for you from me: 2008 last lines (got 'til it's gone)

There are only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time; and I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind.

You were a good song that I failed to notice. I didn't realize how much you brought into my life until it was too late.

When you left that winter, the seconds dragged on to minutes, minutes to hours, and hours felt like an entire lifetime. All I could think of was you, and the day when you'd be back. Even during that one instance when I veered my thoughts away from you for a moment to deal with familial issues, it was still you whom I wanted to reach out to.

I hope it’s not too much when I say that I felt a deep kinship with you. Everything came about so easy, natural, and simple. Conversations are effortless. Bouts of laughter are unavoidable. With you, everything just feels so right.

But everything seemed to have spiraled down after that night. A foresight had me restless the entire morning and the afternoon’s confirmation was the defining blow. You talked to me with frozen lips. My hands were icy cold. Everyone else went on about their business but I was caught in the moment. Your every word cut me inside and left me worse. I felt helpless.

But hearts are broken every day.

Mine did the moment I realized you weren’t coming back. I guess you meant to me more than I care to admit. I should have told you everything, but I didn’t.

I was stupid. I was foolish. I was lying to myself.

That night, I lay awake thinking about an old friend’s old dedication. He said, “The greatest mistakes that we’ll make are the risks that we didn’t take.”

His words couldn’t be any truer.

Once again, I find myself on the outside, looking in.

*******

It wasn’t for a lack of trying. Because I did. For several times. Christmas Eve. New Year's Eve. New Year. Monday. Last night. But each time I muster the courage to tell you, it never fails that something would come up.

I thought of keeping it to myself. I know that not everything in life should be ceremonial. But I would rather you hear it from me. Regret is a wasted emotion and I don’t want to add more to what I'm already feeling now. As for the turnout, it doesn’t even matter anymore. I know I’ve already lost so much more than pride.

This is unconventional but the sooner I fall behind, the more time I will have to catch up.

Just so you know, finding you was like catching lightning; being with you was like being struck by one.

I will miss you.