freewriting (this goes out to you)

It was just a few months ago when I told you how apparently, someone said that I'm unlikable, that I didn't have any pleasant quality, physical or otherwise. You knew how affected I was with those words. You knew how crushed I was. You knew because you were one of the few people whom I've shown my vulnerable side to. You knew because I trusted you so much.

It was only yesterday when I told you that I feel bad for myself because it seems like I have not accomplished anything for someone my age. My cry for help was answered by a joke. But I can't take it against you. It's not the world's responsibility to console me when I'm down.

Everything was alright, until this morning when I talked about the idea of befriending certain people. And you replied:

"I think that's way out of your league".

What the hell?!

Those words caught me off guard. I never expected something like that from you of all people. And I'm pretty sure you didn't even know how you came off sounding much like the people who disappointed me. And I tried really hard to understand where you might be coming from when you uttered those words. But there's just no fucking way that your statement could have meant something else. It has no redeeming value. None at all.

Sure, I have like, ten friends. They're few but let me tell you that I'm confident that all ten of them have my back. But that's not the point is it? I've never had any problem gaining friends. I may not be the richest or most good-looking guy, but I know my way around people. I'm easy to get along with, cheerful, honest, witty, smart and trusting. Tell me if those aren't enough to win people because it certainly won you over.

And for the sake of an argument, let's say that you are right. That those people whom I want to be friends with are way out of my league, that they will turn me down just like what other people did. I can deal with that. What's important is that I tried. It's their loss. Life goes on.

But what I can't take is you pre-empting things. Not only did you judge me, but you also judged those helpless innocents. That is so unfair. And for the record, I know I'm a good judge of person.

You don't get to tell me who is or isn't in my league. You don't get to judge me. Not anymore, anyway.

Like what you said, I am worth so much more than those people who make me feel bad. Do you find this funny and ironic? Because I do.

It's true, that it is usually the faithful who are most hurt by the objects of their faith. And for a measly bruised ego and lost trust, I get to learn another lesson.

I should probably stop now because I might end up saying things that I might regret later on. And I don't need unnecessary stress in my life right now. Let me just thank you for giving me a subject for a blog entry.

I have nothing else to write about.