what you did last summer

Funny how the past has a habit of slipping through our fingers; and the harder we try to hold on to it, the faster it slips away. But sometimes, it just won't slip fast enough. I am in blue as thoughts of last summer continue to haunt me. Mocking. Taunting like a tasteless joke. The once upon a times on repeat that I can’t shake off. They linger like a bad hangover. And temporary highs are just that. Temporary. Even amidst the turmoil. Even when I let the greater good take precedence over mine. It just won’t quit. Yes, I feel guilty. I feel selfish. But I can’t fool myself into thinking that I can help anyone when I can’t even help myself. I am so lost. Caught in a flurry of flight and fight. But I shall keep on telling you that I'm alright, and I'm okay (thinking that by repeating it over and over, somewhere down the line, I will be; or you'll know that I'm really not). But if you only knew what's in the back of my mind. You were supposed to save me. I am emotionally tired, and yet I find it so hard to just not care.