sober

I told a friend that I would not make an entry about a subject that was brought up when we talked last night. However, I realized that it's been a while since I had an "emo" entry.

See, I really try to avoid using that word since its original meaning has very little to do with being emotional, sensitive or angsty. Emo describes a subgenre in the hardcore punk style of music. But as time progressed, media has associated the term with fashion and attitude. Since then it has lost its essence as any rock band that sings sappy-but-still-hard-core type of music - “emo”; anyone who wears black tight shirts and jeans, dark make up and whose hair fringe is brushed to one said of the face is “emo”; and of course, anything that tries to pass for being dramatic is now, “emo”.

But this is not about “emo”. I have something much better to write about.

Sober.

It is a pretty word. I came to appreciate it through Jennifer Paige’s song titled, surprisingly, "Sober". There’s just something in the word and in its meaning that gives off the feel of solemnity, reflection and realization. In my opinion, sober is one of those words that almost always signify something good. Or at least when it is used in the proper context.

Take for example the story behind the song:

Girl meets boy, and girl goes crazy
Boy backs away, she gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back upon a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading

And then she hits the chorus where she says that the girl has seen the light (oh what a light!) and that she’s now sober. She took her time in assessing things and decided that she will no longer take in whatever he serves her. She has seen his other side and it wasn’t exactly pleasant.

Lovely right? I just wish that her story would end there but it doesn’t.

Sobriety and addiction comes hand in hand. And most of the time, the only cure to an addiction is another distraction. Or loosely said, another addiction.

Last night, a friend asked if I’m missing someone. Neither the word sober nor Jennifer Paige was brought up. I think I’m just trying to prolong what would have been a very short, straight-to-the-point type of post.

Anyway, his question had me thinking if I’m still capable of missing anyone. I believe I’ve previously stated that I do not miss the people whom I know will be there for me like my family and my closest friends.

Missing someone requires some sort of attachment to that person. And in my case, I think I tend to miss the moments more rather than the object. And sometimes, though I know it is impossible and definitely contradicting, I miss the could've beens as well.

Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again

Though I'm sober now. I'm back to my usual self - confident, self-assured and focused. I no longer think of weekend dates and getaways. Or prepare gifts and surprises. Or stay up late just to say good night.

But nobody says good night to me as well. And nobody surprises me even with a simple, thoughtful act. And well, I'm dateless. Which basically means, I'm alone. Calling myself single sounds pleasant and we want drama, yes?

So yeah, I am sober. That's what I tell myself.

It is weird. Just when I decided to come out, I never thought that shortly thereafter I would want to cave myself in.

But there are times, like right now, that I miss being intoxicated.

And what I would give...