i hate this part

There is a strange comfort that New York City offers.

I remember walking along Fifth Avenue one night. Well, it's probably closer to midnight, or dawn because time seemed to have slowed down a bit like everything's in slow motion. The big resplendent moon was one big spotlight and the wide half-empty street the stage. There was a young couple lazily walking towards some street corner, a tired-looking man sitting on a bench a few steps from where I was, and several more people, indifferent to each other, coming in from where I was heading. They all had a story to tell but in my head, the night was mine.

My mind wandered aimlessly catching small details like how the street and building lights drown out the stars up above - the latter seem to have lost their sparkle and magic to the flare and glitz of the metro. Or how my iPod would choose to play some song that would exponentially dampen the already-melancholic mood. Like that Robbie Williams tune that I can't seem to get out of my head.

"When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one-way street..."

Sigh.

But I did not dwell on it for too long. My thoughts kept on shifting from one idea to another. It's my way of coping.

A sudden gust of cold summer wind billowed towards me. I tugged my wakely jacket closer to my body and let my hands comfortably rest inside its pockets. And I continued traveling at a pace like I have all the time in the world. After passing several establishments and shops closed for the night and empty alleys with sewers spewing out steam, I realized that I haven't encountered a single soul for the past fifteen minutes or so.

I suddenly felt so alone. For some reason, I always find myself like this wherever I go. And it's really, really sad. I bet it's sadder than being an overlooked star. I know it's sadder. But there are times that I long for it. Like tonight.

I have covered a couple more blocks and stopped at an intersection to give way to a stray cab speeding along. Its blinding headlights reminded me that I'm not in some movie scene and I'm not playacting. This is reality and I am my own character. And by some lucky chance, this moment happened while I'm in New York City where solitude, loneliness and drama are always in season.

I turned to the corner, entered the building where I'm staying, went up to my room and slept.

I was homebound the morning after.

There is a strange comfort in being with the unfamiliar. Me and my lonesome heart yearns for it.

I miss New York City.

*******

I'm loving angels instead.
- Robbie Williams, Angels