Don't you just wish that you can stretch out time long enough for you to accomplish something? Or perhaps completely halt it to avoid whatever it is that you're trying to prevent from happening? Or better yet, turn it back so you wouldn't have done the cause, therefore you won't be suffering the consequence that follows?
I do. Like right now, when I don't want to sleep for sleeping is tantamount to my surrender to defeat. I'm a fighter. I want to believe in that. I want to hope that I can. But it feels like my whole world is seconds away from its inevitable destruction - something of my own doing. I want to hope and tell myself that everything will turn out fine over and over again. But I'm afraid. And self-encouragement won't work when the self is shrouded with fear. Plus the fact that this is really happening. Life's not a video game that you can just hit restart and start with a clean slate whenever you make a blunder. I wish it is, but it ain't.
*******
"Noong bata ka palagi kang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi namin ng Papa mo. Ngayon pang matanda ka na saka ka hindi sumusunod. Sana hindi pa huli ang lahat."
I fell silent. I couldn't come up with logical defenses, excuses, or snark comments. Because she was right, and she knows it. I know I couldn't get away with this one.
Thing is, I've tried living based on how I was brought up. I never went astray as far as I know.
And I wanted, and needed to vent it out, but I couldn't. I want to say that probably, I did change and there's nothing else I can do but to suck it all in. You know, live with it. I already feel bad with all these things going on in my head and I don't want the thought of myself being a failure to linger up in there as well.
But I really am. It's called self-denial.
And right now, all I'm living on is that tiny hope that everything will turn out fine after this bleakness.
*******
Times like these that I wish I had someone to talk to. Just someone who can distract me... no, someone who can help me get through all these just by being there.
I know of a person, but I'm second guessing if he'll see me as someone worth the trouble.
*******
It would be nice if everything would just be all rainbows and butterflies.
12 comments:
i don't understand exactly what's behind this post but just buzz me anyway if you need my services......err someone to talk to to LOL.
smile smile :)
Remove everything. Find your rock again. Lean on it, and once more, take that leap.
Kakayanin mo yan. ;p
But if everything in the world is rainbows and butterflies, we will never truly appreciate their beauty right?
Hey MakMak! I hope you are doing ok.. I don't know the details of what's upsetting you but I hope you know that there are people who will be there to listen.
On a side note, when we grow up, we start thinking for ourselves and we start forming our own opinions and these may not necessarily agree with our parents and their expectations. It doesn't mean we don't love them or don't respect them.. but I think parents just find it a little difficult to adjust especially when they're concerned about what they think is best for us.
With all the things we go through in life, we're bound to rock some boats in the process.
Hang in there!
i understand what you mean about stretching time... hay if only
@white: Aw. Sige po kuya. Thanks.
@jeland: Yeah, hopefully I can find one that's sturdy enough or something. Thanks Jeland.
@mugen: I know but there are times that one would wish for such things, right? ^^,
@karen: Yeah. Lol. I totally made sure that I leave out the specifics. I'm not that comfortable publishing it to the whole world.
What you said was right though re: parents. Hay...
Thanks Kar.
@odin hood: Hay talaga Odin. =(
life was simpler when we were kids... and i miss it! :(
@oliboy: Yeah, Kar's right with that. But we can't be kids forever right? Being adults has perks too.
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