languishing

Here I am skimming through these familiar pages all night, trying to find where I went wrong, where I screwed up the whole story. But it feels like I'm looking and thinking in circles while the numbers on my digital clock are racking up more minutes and seconds. The entire world is moving forward while I remain still, and silent. My tired hand dragged the pages to everywhere and nowhere. My more tired mind wondered to thoughts of you, and more of you and me. My heart is now a gaping vacuum that is both heavy and empty at the same time.

"Ganyan kahirap if the person you like couldn't like you back the same way."

I never asked for reciprocity. It was hope long abandoned. Forgotten? Perhaps, not. At the very least, I beseeched for respect but it would be moot at this point. We've been at this before and I would have thought that I'd learn a lesson or two by now. I didn't but neither did you.

"I know nice siya pero di siya worth it."

Fear of rejection keeps it inside, they say. I wanted to prove I was never afraid so the admission happened. I was all set for you to turn and walk away. I was ready to close another chapter.

"Insulting yung hindi pagsagot. Ginawa na niya once, tapos uulitin pa. How can you be friends with somebody who doesn't respect or consider your feelings?"

But I was never given anything but this empty silence, when I would rather have you shoot me down in flames. Rather that, than this. This is torture. This is pain. My dear friend, you are breaking my heart slow by making me feel like I don't even matter one bit, that I am irrelevant and I need not be acknowledged.

"Seriously, ilang gabi, araw, buwan at taon ang nasira dahil diyan. I hope one day mag-decide ka na lang na mag-move on at wag na magpaapekto sa mga actions niya. Napatunayan mo naman na kaya mo pero di lang matuloy-tuloy."

So spare me this night. Allow me to grieve one last time - for the old me and these pages. They seem too torn to be mended anyway. I tried. I really did.

In a minute, I shall be starting a brand new chapter. Hopefully, one that is better than the last.

*******

I can't wait to break through these emotional changes, seems like such a lost cause.
- Mariah Carey, H.A.T.E.U.