sighed. "I'm okay, really."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. This is nothing. I'll be going home in a while. Nahihiya nga ako dito. Ayaw kong makitang inaasikaso ako dito."

"Inisip mo pa yan. Asan ka na?"

"Pupunta ka nga?"

In the end, his stubbornness yielded to mine. I wouldn't have it any other way of course. His was a serious predicament and the truth is I can't rest until I can be sure that he's entirely okay.

Apathetic to my plight, the cab driver engaged me in a conversation. Normally, I would reciprocate but needless to say, I was worried sick to come up with something intelligible to say. I would just throw a nod or an uh-huh every now and then just so he'd think that I was listening. I was too polite to ignore him.

He made commentaries on today's politics,

"Kapal din ng mukha at inuna pa talaga yung pagsulong sa charter change na yan!"

"Oo nga eh, tsk."

shared an anecdote about his kumpare who was stabbed on his shoulder blade during an inuman,

"Kako, kung may mangyari sa kanya eh hindi ko alam kung ano magagawa ko sa kanilang lahat. Ayun eh di nataranta din yung mga mokong na doktor!"

"Uh-huh."

and bragged about his fan knife that he purportedly keeps with him at all times.

"Takot lang ng mga gago sa akin!"

"Ah?!"

Now that's plain scary.

I was silent for the rest of the ride. In my head, I was actually trying to strike a deal with God. I prayed, "I'd rather be single forever, just don't let anything bad happen to him. Please?"

A statement not unlike the one quipped by the lead actress in Hating Kapatid, a movie that I wouldn't have dared to see if not for Sarah Geronimo and JC de Vera. It was an utter waste of film reels. This similarity dawned on me three days ago. While I wasn't really ecstatic over my finding, I did share it with Larra over lunch at UCC.

"I offered my love life for something better. That's why I'm bound to be by myself in this lifetime." I paused. "Come to think of it, I'll probably be single in the next few lifetimes as well."

"Over ka!" was all she could say.

"As in!"

Binx's case wasn't the first time I did it. Last year, my grandmother had a mild heart attack. While I was watching over her, I couldn't help but think of the possibilities. I love my lola so much and I don't think I can take losing her. In silence and tears, I begged that He put me in my lola's place instead, or if he won't then at least He can forfeit my love life in lieu of her well being.

Then, not too long ago, I was willing to forego certain things if that would make me a better man of the house for my mother and brother.

It may seem funny and overly dramatic but I did make such deals. I readily offer the chances of finding love because it's the one thing that I want the most. If giving it up means that I can do something for the people who matter then so be it. However, sometimes I can't help but think that it's not really mine to give. Besides, what is there to lose? Surely, I can't lose what I never had.

In desperate times, people do silly things. People bargain with God as if he's a tradesman. It escapes our mortal minds that sometimes, all we need to do is ask.