walk away (remember me)

Hey... I know you'll receive this and you'll have to read this sooner or later.

It's really bugging me that I can't text you. It's really sad. But you know what's sadder? The fact that you don't text me at all - that's super sad. I know it's not your obligation to but I just got so used to you being around and all. We've practically been together for eight months now. And much as you would want to not like it, you're family to me.

It is really unfortunate that I was MIA on Valentine's Day. You might think that I'm lying but no. Not entirely anyway. I did want to ignore you just to make you miss me. Obviously it backfired and when I tried to call you my line got cut off. Yeah, I'm that lucky. But I did send you those gifts. Those were my closure. Sort of. I thought I could just cut you off like that. I was wrong. I'm always fucking wrong.

Anyway, I'll text you as soon as I get this line working again. Maybe by then, you'll text me again. And by then, you'll probably have some stuff figured out.

I know how uncomfortable it is for you to talk about serious matters so I won't push it. I just hope that the time will come when you'll be ready to talk about it.

As I've told you before, as much as I want your "YES", your "NO" would be just as fine. Believe me, it will be easier on my part to accept things if I know where I stand. If you want me to stop, all you have to do is tell me to. And I'll try to stay away. But you can't, can you? Because deep inside you don't want me out of your life. It might sound pompous. It might be the bitterness talking. But I can feel it. I'm not deluding myself with these observations. I'm not that thick.

The way you smiled when you saw me waiting for you outside your office building this afternoon. It was the same smile you flashed when we were watching the fireworks display at MOA. It was the same smile that I saw when I came unannounced at your office and gave you a pack of Chocettes (thinking that you were mad at me and the chocolates as my peace offering).

God. I would love to see you do that again. And again.

Sadly, I know that we're already drifting apart. And your indifference is really, literally, killing me. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm forcing myself to render over time just so I can wear myself out. There are times that I don't want to get out of bed (or wake up at all). I really am a mess.

It feels like we've been robbed early of sweetness and magic. Honestly, I feel like you're annoyed when you're talking to me and when you're with me. That's the reason why I tried to stay away from you these past few weeks. Sobrang naaawa ako sa sarili ko. I feel that I will never, ever be good enough for you no matter what I do. :(

I also know that I cannot force us to be the way we were - sending SMS every minute, hatid at sundo sa office and school, Saturday movie dates, lunch outs, Timezone. Happy days. You were right, madali lang yun - that is if both parties are willing to work on it. In this case however, it's not.

I know that you're not yet ready. I know you have a lot going on. But if you really wanted to, you can squeeze an us in your busy life.

Take care of yourself.

And I hope you'll still be there when I get my line working again.

Much as I hate to admit it I have to - I'm like this because I need you more than you need me.

For now - just remember us at our best. ;(


MakMak

*******

My Valentine's card read that way - remember us at our best. just that. and of course the obligatory greeting for the heart's day.

The mosaic was composed of memorabilia collected throughout the time Daine and I spent together - the Palawan trip, our stuff toys from Dad's, Intramuros photo shoot, Timezone days. Happy, happy days.

And I baked him cookies. Shaped like teddy bears. Oatmeal choco-chip cookies. It was his favorite. And I baked lots of them. And I included eight mini bags worth of Chocettes just for the nostalgia.

Then there's the bouquet of roses. I went to Dangwa just so I could get him the finest flowers (in the most affordable price of course). I know that he doesn't want flowers. Or balloons. But I told him that I couldn't care less if he wants to throw them or burn them or cut them into pieces. I know that he'll love them. And he did. Liar. If you didn't have a class I'm pretty sure you would have brought that home.

I thought I'd be leaving with a bang. I thought I could be over him. I thought he'd be the one to miss me. I thought he'd change.

I thought wrong.

*******

See, hearts don't think. They just act and feel. That's why they get burned often.