side effects

So for three weeks since, I've kept myself overly busy at the office, overcompensating at times, channeled my pent-up frustrations at the gym and badminton court, and, at the risk of pushing other people away, I've distanced myself from some friends and decided to put up more walls. I don't know how far I'm taking this though. The stakes are too steep but for what it's worth, I would like to think that my life is now drama-free.

This is what I get for applying what I have learned from a colleague - just don't take things too seriously.

She said that as she filled my glass to the brim with Long Island Iced Tea. It was my fourth but the effect of the liquor was far from what I expected. I was still sober. For some weird reason, I wanted to get drunk. I've never been drunk, and I thought that there was no better time than that moment to be intoxicated.

We were hanging out, talking, and since talking has always been my outlet whenever I'm troubled, I took the opportunity to seek counsel. It's just that with this lot, talking seems to be much more enjoyable when it involves drinking. So there we were, at the balcony, drinking merrily, accompanied by the beats of old MJ songs blasting from some other bar.

But getting drunk did not happen. I was saddened. It sounds pretty stupid, and it is, actually. I can't blame myself though. On a much deeper level, I saw it as a distraction. Albeit fleeting, it was a distraction nonetheless. Plus, I've been on a roll. For the past couple of weeks, I've done one silly stuff after another - harbored disappoint with one of my dearest friends, sulked for, like, ages, and worse, I became a wet blanket, a stick in the mud, a loser, an emo. God, I hate that word.

In any case, I still talked, in bits and pieces; opened up in codes, like I always do.

"So what do I do," I asked.

"Just don't take things too seriously," she said.

"But I'm not like that."

"Learn to be one," she answered in a firm tone. "Shrug it off. Wag mong problemahin ang mga bagay na hindi dapat pino-problema."

I was a bit hesitant to digest her words because the thought of changing myself scared me. I just can't see myself not taking things too seriously. I equate it to being indifferent, and I don't want to be indifferent. Not to the people who matter, anyway. But trying times can bend a strong resolve.

It's hard to fight for people, when you know that you're fighting alone.

It's tiresome and it's stressful.

It's time I'm won back.

Besides, those who will bear with my impossibilities are definitely for keeps. As one friend put it, this is me... pruning.